13 year old son afraid of going on holiday with dad

[Lweji]

Short version:
Divorce through DV, DS was witness (at 5 years of age) to assault and threatening behaviour during supervised contact by me, which was soon cancelled.
Contact mostly through Skype. Occasional visits for a few hours, as he lives in the UK and we don't.
Because of threats and behaviour, including via Skype, I haven't allowed any holidays with dad until recently, but I think now it would be ok, as he's 13 and fairly independent.
It was all dependent on a court case that has dragged until earlier this year. Final decision including holidays with dad, which I had told the judge I'd be ok with at this age (from 12 or so). This after almost a year of DS refusing to talk to his dad on Skype.

The issue is that dad has suddenly sprung on us a request to take DS on holiday (in our country) with a 10 day notice and no previous discussion with DS, apparently, as I don't listen to their Skype conversations.
I'm happy with what DS agrees to and told them both that.

The problem is that DS doesn't want to go. He's afraid of being alone with his dad.
We had talked about going to the UK earlier in the holidays and him spending some time with dad, but he refused.
As I tried to discuss it now with him, and gently encouraging him to go, he got stressed. He got in tears for dropping a bit of ice cream he was eating, which is unusual of him.

I expect dad won't react well if he says no. He won't ask questions and I think he's also very worried about saying no.

Any suggestions? I actually think it would be good for him to go and spend some time with extended family, and it will probably be safe.
But it feels like DS has some form of emotional block, or post-traumatic stress problem.

Not sure how to help him overcome it, and not sure I want to be responsible for getting professional help for him, as it relates to one issue and I feel his dad should address it.

Should I contact his dad directly and instruct him on how to address DS's concerns?
Because DS won't.

Should we make an excuse based on the short notice and previous commitments?

DS is scheduled to talk to dad today and he'll expect an answer.

it will probably be safe.

probably??? Not good enough. If you are not 100 per cent sure your DS will be safe from his father then he doesn't go and you fight tooth and nail to stop it.

It's his father's job to rebuild trust if he wants his son to go on holiday with him. That does not include springing things on him with no discussion and 10 days notice. It also sounds as if the only access is by skype? Then it is inappropriate to leap from there to a holiday. Short face to face visits first -- if your DS is up for them.

The problem is that DS doesn't want to go.

I am quite confused by your post. You say he doesn't want to go. You say he is afraid of his father (and it doesn't sound as if he has any reason not to be afraid) You said you would go with what your son wants. Yet you also say you are encouraging him to go. Well either you are going to respect what DS wants or you aren't.

So did you ask him what he wants to do, telling him that yes and no answers are equally acceptable to you? Did he explicitly say no? If your son doesn't want to go on holiday with his father then stand up for him. Get more legal advice if the courts will hassle you.

What professional psychological support have you had for your DS? You getting help for your DS to address this "one issue" might also lead to a professional finding out whether it is a good idea for his father to see him or not. And some objective support to refuse access if the answer is no.

gently encouraging him to go

Why? Who protects this poor kid from this violent man?

DS is scheduled to talk to dad today and he'll expect an answer.

What your ex expects is not the most important thing. If your DS needs more time to think then he needs more time to think and a decent father would accept that. It sounds as if you are still under the thumb of your abuser.

I expect dad won't react well if he says no.

Then you son has good reason to be afraid because his father wants his own way no matter how his son feels.

Not sure how to help him overcome it,

Having his mother stand up for him is the first strategy to overcome fear. If he sees you roll over because you are afraid that's hardly going to reassure him.

Don't make him go if he is scared. Sounds like his dad created this situation so it's his own fault. What's his Dad going to do?

Thanks for your replies.
Although you do make some good points, Kleinzeit, it would be more helpful if you had read my OP more carefully.

I am 100% behind DS. We've talked about it a bit more and he seems confident in telling his dad that he isn't going, although the conversation was emotional again.
The last few face-to face visits have gone well, with no problems. Even when we met at the time of his criminal court appearance, it was fine, although his mother also came with him. As far as I can tell, the Skype conversations have gone well.

Of course, due to the past, I can't guarantee that everything would be ok.
We'll see how it goes tonight. Fingers crossed he'll respect, DS's decision.

Why doesn't Dad come to your country, stay close by and take son out each day to build the relationship? That way son sees Dad in person, but has the safety of going home each night/knowing he can get home. If that all goes well, then maybe DS might be open to going away with Dad.

Seems like the ex is calling all the shots here. Why?

Hi Lweji, sorry if I was too harsh, I did read your OP very carefully and I was still confused by it. I am very glad you are 100 per cent behind DS.

Hope things go well later today

Ds needs to be in control of the pace of the relationship with his df. If df can't accept that he can fuck off.
Imo.

Thanks, Kleinzeit.

TBH, it's in nobody's interest that he comes and lives here, although it would be too long to explain, but part of it is that the bulk of his close family is in the UK.

Ex is definitely not calling any shots. :) He does have a court decision that DS should/could spend some holidays with his dad.
And I do think DS is more afraid than he needs to be, but it's different when you are still effectively a child and feel that adults are stronger and in control. That is why I give him my opinion, but also tell him that I'll stick up for what he wants.

But I find it sad that he is still afraid of his dad, although I feel that he would love to have a good relationship with him.

At 13 your ds's contact with his father should be up to him.

If he doesn't want to go then he doesn't go.

Would your son go if his dad's mother was there too?