Gaming addiction - navigating school holidays

[tobermoryisthebestwomble]

My ds is 15. He loves gaming. So far, so normal. During school time this may be 2-3h a day. Weekends, maybe up to 5 h. He is generally on top of homework, doing ok at school. Has a youth group one evening a week in term time only, although had opted out of several meetings and some optional activities including weekends away this year. Does chores (dishwasher, recycling daily. Tidies own room. Other chores when asked). Can cook well and enjoys baking and creating meals.

However school holidays have hit and it's all about the gaming. I talked to him about what was reasonable in advance of the holidays to set realistic expectations of how to spend his time. Week 1, he left the house (under duress) and went to the gym one day. We went for a family walk another day after work. That's it, in 7 days.
We have a chat about self regulation at the end of that week. One day he spent 10 h gaming. He would say he's made some effort not to be on all the time. I suspect when not on the console he is watching videos (probably video other people gaming) on YouTube.

I have been at work the whole time so not there to enforce rules or to dream up other activities (DH is around but works shifts so often in bed most of the day).

I am really worried that some of the 'protective factors' that stop his gaming being out of hand are stripped away during the holidays, and he seems to get no pleasure out of other activities. I tried to talk about it again this evening. He just looks past me at the screen glassy-eyed. He doesn't see this as a problem and believes he is self regulating. I disagree. His food choices have been poor (think whatever goes down the quickest so he can get back to the games) although we eat a proper home cooked meal at the table every evening. He has basically stopped practicing his instruments (formerly a great passion) and doesn't seem to listen to music anymore. He doesn't read, hates sports and won't study/ learn voluntarily, only the bare minimum required by school.

He used some phrases like 'lost the motivation' to play his instrument and alluded to gaming as he has no life outside of school. I asked if he was depressed, he said not. I feel so sad that his world is so small and believe he is missing out on so much.

Please feel free to judge me. I blame the parents and have told him that if he couldn't regulate his gaming time we would intervene. I don't want to whip him off cold turkey with no replacement but plan to implement some limitations starting tomorrow. Not even sure whether to go tough or gentle here, although I know consistency is key so have asked DH to support me in this. I'm thinking 3h tops, no games before breakfast, proper meals to be taken at the table together (ds, DD 12 and dh at least if I'm at work), no gaming after 8.30.

The hardest part will be engaging him with anything else that he doesn't see as mandatory (homework, chores). We are fortunate that money isn't an issue, DH can do stuff during the day and I'm happy to do activities/ take kids out on an evening.

Things I've offered so far gym, swimming, cricket, laser tag, climbing wall, revising, re reading core texts for GCSE all met with a polite and disengaged 'no thanks'. He has one social engagement to see a film with a friend at the weekend. Otherwise he says his friends aren't the kind of people who 'do stuff'. Obvs not true, as one friend is in cadets, another is an accomplished golfer and one plays 6 instruments proficiently.

I'm sorry this has been so long. I'm really worried that if we don't do something to change his behaviour now we'll have missed our chance and he won't have the skills to live a full, rounded and social life. Any tips for reducing tech time successfully, or for engaging teens in activities gratefully received.

Bumpin for the morning crowd

As someone who loves video games myself, I can certainly see the appeal of a long session!

However, the discussions you’ve had about self regulation are really supportive and important. He is 15 and although getting older, is still a child and will need guidance. I would suggest a break from screen time when you get home from work - have this as family time where you can all sit and have a chat/watch a film/ eat together etc.

I also think it is important to consider if he is being social through his gaming? If he is playing Fortnite, Sea of Thieves, WoW then he might be essentially hanging out with his friends whilst they interact with the game, this is where hours can build up quickly but he is at least interacting with others too.

In terms of motivation, it is important to get this balance right. It’s great that he is still doing chores, I think this needs to keep going. During his no screen time, he needs to do something structured until he gets back into a routine. This will come back naturally as he returns to school though. I would be inclined to suggest that he also gets to enjoy his school holiday.

Gaming addiction is real and it is a slippery slope, but at the moment he sounds like every other teenager I know (I am a high school teacher) and it sounds like you are doing a really good job keeping the balance.

Thanks Mosmorde, we've put new rules in place from today. He's had 3 h on the Xbox and didn't put up a fight, which makes me wonder if he knows deep down that he's been playing too much.

He has also: dismantled a trampoline we're going to give away, been for a haircut (and a Subway), cleaned out my car, made some bread rolls, and this evening I came across him making a pan of custard from scratch!

I may be falling for confirmation bias effect, but I 'think' he's happier too.

Let's watch this space.

I totally see your point that this isn't atypical for teenage boys, I just worry about where that fine line us between just fun and addiction.

