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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Moving with a teenager

16 replies

Janie68 · 01/08/2018 06:55

Can anyone help me please, we are planning to relocate 300 miles away to have a better family life, more money etc, our 13 was fine until we went to visit the school and after she had a meltdown and is now saying she hated the school and won’t make any friends and doesn’t want to go etc etc, we are totally torn as want to move badly but worry that this is a bad time in her life, we thought now or never with options next year
She’s a total wreck about it and I’ve taken her to counselling but it hasn’t really helped. Do we stay or go?! Thanks.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 01/08/2018 17:01

Personally a 13 year old child doesn’t dictate family life.

ragged · 01/08/2018 17:38

Sometimes you have to take a risk.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/08/2018 17:40

I think 13 is too young to dictate life for the rest of the family. Can you look at other schools?

Original poster

Janie68 · 08/08/2018 13:51

Thanks, we have looked at another school but I don’t think that helped, appreciate your responses though, I think I’d feel the same but when you actually see how bad she is it breaks your heart and you do wonder if it’s a good idea, don’t want to ruin her life! Though obviously it could all work out but an unhappy teen makes life hard for everyone and I am worried about her mental health.

OP posts:

carbuckety · 08/08/2018 13:58

13 is a very tough age. my dsd moved early into year 9 and floundered that first year but found her feet year 10. She found it hard to understand the difference in attitudes and culture ( moving from multicultural area to almost 100% white) and in having to be driven everywhere because everything was so far away ( rural area). The move was because her mum had to move for work. We followed a year later because we wanted to retain joint custody and my year 4 daughter struggled for the rest of school. She never settled in the new area at all.

It's nit aneasy decision to make. She shouldn't 'dictate' but obviously you care for her and her MH is very important. I wish the move for us had never happened. It was awful trying to support the kids while so unhappy. I wouldn't move again in the circumstances but sometimes there is no choice

LSNHL · 08/08/2018 20:45

I’m going through the same with my 14 yr old son , we are having to relocate to Norwich and he is refusing to go ,im at my wits end as can’t physically drag him lol so some advice would be very appreciated x

NC4Now · 08/08/2018 20:50

At this age they want familiarity. It doesn’t mean that is best for them in the long run.
Sometimes in life, change has to happen, and learning to deal with that is part of growing up and building resilience.
Short term pain for long term gain.
It seems hard now but you can’t change your plans because your teenager is having a wobble. She’s bound to.

carbuckety · 09/08/2018 13:17

LSNHL it's very hard. Norwich though is an awesome city and I think he will find lots to do which may help him settle in. I think allowing some choice and if you can afford it, get him in some groups and activities as soon as he wants ( no idea what he's interested in).

LSNHL · 09/08/2018 13:49

Thankyou , I love norwich and the area , my son has been a few times and says it’s nice , he’s into football so will be getting him joined up soon as lol and likes his mountain bike I know it will be good for him as he’s getting into a wrong crowd here , thankyou

Original poster

Janie68 · 09/08/2018 14:01

Thanks Carbuckety, I really feel for you and your family, it’s so very difficult but sounds like you had to really make the move, I hope the long term future is brighter, LSNHL, as you have no choice either I guess you just need to try and make things as easy as possible, not that any of this is easy. I have found lots of advice online on how to make things easier for teens which may help you so do a search, it sounds like you are doing some of them already, I think we underestimated how important familiarity and the same school and friends is to a teen, it’s their absolute world. Heartbreaking.

OP posts:

LSNHL · 09/08/2018 14:10

Hi Janie68 ,
Without a doubt , he loves his mates and is away on holiday with them at present with his grandparents, he spends nearly every waking moment with them but he is a sociable likeable lad so would soon fit in , I’m just worried as he is adamant he is not moving 😏

Original poster

Janie68 · 09/08/2018 15:00

That’s good but same here, you actually dread the actual event as you make them move out of the only home they have known and take the long journey into the unknown, literally and figuratively. If they physically say they are not moving what do you actually do? How can you convince them it will be ok and they have to do it. I wish I knew the answer. How long have you got to try and persuade him? Ive tried all the promises of visits to friends and having them stay with us, planning new bedroom, events in the new area but nothing works. She says she’d rathet move in with friends or family than move with us, it’s that bad. Does anyone ever find this easy? I mean people move all the time surely? Never been so stressed.

OP posts:

LSNHL · 09/08/2018 15:10

That’s exactly what I’ve been doing, my partner is saying he’ll do a lads pad aswell so friends can stay and bring new friends round , we’re hoping to move anytime September /October realise it’s not good as he goes into yr 10 but think in the long term it’s better as educationally I think you learn more with maturity , my concern is getting him away from these older lads who are trying to drag him in x
I’ve been mentioning it occasionally for a few months now and every time he just says he’s not going !

Original poster

Janie68 · 09/08/2018 15:42

NC4Now, that’s exactly what the counsellor said! Thank you.
LSNHL I would try and take strength in the fact that if you stay he may get in with the bad crowd you mentioned so at least you are making a good decision for his future, I’m not so sure in my case! I think you are doing the right thing by mentioning it so it won’t be a shock and I would tell him that he will have to come with you so you all have to try and make it work. From my experience it won’t help but that’s all you can do and hope he comes around by the move time. Sounds like you are all trying hard to please him with the new place, truthfully though if we were moving into the Ritz my DD would rather stay put. It’s so so hard and has made me doubt everything.

OP posts:

NC4Now · 09/08/2018 16:34

My DS insisted he wasn’t moving. I had to just keep talking as if it was happening and not falter. There wasn’t an option in our situation.
It was really hard and quite heartbreaking at times, but we’re two months in and he’s settling. We weren’t moving as far but we were leaving his stepdad so it was really difficult for him.

Original poster

Janie68 · 09/08/2018 16:49

Thanks NC4Now, how is school going for him? I think you were very wise not to falter, I have not been good in that way and can see my mistake now, good in a way that you had to do it but obviously harder for you with stepdad situation on top of everything else. Best of luck.

OP posts:

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