18 year old son bullies me

[Roqueen]

Backed up by his twin brother, my 18 year old son screams in my face, squares up to me in a domineering way, shouts swears, says horrible nasty things that make me cry, he's a nasty vicious bully to me. My kids lost their dad suddenly 22 months ago. I know he's angry but he won't have counselling. I fought hard for a young persons worker to help the boys and he refuses the help. My 14 yr old dd would be broken-hearted if i asked him to leave and i don't want to give up on him either, but it's making me ill living under this stress. Neither boys help much, this one works part time pot washing in the local pub for pennies, the other has been in his room 2 years. I'm broke now tax credit and maintenance have stopped. How do i get them moving to work and contribute? i've tried being reasonable, i've tried threats, nothing works. They have no where else to go. I've just completed 12 weeks of counselling which got me no answers

Blimey that sounds really awful, I'm not sure there are any easy answers in this scenario.

I would however tell your son (when you are both calm) that you will not tolerate that behaviour anymore and if it continues he will have to leave.

I think tough love, it's not fair that he is taking his anger out on you.

Do you give them money? Pay for their phones? Buy them food/clothes?

I would start with clamping down on all of that until their behavior improves.

What were they like during their early teens? How did they do at school? Do they have friends?
I understand that there has been a massive bereavement, but is this behaviour different from before?

Do you have a male relative (grandparent or uncle) who could spend some time with the boys and talk to them. Eighteen is a tough age without dealing with bereavement. I feel for you OP.

I think you might need to consider asking home to leave. It's not fair on you or your 14 to live in that environment.

You need to sit down and have a good think about exactly what you expect of him and what you want to happen if he continues to behave so appallingly. I'd write it all down. You need to be as pragmatic as possible. Don't just let this drift and don't put up with it because of his fathers death.

My son is 18 yr old and he has adhd n anxiety and he bullies me calls me names when he rings and with people he’s nasty threatens to smash stuff he makes me so sad n horrible about my self where I don’t wanna be here I tried to kick him out but threatens to smash my windows if I phone police social services come out and I don’t want them to it’s just me he’s nasty to ,what do I do I’ve no support

They absolutely cannot stay. Your dd cannot be a witness to such behaviour aimed at her mother. This is a form of abuse.

I would even look into moving to new accommodation just for you and your daughter. I would contact a women’s refuge and explore options with them

@Kellym19 I'm really sorry you are going through this.
This thread is 4 years old and people often don't notice so you're going to get lots of people replying to a post from 4 years ago!
Can I suggest you start your own post because there's a lot of support and advice people here will be able to give you but you might not get seen on this post.

I am so sorry that you are enduring this.

What are the 18 year olds living on? Are you bankrolling them in the main - apart from a bit of pot-washing. Any money you are giving them must be dependent on proper decent behaviour.

I know this is your son rather than your husband but this still qualifies as domestic violence and it is not inappropriate to talk to Womens Aid, or use this helpline: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I am so sorry that you have this to contend with as well as bereavement - my heart goes out to you.

Tough situation but you can't let that carry on. He is 18 and can move out, so what if you asked him to do family therapy and if he can't agree then he has to go, since you could be in danger and you need to parent your youngest.

Have a family meeting. You wouldn't be kicking him out, but putting a condition on him staying, as he is now an adult and you have no obligation to house him - obviously don't put it like that. Frame it around the younger child's safety - they need a competent mother and you can't be that when you are under threat of abuse.