DS smoking weed - only 16 next week

[Zaor]

At the start of June I found out DS had smoked weed a few times. I didn't freak out about it but had some hard conversations and he was grounded for a week. He kept trying to justify it saying its legal in such and such a place and its not worse than alcohol. He did it because he was bored. I'm fairly sure he stayed off it for a good few weeks but I was suspicious recently and caught him last week. I told him I didn't care if I was wrong but it was my house and my rules and if he had money to "burn" on weed I wouldn't be paying for his phone/netflix etc. So then I caught him again last night under very sneaky circumstances. I'm so shocked at how devious he was - got out a window while I was asleep. I have followed through and taken all his online access but I'm half afraid that will drive him more to it. Any time he has done this he has been in the company of a friend who seems to be allowed do this although he is a year younger.

He isn't a bad kid normally. Works well at school, never a problem there - teachers all speak well of him. Hes a typical lazy around the house uncommunicative teen but hes generally a nice chap. He does have anger issues when playing shooting games and has punched holes in his desk so I bought him a punch bag for that.

I'm freaking out now that I've taken action. I don't know if Im wrong or right.

Any advice would be welcome...

I don’t have any advice really; just following as an in a similar situation. My DS is 14. He seems to have started this summer holidays, along with a number of his friends. I’ve told him he’s not having any money to spend on wee; I’ve told him why it worries me- it is what it does to the brain in the long term rather than the short term that really concerns me. I am trying to be understanding and keep the dialogue going, but am very worried about him and where it may lead. He has ADHD, we have spoken about this tonthe psychiatrist at Camhs, she was less shocked than I was, it seems much more common now than it was when I was the same age

Sorry to hear that poster Squeegle - its really hard to watch them do it isn't it? Then trying to find the right balance of understanding and tough love. I'm so glad they are back at school this week - I hope it will help steady things here.

Can't believe how common weed is with teenagers. Ds1 has had it at parties etc since turned 16, poss bit before. He doesn't drink and gives us the old "it's better than alcohol as doesn't make people aggressive"....Yep just mental health problems....they will not be told.

If you have council drug services for young people, give them a phonecall for advice - especially to find out what the secondary schools approach to support is.

Yes, its an increasing problem, drug and alcohol use is reducing across the population BUT we only use questionnaire surveys to measure this and the methodology changed -annecdotally its increasing and school PHSE lessons are patchy in secondary.

Things to bear in mind

Where are they getting it from? Via friends or older users? Is dealing through school a possibility - make sure your child knows that possession in school leads to expulsion( meaning no access to friends) - especially be cautious about doing favours or carrying for others.

Drug debt - how much are they spending vs how much does it cost, are they inadvertently goinginto debt - there is no such thing as a freebie, once in debt it isnt the same as just owing money you owe a favour alongside the debt.

Why? Only your childwill really know, usually it starts as typical experimentation BUT the most powerful persuader will be a peer group, get to know your childs friends, their names, any changes and be interested. Take note of worrying changes, and try to encourage their own interests and identities.

Coming into this as I have a 14 DD who has been using the odd bit of weed with friends. She is high functioning ASD and doesn't seem to grasp the conversations about limitations, staying safe etc that my older 17 yo DD did .She really enjoys it . So I am grounding for now in the hope once she goes back to school things may calm down . Has your DS got exams this year OP ? My DD says everyone does it ( but I know that's NOT the case! ) and it helps her with anxiety . She is already under the local Camhs dept.

Sorry I meant to add, as someone said before , I think the most important thing is to keep talking about it and encourage openness and frankness about drugs and needs \ wants

Using cannabis to relax - can you have a conversation about how people around you relax? How people she admires spend their spare time to wind down? Possibly redirect to other ways (warm baths, music, aromatherapy, crystal healing, reiki, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, poetry, writing) if that bores her to tears something more exhilarating? Climbing walls, horse riding, surf school - away from peers and out of her comfort zone and maybe coming from a supportive family member if things are fraught?

Im not saying these as something to throw at someone as a "solution", many people simply grow out of it once there are more interesting diversions on offer.

DSis is a psychologist. Male brains are not fully formed until 25. Weed causes damage. Hence why some kids develop psychological issues on weed if they start young.

Weed does have helpful befits and medical properties as long as you are over 25.

Hi Red - does your dsis have any studies to substantiate? Id be really interested in reading them, the developing adolescent brain is something ive heard before, but the mechanism of damage and cutoff age 25 are new to me.

