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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS 18 reduces me to tears

20 replies

Animalseverywhere · 03/09/2018 22:34

I thought I'd escaped the moody teen stage with him, he was always such a great kid. He did extremely well at GCSE and started A levels but too much Xbox time and not enough work meant he failed his AS levels this summer. Over the spring he applied for an apprenticeship and he got it but I could tell if he had his way he'd rather go back to the safety net of school and dick about all day.
He passed his driving test in the spring and we helped him to get a car, insure it etc along with his part time job his life appears to be going along nicely.
So why is he being an absolute pig to me? He speaks to me like something off his shoe - and that's when he can even be bothered to speak to me. He's gets everything done for him, support and kindness all the time. I know it's big life changes for him but he's downright rude and nasty and treats me like dirt.
He started the apprenticeship today and won't answer any questions about how his day went, he just shrugs and grunts. He gaslights me, when I ask him for. Instance if they've given him workwear he said no yet he's just left his room carrying a jacket. When I ask him why he didn't no say earlier when I asked him he says he forgot.
This behaviour has gone on all summer and I'm utterly sick of it,
Please tell me they grow out of it.

OP posts:

GinandGingerBeer · 03/09/2018 22:51

He's gets everything done for him
I'd be putting a stop to that while ever he spoke to you like shit on his shoe.

30hours · 03/09/2018 22:55

Stop enabling his behaviour.
Stop paying his car.
Stop doing his laundry.
No cooking.

Or? Let him treat you like shit with no consequence. Entirely in your hands.

Monday55 · 03/09/2018 23:07

You seem a bit full on. When I was a teen I just wanted to be left alone. He'll come to you and talk to you about work when he wants.
But yes, stop enabling him. Let him clean, do laundry and help around the house. Be firm and tell him not to talk to you like that. He's treating you like shit because you let him.

lljkk · 04/09/2018 05:36

Can he move out? "I don't talk to you like that! What makes you think it's ok to speak to me like that?" has come out of my mouth a few times.

user1483387154 · 04/09/2018 05:37

Stop doing everything for him

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/09/2018 05:40

Our son was like this at 18. Once he got a job he liked he matured a lot and became quite human. He's now 22 and delightful. He sometimes says "God I was horrendous when I was in 6th form, I don't know how you put up with me and we agree!

fedupandnogin · 04/09/2018 15:57

I'm in tears right now because of the way my DS (19) is talking to me. He is due to go back to uni soon and to be honest I can't wait. He's exactly the same - talks to me as though I'm a bit of dirt (if he can be bothered). It's ignorant and I feel completely unloved by him and taken for granted. To be honest I no longer cook for him because he's never around at mealtimes. He cooks his own meals sometimes and just leaves mess everywhere. I'm so fed up.

BlueTyger · 07/09/2018 23:47

But, Emma, what if you're a single parent and your DS or DD is really affecting your mental health with their behaviour, it can be really damaging for the parent and for the relationship.

I know some families have lots of space, time, support and money - and this goes some way to alleviating the distress.

But if your teenager is being a total PITA, and the circumstances are more difficult and limited, I think the damage done can be much more difficult to cope with.

I hope that makes sense.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/09/2018 05:34

Blue I agree. I am very lucky in that DH and I were a team when dealing with DS. But it affected my mental health enormously and I don't know how I'd have coped if I'd been a single parent. I did think at one point that my relationship with DS would never recover from what he put us through but it has. Unfortunately our younger ds suffered as well and I don't think their relationship will ever be the same.

Although I had lots of support from DH what I did struggle with was not really being able to confide in friends about how truly dreadful it was, as all of them had very high achieving, well adjusted children and didn't really get where I was coming from and how truly awful ds was.

I know this soundd trite but what did help me was keeing a diary. I wrote down exactly what was happening and how I felt/ how it was affecting me. That was quite therapeutic.

ApplesinmyPocket · 08/09/2018 09:38

He shouldn't speak to you like that. There's no excuse whatsoever. You must find it very hurtful. Poor OP. I'd withdraw a bit, to be honest. Become rather distant, though polite of course, though respond to any warmth with an answering warmth. The likelihood is he WILL come back to you as he matures, as others have said.

