What would you do if your teen found herself another, funner "family"?

[MotherofGorgons]

Hello. I am new here and joined specially to ask advice on 18 yr old DD, who quite understandably does not want to spend much family time with us any more. Less understandably, she has attached herself to another family, our neighbours. I will call them "The Perfects" because they apparently are!

DD and Ms Perfect are the same age and have been very close and intense friends for a while, in the way teen friendships often are. She spent a lot of time with the Perfects, and Ms Perfect also spent a lot of time, though less so, at ours. DD went through a very tough time during her A levels as she was ill with a chronic illness, so I decided to pick my battles and let this go. The Perfects would go out of their way to invite her to various things- days out, meals out, movies- etc, and I found it very hard to say no, even though I wondered why they always wanted them around. DD's brother is a sulky and taciturn 14, Ms Perfect has a cute little 4 yr old brother. I am a slobby work from home mom who lives in yoga pants, DH is a tubby 50 yr old who falls asleep on the couch after his stressful job. Mrs Perfect is a glamorous executive, Mr Perfect is 12 yrs younger and has all the energy in the world for days out. So it's perhaps no surprise that she finds them more "fun" than us, though I cannot imagine why on earth they want her there all the time. Please note ( we are both of an Asian background, where having people around all the time is quite common).

It's now got to the point that DD spends nearly all her time there. She is taking a gap year before uni so has a lot of time. She has recovered from her illness( thanks mostly to a constant effort by DH and I) Ms Perfect is off to uni, but DD still wants to go and spend time with the rest of the Perfects to help them fill their empty nest!!

I know I am going to get feedback that we should try to be more fun and better parents, or that there is something in the house that makes DD want to escape all the time. Honestly, I think we are ok. For family time we go out to eat a fair bit, have nice holidays, play games etc. I tend to nag her to clean her room or do her chores, which Mrs Perfect does not do, but surely mums are supposed to do that? As part of getting her to recover from illness, she needs to eat well, sleep well, exercise and follow certain rules. All those go out of the window with the Perfects, where it's mostly junk food and staying up late. I am beginning to feel that I am the unappreciated nurse while they get to have all the fun! Was v hurt the other day when DD said I shd prob take more of an interest in makeup and fashion like Mrs Perfect.

Sorry if I have drip fed, it's quite hard to summarise all the information. What should I do? Talk to DD and lay down the law not working v well) or talk to Mrs Perfect? Or both?

I have also had a dd who stayed home after A-levels because of earlier illness and who needed a certain amount of careful attention to her health (physical and mental health issues).

What I think you do need to realise is that it's a delicate balance. Yes, otoh she does need to look after her health. Otoh, she also badly needs to feel that she is now an adult on the same lines as those of her peers who have not had a bad time with their health but are merrily swanning off to university or traipsing around Australia. And that feeling is probably difficult to achieve at home where her loving mum is still fussing around her, making sure she eats the right things and goes to bed at a sensible time (yes, I know, I know; I've been there). That may well be the main attraction of the Perfects: that they are not parenting her. Let's face it, if her health had allowed, she could be hundreds of miles away and she would simply have to manage her chronic condition as best she could and take responsibility for her own wellbeing. Knowing that she isn't able to do this when other young people her age are must be quite a blow to her self-confidence. So the trick is to make her feel that she can still be an adult at home, and that that is how you think of her. Tricky, but really, really worthwhile.

You will have to leave your own expectations of what you would do together in her gap year to one side. After all, the ideal gap year would have been one where she could be off having adventures and you got the occasional postcard.

Think of how this gap year can serve to boost her self confidence instead. Will she be well enough to get a job soon? Anything else she could do to fill her time? If she has been ill for a long time, she may actually need to spend some time just getting on track socially. Dd often says she feels she missed crucial years in her development because of her illness (though from what I hear she is now busily filling in the gaps )

At the same time, don't let her be rude to you. If she wants to be an adult, actually whether she wants to be an adult or not- seeing that she is an adult, she needs to behave like an adult. That means doing her part of the chores and speaking to other people in a civilised manner. The comment about fashion and Mrs Perfect was not on and she should be pulled up on things like that.

I'd probably cut her quite a bit of slack concerning her room though. Again, ideally, she would be living away from home in her own space by now, so since she can't have that I'd let her have as much of that as is reasonable: don't enter it unless you have to, don't nag about cleaning unless her standards of hygiene are such that they are likely to damage the room longterm (like rotting food left on the floor). Basically, treat her room as you would if you were her landlady.

