Should I buy condoms for DD14?

[BritishKiwi74]

I have recently discovered that my DD14 is considering having sex with her B/F (also 14) of 5 months. The discovery was made accidentally, when she asked me to check her phone for some info on a text message and I opened the wrong message.

The text message I opened in error, was to one of her close male friends (also 14) telling him about a conversation between her B/F and her regarding doing it. It seems that the B/F had asked her via snapchat, if she is "ready" as he got the feeling over the weekend that she was, but he wasn't sure and didn't want to push her. She had stayed over at his house (in the spare room) on Saturday and spent all day Sunday with him. They are not at the same school, and are both busy with sport, so time is precious for them you might say! They are very close and seem to genuinely care about each other (as much as you can at such a young age!).

She was basically asking how she should handle the situation, as she really loves her B/F, but wanted to know from a guys point of view, how he could tell that she was feeling this. She also asked what she should do, as she feels really close to him and thinks that she is almost ready.

I have the say that that guy friend gave excellent advice! He told her that boys could tell from the mood and body language of the girl! He advised her to tell him the truth about how she was feeling, and that she needs to talk to him about trust and that at the end of the day its her decision, not the B/F's. He then went on to tell her to make sure that she was safe.

When they are together here they are in her bedroom with the door shut. They are often lying on the bed watching movies, but I know that lately they have been snuggled under the top blanket. I know that 14 is pretty young to be allowed such privacy but she's a pretty sensible kid, and we have had some good "chats" (me chatting in the car, her looking out the window, not really wanting to listen, but listening and responding without having to look at me!!!) about sex, contraception, trust, keeping things private between herself and him, reputation, etc.

My question is, knowing what I now know, that she is considering "going all the way" as they still call it here in New Zealand (I'm still 100% Brit, even if she is a proper kiwi teen!!) should I buy condoms and make her aware that they are here should she need them?

In doing so, am I enabling her to be safe or actually just encouraging her to do it?! We recently spoke (before I knew this!) about buying condoms and whether she would feel confident to do that and she admitted that she was not sure that she would be.

If I do go ahead and buy them, I was considering letting her know where they are going to be kept here in the house and also putting one in with her tampons, in her bag, meaning that it would be with her when she is going to his house.

I'm so undecided on what to do for the best - so welcome your thoughts!

I think you’d be encouraging her - she’s way too young.

It's that fine line between keeping them safe and encouraging them because they think you are ok with it. The thing is, if she is going to do it anyway, I'd rather she was safe. I think you need to have a proper talk to her about what's acceptable and waiting, especially as she isn't mature enough to sort out her own protection, she probably also isn't mature enough to be having sex.

I slept with my boyfriend for the first time at her age. I thought I was ready and I loved him (as much as you can at 14!) but in retrospect I think I was far too young.

I’d try to get her to reconsider, acknowledging that it’s her body and her choice but that sometimes we feel ready physically before we’re ready emotionally or mentally for sex and it’s consequences. I think I might have listened if my mum had pulled me aside and said something like that to me.

I don’t want to scare you but my sister fell pregnant at 15 (she’d had sex about twice and was just unlucky). It worked out for her and she’s a very happy adult but it was so so hard at the time.

I definitely wouldn't buy her condoms. Perhaps you need to sit down and have a conversation with her. 14 is way too young and it seems as if you are somewhat encouraging her. Let her know that it is good to wait and if he loves her, then he should respect her decision. I also find it concerning that he approached her via snapchat 🤔. Be careful of allowing the door to be shut when they are watching films. A door open policy would help to monitor behaviour. Even better, could they not watch the movies in the living room? Just my personal opinion. Interesting to see what others think. Good luck

My mum told me if I was going to do it, I had to be safe and I had to buy my own condoms - "if you're old enough to give your body to a boy, you're old enough to go to the shop and buy some" it put me off for a few more months, but she's right. If either of them are feeling mature enough, then buying them should be their responsibility.

I wouldn't keep them in the bathroom.

I'd tell her to keep them in her room so she's not paranoid that you'll be counting the condoms in the packet.

Although 14 is young, it isn't unusual. But, according to the Family Planning Association:

one in five young men and nearly half of young
women aged 16–24 said they wished they had
waited longer to start having sex. They were
twice as likely to say this if they had been
under 15 when they first had sex.

What is the age of consent in New Zealand? Is it 16, as in the UK? Is there a close-in-age exception/Romeo & Juliet clause, or could they actually get into trouble?

Can she only access condoms by actually going to a shop and buying them? In the UK since 1985 a healthcare professional can provide contraception - including hormonal contraception - to under-16s without parental knowledge or consent. Clearly in your case you already know so the confidentiality clause is not an issue, but if she genuinely feels she is mature enough she should be sorting it out for herself unless this is not possible under NZ legislation.

Also, it is just as much the boy's responsibility as hers. They should buy condoms together. But it's normally considered advisable to use more than one method. If that isn't possible they both need to consider the implications - what would they do if she became pregnant? Perhaps it would be better to wait. How does NZ law apply to what is sometimes - and euphemistically - known as "other stuff"? It sounds from your post that they may have been doing that already. Is it not enough? Could it be?

These are all things to think about.

Hmmm... I had sex at 14. Bought the condoms myself, with my boyfriend from a local pharmacy. We stayed together for several years and although it didn’t work out we are still friends. Both of us have gone on to have professional careers and started families in our mid-late 30s.

I wish my mum had talked to me about sex more than making “oooOooooH” noises when people kisses on soap operas. I wish she had been more open and supportive.

I think I would have made the same decisions anyway, but I would have done so with more confidence, feeling better about myself. Not feeling like I had to sneak/lie/was dirty in some way

Thanks so much to everyone that has responded. Its great to be able to get advice when I feel as though I have no one that I can discuss this with. I appreciate all the answers that I have received so far.

The age of consent is also 16 here in NZ, and there is no Romeo/Juliet clause. I am obviously not keen for them to start having sex at such a young age, despite the fact that they are extremely close. Emotionally i feel that they are too young, and I worry for my Daughter, should they break up. I think that she will be far more hurt if she has lost her virginity to him.

I think the fact of having to purchase the condoms themselves could hopefully postpone the event. I just hope that they don't get caught up in the moment and take a risk. The B/F does have an older brother (19) whom he is very close to. Hopefully he would ask him if he wasn't confident himself to go and buy some condoms himself. I will certainly take into account the open door policy that some of you have mentioned.

There is a family planning association over here that works very much the same as the one in the UK. Youths under 22 can access cheap contraceptives ($5 for a condom prescription) which they have to get from a pharmacy. I have looked at their website today. It has some great information on it. Even a section on how to know if you are ready, etc, which talks about the emotional side of having sex a lot. It has a great bit on there that mentions that if they are not comfortable to properly discuss sex, then may-be they are not ready. I think I will send her the link to the website and suggest that she has a good read of all the information on there

Re the snapchat message, I think that this was just the medium that was used at the time to communicate, as it was later at night, after my Daughter had come home from his house (after 9.30pm). I know that they have discussed the importance of keeping there relationship private & not discussing it with their friends, so assume that they would have spoken about stuff. I know he is still a virgin, as she told me that. I will try and bring the subject into our conversation over the next few days, without her realising that I have seen the message to her friends.

Thanks again!