I will just say that as my DDs grew up from being my constant little sidekick whose every move I knew and watched over, their efforts towards independence were quite anxious times for them (still are at times, even though both are older than your DS) and this made them quite stiff and secretive about things they felt unconfident about. To this day I can't really ask them questions about things I'm curious about (job, relationships) as they often clam up and withdraw. They tell what they want to share in their own good time - they know I love them devotedly and would do anything to help if they ever asked - but it's up to them if they want to confide.

So your "questions about how his day went" - he probably found his day in this new grown-up situation overwhelming and confusing and is processing it inside. Questions about it, even well-meant ones from his Mum who loves him and is just hoping it was a good day for him, are the last thing he probably wants when he comes in.

I hope things improve for you soon. I know how sad and hurt one can feel when a loved child seems to reject us.

BlueTyger · 08/09/2018 20:36

Well, luckily I have a friend with a DS even more out-of-control . However she has good health and can (just about) cope with it. She is also a single parent so I think we can both understand that you can kinda go a bit "bananas" on your own, and also there is no "backup".

However, I do get what you mean about other parents who don't really get it. Its just not something within their experience.

I'm glad to hear how things improved in time. But am sorry to hear how it affected your younger DS.

BlueTyger · 08/09/2018 20:37

^ oops addressed to Emma

BlueTyger · 08/09/2018 20:38

And I'm glad to hear your elder DS is delightful now .

BarbarianMum · 08/09/2018 21:33

If you lie down and print "doormat" on your forehead people will walk all over you.

Back right off and give him space to grow. No fussing over him, no making his life lovely and comfortable. He's taking you for granted so dont be.

goldiehawn1 · 18/09/2018 00:12

this thread has really helped me too. My 18 year old son is a nightmare, rude, aggressive, unkind, physically pushes me about and tells me to F off regularly and that is all when I just ask him not to use a shower for the third time because it leaks!!!

I am finding I am at the end of the line having put up with his unpleasant behaviour for 3 + years.

I had hoped that he would go off travelling but that has not materialised, he has alienated a lot of his friends with his heavy drinking, weed smoking and general underlying aggressive behaviour, not to mention falling out with my sister and his brother.

I have come to the conclusion that there is just no helping him and he is on his own. I just wish he would go off to Uni or travel or something. Living with him is a nightmare.

I cant give any tips to you but I thought it might help that there are other people going through somewhat similar situations.

Really hope you get some resolve, xxxx

fedupandnogin · 18/09/2018 15:58

It's so hard isn't it @goldiehorn1 ? I wish I knew the answer. My DS has gone back to uni but is due back again at the weekend. It was so hard having him back home with his aggressive behaviour and rudeness. You think you've done a really good job in bringing them up and then get this. It upsets me so much.

Getmeout5 · 19/09/2018 16:51

I’m just sitting in my car reading all these posts after dropping off my almost 18 year old DS who is incredibly difficult to live with. Rude, smiling weed all the time, and has the sharpest tongue too. I feel upset and hopeless most of the time. Seeing these posts really helps as I don’t feel so alone. Really identify with the person who said she can’t share her feelings with other parents whose kids are all perfect! I just want to escape as I can’t bear the thought of our ‘relationship’ deteriorating any further.

Getmeout5 · 19/09/2018 16:53

I meant ‘smoking’ weed.

RachelTeeth · 28/09/2018 11:35

What’s with the parents here pandering to their vile adult male offspring? Serving them, providing meals, paying for them, dropping the places while they (ADULT MALES. GROWN MEN) treat you abusively and aggressively? Fuck that. Remove them from your property, or whining about it just makes you look idiotic.

Olderbyaminute · 16/10/2018 17:41

RachelTeeth So,did you have a bowl of hostility for breakfast? I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior either but your post is neither helpful or constructive.
If an 18 or 19 year old acts this way after backing off then I would inform them they are responsible for their own welfare and to leave! If they get violent call the police.

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