Insist on knowing if she will be home for meals and if she will be out all night and leave it at that.

And be prepared to be a good listener and show that you enjoy just talking to her as a grown-up.

I do think the whole tone of your post comes across as strange. The whole jealousy of your neighbours is just bizarre.
Tbh, wanting / expecting your dd to want to 'hang out' with you, 'having fun' is just the kind of thing that is likely to push any 18 yr old away.

I have dc of similar age, and they live their own lives with people they have chosen to spend time with. I don't expect them to be there as entertainment for me.

I could well imagine my dc calling in on friends parents if friend weren't there, as they (naturally) have a good relationship with them, having spent a lot of time there whilst the friend was there. Any of my dcs' friends would be welcome to pop in to see me too, on the same footing, but, in reality, they won't be 'spending lots of time there' once the friend has moved away.

However, I think it is really odd the way you talk about your neighbours, and that it is odd they might think your dd is pleasant company

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all the replies; I did not expect so many. Some v good points. It really helps to type things out on a screen; as I was typing I could see that some of it sounded way too needy!

lljk, You asked if DH and I were introverts; you are bang on. I wouldn't call myself an introvert exactly, but definitely wonkish at least. I have worked at home for a long time, and this certainly contributes. DH is most definitely an introvert. We lead perhaps a v quiet life. This may have worked for D earlier but clearly she is working out her own personality now, as some of you said, and trying out other options.
I forgot to say that she worked v hard at A levels, got good grades and a good uni offer, so maybe this is just her year for getting her head together.

cory that was, your points were so astute. Yes, I am probably fussing too much. That may be some of the attraction of being away. In fact, I know it is. Will rein myself in.

Back for good, your point is well taken!

Somebody asked what she likes to do with the Perfects. She is v fond of young children and toddlers, and she likes to take care of the 4 yr old brother ( who is v v cute). She used to be close to her own brother, but as he's getting older ( 14 now) they seem to have drifted apart a bit. They have quite different interests. Maybe try to get them to do something together.

Wl try, as other posters have said, to keep the atmosphere at home more fun and also take more interest in things that she likes, like certain types of music.

Every time DD walks in the door smile and greet her. Don't let her know you are hurt because she probably loves you both more than you will ever know.
Don't sweat it. Just enjoy her feeling fine

This is all very normal I think, but I wonder if your view has got a bit distorted due to your DDs health issues.

My own 17 year old announced at the weekend that she'd much rather be out with friends than 'stuck at home with you', and she was annoyed that none of her friends were available. Although a bit abrupt I do get it. I remember being that age and wanting to break away from my parents, despite them being lovely. DH, however, was quite upset with DD yesterday, he found it very hurtful.

I know the dynamic does become very different when you have a sick child and it can be quite difficult to for both parts to find your feet in that situation.

Otoh I do think as a parent you can do quite a bit to redress that balance by giving her the space to be as independent as possible, simply showing that you think of her as an adult. This will boost her confidence more than anything you can say or do. She will be grateful- at last in retrospect- and it will help your longterm relationship.

I would not go to town on trying to be fun and engaging with everything she does. A little interest is always nice, but you don't want to give the impression that you have an agenda and that your goal is to get her back as your little girl again. It isn't, or at least it shouldn't be. Your goal is to see her take off as a functioning independent adult. If you show an interest in what she does, it's because it sounds really interesting and she is an interesting person, not because you are secretly hoping to delay her coming-of-age.

I did make a deliberate effort to take an interest in the World Cup to have something to talk to my 18yo ds about, but I also understood if he'd rather watch any individual match in the pub with his mates. I was there and happy to watch with him if he happened to be watching at home (and I happened to be in- important to have your own life). We had some good times, but there was no pressure.

Ds is also 18 and will be staying at home an extra year because he switched Sixth Form college- in fact, he will probably staying for several years as he's going down the apprentice route.

I do nag him about the times that are directly relevant to me: if it messes up the house too much, damages property, disturbs my rest, or interferes with his chances of becoming economically independent within a reasonable timespan. But that's it.

I do think it’s odd that she’s still spending time there when her friend has gone to uni. As much as I’m sure she’s great company, I’d expect the ‘perfects’ to be enjoying time with their DS as a family. Do they see her as convenient, free childcare maybe?

