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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How to help DS(16) make friends

13 replies

1Wanda1 · 12/09/2018 18:55

DS (16) has recently started 6th form college. Main reason he chose to leave secondary school for college was because he didn't have any real friends at school and we encouraged him to make a fresh start at a place where everyone starts "new".

4 days in and I am really worried. All through primary and secondary school, DS has struggled to make friends with kids his own age. There is nothing "wrong" with him, but socially he is just very awkward with kids his age. When he was a little boy, he was quite show-off-y with his peers. These days, although I don't know (because I'm not there at school), I think perhaps he can be a bit the same - he can talk a lot in a group setting and not really listen to others, IYKWIM.

With adults he is fine and in fact nearly all adults who meet him say what a delightful, lovely boy he is.

He has never been sporty. For various reasons, has never been able to pursue any organised outside school activities. He loves gaming and would spend all his time online gaming if he could. He has a couple of friends in another country who he's met through the game they play and those are basically who he considers his closest friends.

I so hoped that college would be a fresh start for him and that he'd make a few friends. But he's coming home each day saying everyone seems to know each other already and he can't bring himself to go up to any groups of people, or even people on their own, at break time and just say hi. He has already formed the view that "everyone thinks I'm a dick, so I can't be bothered trying to talk to them." He's going to the library at break so he won't have to be obviously alone. There is a lot of "I don't care", but he so obviously does care. I just feel so sad for him as I desperately want him to feel worthy of having friends, instead of the social misfit he believes he is.

Any ideas as to how to help? I really don't want his school years to end without him ever having had a real friend (in real life as opposed to online).

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 12/09/2018 18:58

is there perhaps a club he could join at school? that would help him meet new people. or maybe a youth group outside of school? another option is also volunteering, not only does it look good on uni applications, it would also enable your son to meet new people. it is always difficult starting a new school, maybe all he needs is time. all the best x

HollowTalk · 12/09/2018 18:58

You could contact the college and speak to the head of sixth form and say that your son isn't happy and isn't making friends and can staff please do some sort of exercises to help people get to know each other. You don't have to say your son's name - in fact, I think it would be better if you didn't, as it would probably come out. You should find them very helpful - your son is worth money to them and they won't want him to leave!

HollowTalk · 12/09/2018 19:00

Does the college have clubs, eg in computer programming?

1Wanda1 · 12/09/2018 19:12

I have asked him about clubs and he says there are none he is interested in joining. I wish he did like computer programming! He did computer science GCSE and hated it. He only likes playing computer games, not the concept of making them.

The college is very student-led, in that they make clear that they do not engage with parents in the first instance and expect students to deal with the college directly. E.g. if your child was falling behind in a subject, the first you would know (unless your child told you) would be AFTER the college had already put the child on a performance management plan and that had failed. I find this odd. However, perhaps they would respond to a call asking them to do something to help less social students meet people.

Genuinely, he really is a personable boy other than with his own age group. He has just got himself a great Saturday sales job, in a shop where their even their young weekend staff are all good socially and have to sell quite expensive things (so must be able to build rapport with customers).

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 12/09/2018 19:24

in that case i would strongly suggest he joins a youth group outside off school, even if he doesn't really want to, it would be good for him to engage with a whole group of people. also, sometimes there are video games championships on? maybe he could go to them, even if just to watch

Leah2005 · 12/09/2018 19:33

Is there any chance he could start a club himself? What games does he play? My son started a card gaming club at his local library and a few of them get together every week. (Magic the Gathering, Yu gi oh etc). Look at Explorers - scouts for older teens.

Northernparent68 · 12/09/2018 20:44

I’d suggest something like rowing, martial arts, biking.

gimeallthecake · 12/09/2018 23:10

It sounds a little like social anxiety to me. I agree with PP about joining a club or getting a new hobby. It's a great way to meet new people. Also I know how hard it is to get 16 years olds to do anything, but sometimes you just have to force them to get out and about and interact.

Would you consider therapy? Cognitive behavioural therapy and working on his confidence might do him wonders. There maybe nothing 'wrong' with him, but he is 'wrong' in how he thinks others a judge him and acts based on this misconception.

1Wanda1 · 13/09/2018 06:55

I have wondered about some form of counselling, gimmeallthecake, but I l also worry about making his social awkwardness with peers more of a "thing" by focusing on it in that way. I suppose perhaps the time has come to accept that it is a thing anyway.

OP posts:
gimeallthecake · 13/09/2018 07:42

It may be making it a 'thing' but we all need a little help now and again and it really sounds like he has lost his sparkle along the way. There's nothing wrong with getting some help and opening up new horizons for him. It will give him skills that he can utilise life long. I know how it feels, sometimes you dislike your self so much you forget that other people actually like you. You think they can see the same faults in yourself that you see. But they really don't. And at 16 it's such a tender vulnerable age in personal development, I cant forget what it's like being an awkward teenager.

AjasLipstick · 13/09/2018 10:27

The college is very student-led, in that they make clear that they do not engage with parents in the first instance and expect students to deal with the college directly.

Well they MIGHT be but they still have a duty of care towards the kids! They can't say that and absolve themselves of responsibility!

I think that's quite a poor show.

1Wanda1 · 13/09/2018 11:07

I agree, gimeallthecake, it is so tough being a teenager. I wouldn't go back to that time for anything! My heart just aches for him, he is such a lovely boy. I know I'm biased but he is very kind and would be such a good friend.

I will look into finding a CBT counsellor in the area.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 13/09/2018 11:17

How about joining a Warhammer group? The focus is the game and its very popular with people who find freeform social interaction harder because of that

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