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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Ds1 ignores ds2 and I need to say something

6 replies

ssd · 03/08/2018 00:24

I dont honestly know what a normal sibling relationship is like. I grew up with older siblings who had moved out and married before I was 10, so I grew up like an only child. Therefor I sort of imagine a sibling close in age of the same gender would be a friend, or at least someone to argue with. But ds1 hardly talks to ds2, I mean hardly talks. They are 20 and 17, not babies. They have sport in common, went to same school etc. But they hardly talk. No big falling out. Different personalities but nothing I'd say major. I know ds2 would like to be closer, have more of a relationship, hes mentioned it to me a few times over the years. But ds1 hardly notices him, hardly communicates. TBH it absolutely kills me. I have older siblings who utterly ignore me, they live abroad, me and my family may was well not exist to them. And I feel this is how ds1 treats ds2. TBH ds1 isnt great at communicating to us, mostly conversations are instigated by me or dh. We accept ds1 just isnt a chatter and keeps very much to himself. But his brother would like a brother who even talks to him once a day even. Its that bad.

I've tried to discuss it with ds1 but he looks at me blankly. But at 20 hes too bloody old to be hurting his brothers feelings and not be told.

please can anyone advise me what to say, or if I should say something at all?

I dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
ssd · 03/08/2018 00:39

I know it might sound like I expect them to get on like a house on fire and I dont, I'm not daft. But most of my friends with teen have teens that argue, shout, chat, laugh, annoy each other, basically have a relationship, even a fiery shouty one. But my 2 have a silent totally ignoring one, I mean no talk at all. Ds2 said if he had an younger brother he'd talk to him, thats all he wants, a brother to talk to him. He tries to talk to ds1 but gives up. If it bothered ds2 less I'd let it go but it bothers him. And we have no other family apart from us 4, I mean no other family at all.

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BackforGood · 03/08/2018 00:53

I think if they've got to 20 and 17 being like this they aren't (he isn't?) going to change now. You said that you and dh accept that is just the way he is, I think your ds2 needs to too.
It could be worse - they could be at complete odds with each other.

losingmymindiam · 03/08/2018 01:14

Have they always been like this - even when little? I can see how this would be hard but I envy you a little as mine have a relationship but it is either being ridiculously silly and immature and loud together which is really irritating to live with, or they bicker constantly trying to outdo and compete. I agree if they have always been like this, it's unlikely to change.

Jackyjill6 · 03/08/2018 06:09

Do they have friends who they connect with?

ssd · 03/08/2018 11:00

yes they've both got a good social life, ds1 has a long term girlfriend too

both doing well at uni/school, both decent young men

I just wish ds1 would connect more

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Whalebird · 03/08/2018 11:05

That does sound hard, but I do know whenever I'm pushed to 'connect', even very subtly, I clam up. I can't bear neediness, even from people who have a very reasonable claim to my affection (close family)-it's like social anthrax and I just find I have nothing to say. 20 is too old for you to be intervening in his relationships-don't do it-and too young for the perspective it will take to really value family. You all, DS2 included, just need to accept DS1 for who he is, not who you want him to be.

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