Don’t really understand the comments about her being 18. I was a mature 18 y/o and still needed lots of guidance from my DParents at that age and beyond

I could well imagine my dc calling in on friends parents if friend weren't there

I've thought about this, and you know, I really couldn't imagine that with any of my teenage dc. I'm sure that would be on their long 'things which are weird' list. In fact, I can almost hear their scathing tones now, if I were to suggest they hang out with friends' parents when friends weren't there!

I just want us to have more fun together as a family.

OP I sympathise, but I think this is an unreasonable or at least unrealistic expectation to have of an 18yo girl, especially one who has been v ill. It seems in your post you kind of want her to show gratitude for your care of her during her illness, but to a teenager that's what parents are for, why would she thank you for that any more than she thanks you for breathing? And she has a point. Expecting her to like and appreciate you more than someone else because you took better care of her health, well, that's an understandable feeling to have, but not one you can expect her to validate.

She's 18. She's finished school. She's healthy again. The point of all this for her is to make her break away from her family, explore other experiences and identities, go out and see other people. She doesn't want to remember being sick and being cared for like a child. She wants to feel like an independent adult. Even an 18yo who hasn't been ill would feel the same. It's not the time of life in which you can expect them to want to "hang out" at home, or enjoy "pottering" with you. That is anathema to 18yos.

Give it time. Remember the Mark Twain quote about how much his parents improved. Adult children come back around down the line, but you have to let them break away first.

All teens go through this stage totally normal.

If you want to spend more time with her then organise something a break together. If you like reading, head to a city with lots of bookshops. Or the poolside. Find your way of connecting with her that isn't tiring.

You are her mum, you will always be that, she definitely hasn't replaced you she is just venturing into the world

PS No such thing as perfect parents either!

Also, sorry, but the whole "the Perfects let her stay up late and eat junk" makes you sound both jealous and... Kind of smothering. Your daughter could have easily chosen to eat healthily and go to bed early while with them if she wanted. She actively chose not to, and that's her choice to make; blaming it on them is infantilising her, and hovering and reminding her to eat her vegetables and get an early night is exactly the kind of stuff that is going to drive an 18yo batshit insane and make her actively avoid time at home.

Yes, she has a crush on the Perfects right now. There she has the novelty of a guest, she can be whoever she wants to be without baggage, the shadow of her illness isn't constantly in the room. But down the line, do you think it's the Perfects she will call when she struggles at work, when she struggles for money, when she has a bad breakup and needs a place to live? Are the Perfects going to be sitting on the top table at her wedding?

She'll be back. And until then, you have to let her go.

WatcherintheRye - the OP's dd likes to go and play with the little boy. Again, I can see my dd doing that - she loves little ones, and, in truth loves the feed back she gets when told how good she is with them, I should imagine. With older sibling gone, if she keeps up the relationship, there are likely to be opportunities for babysitting to earn a bit of cash too.

I would just let it run its course. She isn't their actual family so probably from time to time get sick of her hanging around and intruding on family time if it's as much as you say it is.
It won't be like that forever

"Don’t really understand the comments about her being 18. I was a mature 18 y/o and still needed lots of guidance from my DParents at that age and beyond"

The point, Back, is that the OPs dd has finished her education and her friends are presently arriving at uni all geared up for Freshers week. In other words, they will be in a position where they decide for themselves how much guidance they want to ask their parents for. Some may well decide they need plenty, some may decide they'd rather make their own decisions. But the point is, they now have the freedom to decide for themselves.

The OPs dd is missing out on this experience through no fault of her own, simply because she has been seriously ill. This probably feels rather unfair. Any attempt from her mother to treat her as a younger child will rub that in, rather than help her to look forward to the time when she will be strong and able to set off on her own journey. And particularly if her condition is chronic, it may well trigger fears that she will never be able to cope like other people. She needs to build that confidence.

I think the OP sounds very humorous!

I really think that like susunsun...'s ds, East or West, Home is Best at the end of the day. Your own bed, your own stuff etc etc and that OP's dd will realise that.

That being said, the dreaded "fun" family can be a bit of a threat. I know a widow whose ds married into a younger, super fun family. A not very well off older widow vs. people with a holiday home, a yacht, friends, parties etc etc. Sadly her dil's family get every Christmas, high day and holiday.

Looking into my crystal ball I can see me being the boring smelly old granny in the sheltered accommodation that the gc groan about visiting...