I’d cut off his source of income for the weed and encourage a summer job and a sport as a distraction.
Weed is way stronger these days and is messing with teenagers heads.
Weed is also very very bad for their lungs as it burns hotter than nicotine.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm waiting for a call back now from local health centre re counselling - for me if he won't go!!

I've tried encouraging him and friends to do a few different things over the summer - climbing walls etc paid for with tesco tokens so even free and although he seems interested initially it never seems to happen. Hes not remotely interested on doing anything on his own or with the family. He is on a soccer team and thats back shortly.

He did exams in June and wasn't stressed about them at all. This year is transition year so an easy one for him - whether that will help or make things worse remains to be seen.

I've banned him from seeing 2 friends who seem always be around when he was caught and spoken with their parents so hopefully them all being in trouble at once will help. School is back next week so the return to routine will help.

I'm so worried about the long term affects. There have been a few psychological issues in family members on both sides and I've explained that could make him more easily affected than others.

Hes currently not speaking to us at all - mostly because we ratted on his friends but I'm not going to back down on removal of wifi etc. I told what him the consequences were and he chose to ignore it. Hopefully when the initial anger wears off we can get back to open communications.

I'm sick to my stomach about this and my heart goes out to anyone else dealing with the same situation. Stay strong

My god I was looking to see if there was a thread like this, after finding out my 15 year old dd has been out smoking it, I don't want to over react but nor do I want to condone it it's so bloody hard this teenager thing x

Totally agree easylover. We have reached a truce of sorts after a week of no communication and tension and fights that were rotten. He has agreed not to smoke it for a "long time" (whatever that means) and I have given him back limited access to the Wifi etc. Any money greater than a fiver that he earns from us will go directly into the bank. Ditto with any birthday money. He has been very quiet and hasn't been outside the door except for school. I think he is trying to stay away from temptation but I could be wrong. He is back exercising. I hate that I don't trust him any more.

Was it your DD's first time do you think? I know its hard to get the balance right. I can't help but think I didn't react strongly enough first time but that could have made things worse.

HI this summery DD just 16 has gone mental, friendships changing hanging out with mates and general awfulness. I knew something was going on but when questioned it was denied. the smell alone gives it away! I confronted DD and It didn't go well! along with being backed up by older sibling who doesn't smoke (she said she knew but its her choice!) so loads chat about it relaxes me, this house is awful, why are you still together with Dad, quoting me for making ones own choices. you're a crap mum, being stressed out …….. blah blah blah more hurtfully phrase was" just cos your not happy" along with "you should do something about it"! I was (am) devastated bloody kids are awful and I don't know why I bothered TBH Anyway, I printed off documents about weed, leaflets and a clinical study linking weed to psychosis. I advised them of family history, my experience of deaths due to drugs, family heart health and said If you are free to make a choice, make a informed choice about what you are doing but I will not have any drugs of any type in this house. I will not be handing out any money and you are on your own with this one Well lets see what happen next. eeek aaaaarrrrggggh this is probably not an example of good parenting but there is no manual.

I've suspected dd has done it before I know a lot of her friends do, she is becoming very secretive and it scares me. I have told her she's not going out this week with anyone she needs to concentrate on school etc. I need to check her phone more often if she's going to lie to me too. All I get is everyone does it! Hmm like everyone has an iPhone X

Do everything in your power to stop it. We have been and are still going through the mill with my son - 2 years now and he is 18. Changed him completely - caused mental issues - gone from most loving intelligent person with whole future in front of him who wanted to go nto journalism - to a total stranger. Trashed his room - pulled a knife on my husband - threatened to ´hurt’ me so many times. Stood on outside upstairs window ledge shouting and swearing at me.... far too many things. Dropped out of school - no prospects whatsoever. Refuses any help. Been through courts for help etc - all useless.

DS 16 has been smoking for a couple of years. As Kareninfrance said, its horrendous. He has ASD too so he is self medicating and also desperate to fit in. Last night he pushed me, went to hit me but luckily his Dad got to him in time, who he then punched in the face. all because I refused to give him more cash.

We are trying to get more help from CAMHS for his crippling anxiety-weed helps him relax. I've told them we are at crisis point now, which we are. I simply cannot have him around his 11 year old sister when he is like this. It's taking its toll on us

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. Be kind to yourselves so you are there for them when they eventually do see sense.

Its so hard to know what to do in these situations and heartbreaking to see them doing so much damage to themselves. You have made me doubly determined to stop it. I'm also sick of hearing everyone does it - I imagine its happening more than it did in my day but its surely still only a minority that do it?