Well done I think you may have managed to nip it in the bud. I am struggling with similar issues.
I am dreading DS 14 getting up today. I am off this week but have no firm plans as we are going abroad for two weeks in two weeks time. Basically he gets up immediately goes on his phone and or iPad. He takes some serious motivating and a firm reins to encourage him to have his breakfast and get dressed. Anything like please could you take the dog for a walk, feed the dog put the recycling out is met with in a minute or an angry outburst. When I am in the shower, hoovering or am out with the dog he goes on the XBOX and I am hard pushed to get him off it either for lunch, to go anywhere or to hold a convesation etc.
if the weather is bad or if we aren’t going anywhere he would be on the XBOX all day and all night. Many of his school friends are similar. I struggle to see how he is going to manage with his school work come Sept. DH is largely unsupportive and usually takes the line of least resistance (leave him alone it’s his fault if he ends up a bin man, has no friends etc etc but he does agree DS is spending too much time on the XBOX). I am not a gamer and don’t know passwords so I would need DH’s support to minimise DS’s XBOX time to 3 hours but he will no doubt substitute any time lost with time glued to his phone or iPad. DS is a bright lad and used to be very articulate and very sociable this has changed since he got XBOX livr again two months ago. He plays FORTNIGHT with lads from school.

Hi not much advice but similar situation and worries here. Last year my DS 14 was out most of summer hols meeting up with pals playing football, hanging out a local leisure centre or going shopping/cinema. This year he has been gaming every day mainly FIFA and Fortnite. We are in Scotland so holidays finishing next week and I'll be glad for him to get back to school to get off the Xbox. I tried exactly what you've done and set limits encouraraged other things which he did (sometimes grudgingly take part in). I think part of it as well is just the age they are at . Most of his friends are the same. If they are talking online they feel like they are meeting up from the comfort of their rooms. One day our wi fi went down and while he freaked out for a while I was saying to him that it was good to give his brain a break from it and he did agree and was much more chatty. It is a worry you can just see them zoning out . However I've read a few posts on this and it does seem to be really common at this age and I think Fortnite in particular is especially addictive xxxx

Yes mumontherun14 my DS was exactly the same last year he met up with a few friends and went out and did lots. This summer he’s barely seen anyone. But I was in the room yesterday when he was having an XBOX party and although I hate the gaming he was chatting away about normal things. Later on I forgot he was still on a party and I was singling along to Mama Mia loudly in the kitchen when my DD came out of the front room laughing saying DS’s friends had said I was a good singer (which they were obviously taking the mickey out of me). So their is more chat than I realised. Goodness knows how he’s going to fit any school work in unless I help him along by hiding the controllers.

My ds was like this, he’s 24 now and still like it! I never policed it, l was more relieved that l knew where he was.

He has millions of friends, 2 MA’s ( just finishing second one) and a fantastic enviable job. At 15/16/17 he was on it all the time. But it has had no noticeable bad effects on any area of his life. What it has done has created longstanding firm and close friendships. It’s not all bed!

.... bad even

Put a timer on the WiFi

Reading with interest.
Have exactly the same issues here. Plus, worse still, major fighting between Ds1 and Ds2 about who started playing fortnite at 12.01 or 12.02 or 12.03 and thus when ds2's session is due to begin.

Also reading with interest (and despair). My DS is 16 and has spent every possible day since he finished GCSEs trying to game up to 12 hours a day. He did virtually no revision at home for his GCSEs, gaming instead. Has to be nagged and nagged to eat and get dressed. Is incredibly rude when challenged in any way about it. I feel as if I’ve lost him. There is addiction in the family which is making me even more worried. Turning the WiFi off causes him to get extremely angry. I am at my wits’ end.

I expect gaming can be fun, but like most "fun" if its overdone it has a negative impact. Parents should feel able to control access. 3 hours a day is generous IMHO! I'd stick to one, tops unless its a special 'free day'!

I've set our router to block our son's laptop from the WiFi between 12 and 3, and from 8pm until 8am. You could do the same for the XBox? At least then I know that there are some hours of the day that he might eat or move!

We have a timer on the WiFi for his computer, but Dh is a computer person so knows what to do! I’ve already said to ds that when he goes into year 10 they’ll be no midweek gaming as he needs to concentrate on his gcses (he’s very capable), his musical instrument and DofE stuff which should keep him busy enough. He actually hasn’t games as much as I thought he would and has been to see friends (most of the ones he games with have been away since we got back so he’s had to find other stuff to do).

Watching with interest. Fortnite seems to be the main addiction just now. It was Minecraft not that long ago. Glad our schools are back as at least he's doing other stuff between 9-5. I still police it though and limit the time. Also he must be off all screens at 9pm and not allowed phone or anything else in bedroom.