Sexting :(

[yellowcarhistory]

So found out today from a friend of mine that DS (15) has apparently been 'sexting' her daughter.
Am absolutely mortified, apparently he has been sending snapchats.
What do I do? Talk to him about it (obviously) but what shall I say, should I ban snapchat? Take his phone off him? Is that over reacting. No idea what to do about this, he is my first and only DS so never experienced this. HELP!
(Will obviously speak to DH but currently away on business!)

Sorry, I haven’t got much of a clue but this from MN might help.

Thanks goodness your DF told you.

Thank you... I did actually find that after posting yesterday! But it is more what to do if your child has come to you with it - which mine definitely HASN'T.

Is it wimpy to wait till DH is home so we can speak to him together?
I hoped more people would have experience with it on here !!

Just remember (and its not a popular view on here) that he may not have been the one to initiate it.

Does a 15 yo sending nudes constitutionally as making and sharing child porn? If so, I would explain to him that he could end up on the sex offenders register and what that means for the future in terms of work, relationships etc...

I do think it is difficult for teens now, we didn't have the technology to do this at that age (and I am only 30) but there were still inappropriate texts exchanged everywhere and I remember the boys at school having porn on their phones.

I dread this when DS gets older, I think that sitting him down, explaining consequences and that he should have more respect for himself and women in the way forward. I wouldn't ban snapchat or take the phone as I think you'll socially exclude him and that could be worse, but talking to him respectfully about respect would be my first step. Although am not a parent of a horny teenage boy yet and only you know if that will work with your son.

Agree with Boney..... as teenage girls, my group and I were quite easily able yo manipulate the boys into things too so it isn't all necessarily his fault. Her DD was probably just caught and threw him under the bus.

Thanks for this, really appreciate people replying just so I don't feel so alone with it.

You are right it probably wasn't just him (hopefully). I couldn't bare to ask all the details but DF just said that he has apparently been sending messages and pictures on snapchat. She said her DD wasn't upset about it (more embarrassed) but DF obviously wanted to let me know so I could talk to him. Bloody hell!

Yes I think I do need to sit him down and talk about having respect and how the images can get shared etc... although I am sure he has learnt all this at school. Can't believe he's done this!!!

I had exactly the same situation with my DS a few years ago OP. Try and stay calm, although it's not right, sexting is very common amongst teens and they consider it to be normal behaviour. I think the worst thing you can do is go in all guns blazing. I sat down with my son and had a conversation about it. Told him what my friend had said, and discussed how it made her daughter feel, and talked about respect and boundaries, etc. He said he was really sorry and apologised to the girl.

Ok let’s be more realistic. Plenty of 15years olds have a very real interest in sex. Sexting etc is a very common activity. I’m in my mid 30s and I thank god that the technology didn’t exist when I was that age to the extent it does now.

Yes you need to have a word with him but honestly, you can’t believe he has done it? Really? I had a boyfriend at 15 and we used to send mucky messages on my Nokia 3310. Girls are just as bad as boys.

Tell him he needs to reign it in and be sensible about such things. Explain the criminal aspect. But don’t think he is a terrible teen.

@VioletCharlotte

Thank you so much, this really makes me feel better. Need to talk to him, but just wondering whether to wait until DH comes home. Did you speak to him alone or with DP?

@Idont

You are right, I think I am over reacting. It was the way DF sprung it upon me, I was just really shocked. But when I think of it, it is not unusual teenage behaviour, and I guess I could have expected he might be sending some risky stuff, I just hadn't really thought about him sending proper nudes. However, not sure what exactly the pictures were as she wasn't explicit, so might not even be that bad.

And I don't think he is a terrible teen at all, just a bit of a horny teenager as someone described above, which is difficult to come to terms with sometimes, but yes, realistically, this could be worse.

Thank you x

My ds is 15 and I think if I was in your situation I would speak to him straight away rather than waiting for your husband to return.

He will be mortified of course but hopefully that's a good thing as he will realise that photos do not always remain private and that the girls mum knows ( not sure if she has seen them too? ) and as he is not in a relationship at this point it would be wise to refrain from sending inappropriate pics.

Ds and I have a very close relationship and he tells me a lot about what goes on with his friends. I know who has lost their virginity ( wish I didn't know that ) and that one of their friends had pictures of his genitals sent around the school after sending it to the wrong person.
He is clearly a normal 15 year old boy who is full of hormones and this incident will serve him well for the future.

Good luck op

@Zoflora

Thank you, again this is reassuring.

DS and I are close generally but goes day by day/week by week. We used to be closer but he is going through a proper teenage phase at the moment and sometimes really sweet and wants to spend time together then goes days/weeks wanting to be out with mates/girls and not wanting much to do with me - I figure that's pretty normal.

He has never been rude when I have tried to speak to him about stuff and totally respects boundaries which are set so I am sure he will be willing to chat but as you say, mortified when I bring this up!

It sounds as though your DS is behaving absolutely normally for someone his age. Times are different and this is just (sadly) relatively normal for teens now. Of course stress the importance of being safe to him and the implications that can come along with sending things like this. My advice would be to tell him to only send pictures he would be happy with the whole school seeing, teens can be malicious and if he sends this to the wrong person it could very quickly get sent around.

I hear you :) sometimes mine will come and cuddle me and other times he snarls if I walk in his room and interrupt something extremely very important on Fortnite

You know your ds best. Approach it as you normally would have a char with him and be direct. He is more likely to open up to you that way.

Ds is my only boy and my oldest ( I have a dd who is 7 ) and it's all a bit trial and error. He asks me things sometimes that I can't answer, seeing as I've never had male parts!
He is much more open to me than his dad and I'm forever telling him to ask his dad about things as he's been a 15 year old boy himself but no, he would rather speak to me.

I think that ds has possibly done this too and wouldn't be surprised. It's a sign of the times.
Taking his phone away will only antagonise things in my opinion and he needs to be trusted going forward.

It's scary being the parent of a teenage boy isn't it? I'm hoping ds can wait until he finishes year 11 next summer before getting a girlfriend as I couldn't cope with all of the drama.

@yellowcarhistory
I'm a single Mum so I spoke to him alone. Not sure what's best? I guess it depends on whether you and DH will agree on how best to approach it? He may be less defensive if just one of you speak to him. Does he have a good relationship with his Dad?

@Zoflora

Glad we are in the same boat!
DS has an older sister (never had this though - and I can't really imagine her doing it!) and younger sister, but he is the most outgoing of them.
Some days I wish he would go back to being all cute and innocent but then I feel bad because by enlarge he is a happy, sociable teen with lots of friends and things could be so much worse!
He hasn't had a proper girlfriend (AFAIK) but has had a couple of girl "friends" who I have wondered about... I guess we have all that excitement to come!

@VioletteCharlotte
Haven't spoken to DH yet as didn't really want to put it over text or on the phone, but I am sure he will agree, although I can imagine he will panic less than me tbh!
Yes they have a good relationship, DS plays football as does DH so they do a lot of sporting things together, I might speak to DS first then get DH to do a bit too... sitting him down together might be a bit awkward, he will feel like he's really in the dog house!