Worried

[Panda812]

Hello, I’ve not done this before but I don’t know who to turn to. My 18 year dtr is with a manipulative and controlling boyfriend with mental health issues. He used to control her by threatening to harm himself but now he uses tears. She has been with him for about 2 years with a break of about 4 months when they split up. Whilst at school (he dropped out) he would message her throughout the night as he was “scared” . He would turn up here (about 6 miles away) in the middle of the night for the same reason. He is rude, disrespectful and doesn’t talk much, let alone make eye contact. I love my daughter more than I loathe him so have tried to accept him but he is now turning this round and says, through his tears, that he feels I look right through him, though not sure how he would know as he never makes eye contact. I tried in the past to talk with her about my concerns but she didn’t want to know, so this time I refrain from saying anything about him as I want to keep communication open with her, but from what i hear he is twisting things in her head. My friend who is police officer in domestic abuse says that his behaviour is very controlling
. I know she wants to go to Uni next year but I’m worried he will pull some kind of stunt to prevent her from doing this. When she went to a recent festival , although he went with a separate group of friends he turned up to “check that she was OK” and put his mark on her ( my dtr words) with a large love bite to show she was “taken”
P,ease someone help. My rational mind says let it runs it’s course and keep the home a happy and welcoming place for her....I keep trying to get her to do stuff with me, movie, dinner out etc - but she’s difficult to pin down......but the emotional side of me is screaming inside.

Hi, when I was 15 I dated a boy my parents hated (too old and had a bad reputation). They banned me from seeing him, grounded me, tried to make me see who was he was etc. In my immature teenage head this made it all the more romantic and me all the more stubborn and determined that we would be together. I left home and my education went down the drain, largely over the arguments and tension this relationship was causing. 6 months later he dumped me, I was devastated. Felt I couldn't go back to my parents because they would be gloating.

That was over a decade ago now and I'm happily married with a great job and 3 lovely kids. It took years and years and years for my relationship with my mum to get back on track.

I know you're worried and the instinct to do anything possible to protect your child is so strong, but your rational mind is right. Also your daughter is 18 so she is an adult and you can't make her do anything. Just be there for her, focus on keeping your relationship with her as healthy as possible. Don't constantly run him down. Don't ban him from your house, it'll only give him ammo when if he's trying to tell your daughter that you are out to get him.

The relationship will likely run it's course, and it sounds like your daughter already isn't happy with aspects of it, such as the love bite incident.

The worst case scenario isn't your daughter not going to uni (can always go the year after), it's this man persuading your daughter to go NC with you and her being in a relationship with this man with no one to turn to.