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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I’ve failed as a parent

12 replies

susanyoung1969 · 13/08/2018 23:17

I have 3 children, 21 (living away), 20 and 16. Every one of them sees me as a bank, chauffeur, cleaner etc. Nothing unusual. But I’m on the bottom. Not one of them does anything for me, ever, their rooms are a health hazard, the youngest daughter just buys new clothes rather than getting any washed, her bedroom floor is covered in lovely clothes. None of them will get washed or clean their teeth when I ask them, the youngest doesn’t even brush her hair, they’re dirty and horrible to me. I know you’ll say ‘be more assertive or be kinder’ but I’ve done it all. The shouting, removing priveidges, grounding, positive reinforcement, charts with rewards, charts with removals, crying, etc etc. They hate to see me sad and frustrated but not enough to actually do anything to help me. (Single mother working full time in own very stressful business) Please please give me your advice. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
susanyoung1969 · 13/08/2018 23:26

Ps, the daughters 21 and 16 are severely depressed and ones in therapy, the youngest refuses and the 20 yr old son is autistic and has learning difficulties and mild cerebral palsy. I want to run away

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2018 23:27

What a horrible situation to be in! I would say the 20 year old is old enough to go and live away from home, and look after him/her self. The 16 year old - I would ignore her entirely. It's her room - if she wants to live in a pigsty, let her! Where does she get the money for all these new clothes! Not from you, I hope? If so, stop it! Stop giving lifts! Stop giving them money! If they're horrible, walk away. And you shouldn't be reminding them about cleaning teeth and washing! (They're adults - even the 16 yo is old enough to get married). You are enabling them, OP, so just stop. Tell them choices have consequences, and they may not like the

Notquitegrownup2 · 13/08/2018 23:29

Oh bless you. No expertise or real advice, but didn't want to read and run. This really is the hardest age, isn't it, when they are too old to parent, but you still long to look after them.

Offering a hand to hold and a cup of tea, until someone wiser or more experienced comes along.

Singlenotsingle · 13/08/2018 23:30

I've just read your last paragraph, OP, but I don't really think it would change my advice. It'll be interesting to see what other people would do...

Original poster
susanyoung1969 · 13/08/2018 23:50

Thank you both for replying! Honestly crying my eyes out right now. Notsosingle you've totally echoed what my boyfriend (of 6 happy years yet we don't live together for the kids sake) says. You sound very wise and to be honest this sounds like the way to go. They pick up the phone for money or w lift yet if I ask ( as this evening) to open the door to let the cat out it's a dirty look! I'll do this, thank you 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
susanyoung1969 · 13/08/2018 23:52

Singlenotsingle sorry got your name wrong 😬

OP posts:
maxbabi · 14/08/2018 00:07

I hear you I hear you. I am in a similar situation 2 kids (18 and 13) single parent working long hours. I am in constant pain as I am waiting for a hip replacement. My kids don't give a shit but my mate reminded me of what we were like as teens. I didn't care about my mum she was a taxi someone to cook and clean for me. It sort of gave me some peace about it. If my son won't bring his dirty clothes downstairs for me to wash then they stay on his floor. I have made myself let it go. My dd battled depression too. It's been hell.
Cry and let it out. Be kind to yourself and be selfish. Do stuff you want to do. Breathe just breathe.

maxbabi · 14/08/2018 00:09

And you are not a failed parent

Singlenotsingle · 14/08/2018 07:01

Well done, OP. Now stick with that decision and carry it through. It won't be easy, there will be tantrums, but none of them are children any more and they aren't stupid, or physically incapable, are they? Just lazy. Good luck x

mrsjackrussell · 14/08/2018 07:22

Really feel for you. My teens are the same and I do a lot for them like lifts everywhere.
Stop doing stuff for them if they won't do anything for you.
I think the other issues like rooms and not cleaning teeth is their issue. They're old enough. If they want to be anti social and have smelly breath make it their responsibility. I think that the fact they have stuff going on is irrelevant.

Sarahandduck18 · 14/08/2018 07:29

What you have described is verging in normal for teens and is certainly typical for someone with depression.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

A messy room never killed anyone.

Is the depression getting treated?

How capable is your ds?

Is the 16yo at school, how are they doing there?

DaphneduM · 14/08/2018 07:38

We've all been desperate with our teens. Those years are very difficult. My daughter (late 20's now) apologised the other day, saying how awful she was to me. She also sabotaged herself by not working at college, frequent absences etc. As others have said, ignore the small stuff, shut the door on their rooms and their laundry is their problem. Depression is also common in teens. Hang on in there, look after yourself and your needs, it will pass.

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