12 year old DS no friends at school

[xmummy]

12 year old DS (Yr 8 at school) and I had a big talk yesterday. I sort of knew this but he said he's is unpopular at school and has no real friends and doesn't know where he's fits in. He's not a super clever boy, no longer a footy boy etc.

He thinks to be popular you have to be the best at something and want to be but doesn't want to put hours of effort in (I think he thinks it will help his self esteem). He says he keeps saying the wrong thing also to kids at school to try to be popular.

Being impartial DS is a kind, caring and sensitive boy but he has very high expectations of others and himself and can be hard on friends/acerbic if they mess up or don't do as he thinks and I imagine this coupled with his low self esteem has put friends off/p'd them off.

Do you have any words of wisdom? DH said I shouldn't try to solve the problem as he needs to learn. I worry about his emotional resilience.

Has he always had issues with making friends?
Does it cause issues in his daily life e.g. bullying or depression/anxiety?
Does it occur outside of school too?
Does he relate better to adults?

I only ask as my 12yo is the same, he just doesn't fit in with his peers and relates to adults more than any child. He has never had a close friend, spends most of his day at school alone and he has very low self-esteem, anxiety and has been suicidal due to "feeling alone" and persistent bullying.

We were (finally!) referred on to CAMHS are in the process of assessing him for Autism but he has several classic "traits" that point to this.

If you answered yes to those questions I'd speak to your GP as unfortunately, it's not always something that can be "solved" or learnt.

@yerauntfanny
Hes good at making friends in New places but struggles at school to keep them. He has a couple of mates from his old infant school and where we used to live.

He is good with adults. I think it's low self confidence and attitude that's possibly the reason and he was bullied badly in year 4; but I don't know how to support him best to help him improve things, beyond begin supportive, open and honest x

How is the pastoral care at school?

My dd is Y9 and I know of a few of her peers that have struggled like this.
The school have been very involved. The school over 40 lunchtimes clubs and after school too. Not just sport based but things like drama (very popular), choir, computer club, board games, even Lego club!

Those people my dd knew off were also a bit socially awkward. I.e saying the wrong thing. My dd says these days they are happy. They have found a few like minded people.

My dd struggled in Y7. She knew no-one at her new secondary. For her, the breakthrough began when she joined drama club. It has built from there. She never strives to be 'popular' as that seems to hold connotations for 'mean' at her school but she does her thing, speaks to lots of people and has a small group of friends now.

My ds has just started and knows hardly anyone either. He's taking his time but seems ok for now.

If I were you, I would go and see someone at the school. This is totally something that Pastoral should be in on. Your ds won't be the first person at school that hasn't 'fitted in' easily. They will have ways/ideas of how to help.

Good luck.

@Trampire
Thanks for the suggestion. Was wondering whether to do this, so will definitely contact them now.

He did go to clubs but slowly has dropped them being quite defeatist that he was the best at keyboard in music club and no longer is etc. He's got quite down on it all and negative.

He just wants to play fortnite online with some old friends online. I don't mind a bit but not all the time obviously.
Thanks again

I think you need to tell him it to be so acerbic with his friends

It’s tough. DS used to be popular but it has waned massively in the past year. He’s had issues with certain friends mugging him off and is trying to make an effort with new ones but it’s difficult.
Are there any out of school clubs he could join? I never fitted in well at school but found great friends through a youth club.