My daughter has been on a journey of self discovery ever since starting high school.
I've had a very close relationship with my daughter from the very start. Her mum suffered from severe post natal depression resulting in being hospitalized when she was 3mths old. Supporting her mum through this terrible time strengthened our friendship but cost us our intimacy.
My relationship with my daughter's mum ended when she was 4, but we remained friends.
My daughter spent most of the next 6yrs with me, by arrangement. I got a 2 bed house so she had her own room. I got shift work so i could work while she was at school or with her mum. I made sure she went to the same primary school at great cost in money and time, even though neither myself nor her mum lived near anymore. I believe consistancy is very important for young children, and having lost it in the home, I preserved it in her scholastic life.
When she was 10, her mum fell in love and decided to move to her new love's city.
Both mother and daughter asked me if I would be okay with her going too.
Of course I said yes.
With the proviso that daughter would come back if it didn't work out.
Over the next 3yrs, my daughter's behaviour deteriorated to the point her mum was scared of her as she's 5' 10" (she takes after my frame, 6' 3"). So, mum asked if I would take her in as she was "out of control". I agreed, of course, and things settled very quickly. Her happiest summer for ages, her words.
New school, (part of the problem), new house and my new partner.
We got along well. Then she announced she was a lesbian. Which wasn't a surprise.
She seemed happier than ever having "come out". I was supportive and having done some research, and discussed with forum on living with a LBGT child, continued to act as normal. We talked, and talked and found out about her not being happy from day one after the move with her mum.
We reinstated family time, waching films together. Eating out at our favourite restaurants. Playing board games. Making crafts together. The three of us, daughter, dad, step mum, found out we liked each other.
Same house rules, (being ignored). Same chores, (not getting done). Same pocket money, (not getting earned). Small stuff, boundary pushing. Normal kid stuff.
Then she started cutting, a different thread all by itself, which is worrying. Especially when experts and doctors say you can't really help because it's an attempt to regain perceived lost control.
Then it happened, a suicide attempt!!
She took some of my medication.
I suffer from Lupus. Another thread all by itself.
So off to A&E. Onto a ward. Waiting for psychological evaluation. She didn't want to talk, didn't know what would help, but nothing was given a chance. She got offered counselling but didn't engage. So it was a complete washout. We were told "She's totally normal" and not a danger to herself or others. What about the cutting say I? What about the suicide attempt say I? What about the innate anger say I?
No answers.
So back to self help books, research and forums. Talk, talk and more talk. A lot of it one way. Whole weeks with not a word from her mouth.
Then out of the blue. She announced on facebook, in the form of a letter, that she's a he. He's always felt "wrong".
Wrong body, wrong thoughts, wrong everything! But as a boy, it all makes sense.
So, more research, more books, more experts, more forums, more talking, more anger.
But it felt weird. There was no sense of relief. No "snap" as things fell into place.
No release of built up tension.
If anything, he got more angry. More introverted. Nothing helped.
He started telling lies, stealing, breaking things. Cutting clothes, curtains and bedding instead of himself. Taking small things, breaking them and hiding the bits. Or dismantling things to get a sharp edge to cut with. I've had to put locks on doors that have never been locked. Baby proofing a house for an angry 16yrs old is shocking. Locking the cleaning cupboard so he can't use the iron, or cleaning sprays to hurt himself.
Then it got worse, he attacked me! Out of frustration at my continued support and love I believe. He wants, no needs someone to hate. Someone who's fault all this is.
I had to restrain him. Stop him from hurting me or himself. Stop him headbutting me and knee me in the privates.
The situation scared my partner, who now doesn't feel safe being on her own with my son.
He seems to be daring me to kick him out. He wants something to be angry about, and supportive family and a nice home just don't cut it. It's like living with Jeckle and Hyde. He's sweetness and light when there are quests round, then they leave and it's back to monosylibic grunts.
I've caught him going through my pockets of my jacket. He steals from my money jar. I have to keep my DIY tools, medication and money under lock and key.
I've been a good example of a man, I believe. Kind, caring, supportive and dependable. So I don't know where he got his idea that being a man means being a bit of a dick.
So, now I'm at a crossroads, keep trying or kick him out. His mum and me never married. I didn't take his mum to court for custody. I don't have parental responsibility.
I'm left with the question, is it all a sham?
Is the transsexual situation just an excuse for antisocial behaviour?
And biggest of all, who's future takes precedence? His or mine? If he stays, my partner will leave.
If he goes, he'll never go to college or uni. As he'll have to move back to his mum's house for the foreseeable future.
Any chance anyone has the answer?
Frustrated but hopefully.
MrRex666