It gets worse. DS(15) now facing external exclusion for stealing

[evenhope]

Last month I posted that DS (Y10) wasn't doing his homework/ coursework and I was getting calls from teachers. www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=692&threadid=325709&stamp=070519084539

Today I've had a call from the Deputy Head to say that DS and 2 other boys took 2 bass guitars from the music room. Apparently they gave them all chance to own up but he didn't and was dobbed in by some other boys. The other 2 then admitted it but he hung on still saying he hadn't done it, until they asked him "if the Police went to your house would they find the guitar?" and he had to admit it. They want us at school on Monday at 10am and say he's facing "a few days" external exclusion.

The teacher was surprised DS hadn't mentioned it because apparently he was very upset (I bet he was ) DH picked him up from school and said nothing to me. DS has a guitar of his own so I wouldn't have noticed a different one (unless both were together).

I haven't spoken to DS about it yet so he doesn't know I know. How do I sort this one out? I am at a total loss what to do with him. I've never been able to see the point of exclusion- a few extra days holiday sounds more like a reward. As DS2 said to me, an internal exclusion would be far more effective and very boring. Obviously I will support the school in any action they see fit but this on top of the lack of work seems like the start of the slippery slope.

What would you say to him and how would you punish him, bearing in mind he doesn't go out and gets no pocket money? Is this possibly a reaction to the new baby?

evenhope I am a teenager and my sister was just like this, not quite as bad a stealing but just generally causing a nusciance. She was excluded for taking alcohol into school and gradually she became better and better, now she is a very nice person.... just to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Firstly speak to your DS and focus on the stealing being wrong, the lying and that you are dissapointed. tey not to drag other issues in and a much as you can keep your voice low. Ask him why he did it. he might be crying out for attention as you mention a newbaby, does he get involved with the baby or anything?

Does he haave anything he is really passionate about? that he could divert his attention to, this worked with my sister and sailing.

Last of all good luck, there is light and he will turn out to be a great lad.

Thanks Pen, that is some reassurance at least. He didn't approve of our having another baby and won't get involved with her, but that seems too simplistic.

How worrying for you all.
Will your DS be at the meeting with you and the school.
You say he doesn't approve of you having another baby - what are his concerns about that?

evenhope, dissaproving of a new baby may be what he is not happy about so has hit back at you all. It sounds simplistic but he is probably crying out for attention and realises he doesnt have the control he once had.

What are the circumstances aurrounding the baby? was your ds an only child before?

pen, you are an amazing teenager!

Exclusion is the easy way out. I have had personal experience with my own son. It is an easy option for school.
Keep talking to him.

Pen, he was the youngest of 4 very close together. Having said that, his life really hasn't changed because of the baby. He was already not wanting to do stuff with us before that.

DH has spoken to him and says it's a misunderstanding. I think DH is actually being very naive. I'm worried about this meeting because all 3 boys and their parents have been invited. I'm under no illusions that my "perfect son was led astray by others" but I'm betting at least one of the parents will try that one.

even hope, you have all my sympathy over this one. It must be very hard for you.

I would deffinatly consider the possibility that the arrival of the baby is 'tipping ' him a little. I've seen this a lot in some on the teenagers that I teach. It isn't that the kds are bad, that they will not love the baby even. But teenage years are hard to deal with, and even the slightest upset can tip them off course. And can make a small problem a little larger.

Not that this is the babies 'fault' either But I do think that you need to factor it into your plans of how to deal with this, making sure that your ds is reasured and feels secure.

Have you had a chat with the school and what do they sugest happens? Key to dealing with this atm is that your ds feels supported, but also that he knows that you and the school are working together and that he can't play one against the other. Your DH also needs to be singing from the same hymn sheet IYSWIM

He was probably always the 'baby' and treated differently to the others even though you may not realise, but now he isnt the baby as you have a new one. I dont think its a misunderstanding but he is crying out for something. Especially as being a teenager is no easy ride, as I'm sure you know!

When you meet the school make sure you are all in agreement over how to deal with this, if you think external exclusion wont work, say so. Also have you had any thought about punishing him at home?

and like MB says make sure you and your husband are singing off the same hymn sheet, this will confuse your ds more.

evenhope how did the meeting go?

Only just seen this thread and your previous one. He sounds a lot like my DS I have to say.

I did let DS get away with a lot really. I trusted him to be responsible for getting course work in etc.

My DS is the baby of the family. He is 5 years younger than DD. I suppose I've 'babied' him a bit too over the years.

Anyway... things seem sorted now, but I've had some heart stopping moments. The key thing was to keep the school informed and they you. I got into the habit of emailing the head of year at least twice a week, and always on a Monday morning.

Perhaps the guitar stealing incident and its fallout will be a jolt he needs to get him back on track. Have you asked him what the hell he was thinking of, pulling a stunt like this? I found getting very angry and scary worked... he started crying and I got the 'sorry, sorry, sorry mum' stuff. Doesn't have the desired effect if you do it too much though.

The meeting went OK, thanks for asking. It was just us and the Head- we saw one of the other families going out as we went in. DS visibly trembled in front of the Head and was full of apologies. He has obviously realised it wasn't clever. He has been excluded for five days. Lucky I'm on Maternity Leave or I'd have lost a week's Leave and his life wouldn't have been worth living.

Only problem now is he says guitar had no strings or electrics- Head rang to say music teacher says it had a plug and the strings. I can hardly call the teacher a liar but DS is adamant. I'll replace the strings if need be but I don't know what to believe now.

WRT the strings- say to him fine you believe him, but he'll have to take it up with the music teacher and either talk to him to explain there were no strings, and/or replace the missing parts. If he acts hard done by at not being believed I guess you just say that yes its a shame, but his actions make it difficult for people who don't know him and don't know he is a good kid yada yada to believe him. That might be a bit patronising for a teenager, so may nee dto be rephrased but that message would be a good one to learn I think.

Good luck- I suspect the baby is the problem- the youngest of 4 makes it a big change iyswim after 15 years. DS3 is only 2, but revels in being the baby of the family- I can imagine already his nose would be out of joint if we had another.....