Stuck - too young to move out? Too old to ground

[Mumchanges]

Dd 17 who I've posted about before.

Things were slightly better for a few months but honestly I think that's because I haven't been challenging her.

I'm walking on eggshells in my own home and I'm sick of it.

Latest is she's not managing her money properly and has been borrowing off me. Somehow she confused me into writing off £100 of debt. I should have had it clear in my head or not agreed to anything till I checked.

Now she's told me she's skint (just got paid!!) but her response to my suggestions of solutions/offer of help (not in giving her money I can't afford that) by way of discussing and advising was to lose temper with me.

I'm sick to back teeth of having to try and word everything I say in such a way it can't possibly be taken as a criticism. I'm not allowed to talk to her at all for at least an hour after she gets in from work. I ask her to do small favours - just the kind of thing you do for each other in a household so things run smoothly - and you'd think I'd asked for the moon on a stick!

There can easily be 2, 3 days where we don't talk at all! Not because we've had a row but just because she'll not bother even to say hello, goes straight to her room, change, straight out with friends, doesn't get back till late, straight to room again, gets her stuff ready for next day and goes to bed.

She cocks up she expects me to sort it. Losing things (keys, bank card, important paperwork) and she doesn't ask nicely but instead as if it was my cock up!! Loses stuff of mine too - it's got to where certain household items I'm having to hide in my room so she doesn't use & lose them and I'll still have eg nail clippers or pens, hell even crockery!

She works shifts but if it's an early start she can't get her arse up herself so I've taken to setting alarms so I can wake her up - cos if she sleeps in THAT is somehow my fault too!

No appreciation, no common courtesies even.

Last time I posted I was seriously considering asking her to move out. But with how she's been with her money I'm genuinely worried she'd get sacked and end up homeless.

I'm really struggling to know what to do.

I try really hard to keep my own temper too - but when I'm getting a lengthy tirade off her of how it's all my fault I don't always manage it and end up telling her to get her act together or get out. Which does nothing to improve things. My tongues nearly in half with being bitten so often!

I've spent last couple days often in tears due to her attitude.

It's just the 2 of us, dad not on scene for many years, no other support.

When pushed she'll claim stress BUT never does anything about it. This has been an issue for over 2 years and I've made appointments she's refused to go to, she won't even try anonymous helplines or forums. Won't even consider it just point blank refuses to even try them.

I just feel like I'm losing her. We used to be so close. Now I feel like we're strangers. No idea what to do.

You stay u all night in order to ensure your 17 year old daughter gets up on time to go to work? This is unsustainable. If she loses her job she will have to claim benefits.

Up

Is she unhappy because she is working and not studying? Are all her friends working or are most of them studying? Would she have liked to study longer?
It sounds like she is stressed by having to work and isn't coping with having to work at 17. She may be angry with you because she is working and you aren't. Maybe you need to focus on getting a job yourself. Why not go to the jobcentre and ask about any re-training they might know about? I think it might help your relationship with your daughter if you were working too. Also you could go and volunteer eg in a charity shop to get you back into the swing of things because you and your daughter seem to be stuck in a bad pattern.
Sorry - I am trying to think of ways to change the situation and also to make the relationship with your daughter less intense.

She dropped out of school but her friends are now finished school too and also working. None aiming for uni.

She didn't want to go to school or college. I would of supported her in any way I could to do that. She said in a recent conversation she regrets dropping out of school - it's one of the very few things I DON'T get the blame for. Because she knows I tried everything possible to help her with the problems she was having there but she refused to engage.

She's spoken vaguely about going to college and I've looking into courses and funding etc for her but then she loses interest again.

Fact is i couldn't force her to go to school or college BELIEVE me I tried all sorts!

She wants money to go out with friends buy clothes and make up etc I don't have it and even if I was working I wouldn't have it to spare and wouldn't just give her it.

I'm not anywhere near well enough to work she knows this.

To be perfectly blunt if anything her behaviour is really negatively affecting my health.

I can well imagine her carry on is directly affecting your health and you are not well enough to cope with it so you are just pandering to her but you have to stop would your CPN help you sort it out ?

If she is done with full time education she is done with being a child. Make her pay rent - at least 30% of take home pay, preferably a lot more. Let her move out if she doesn't like it. You've forgotten it's OK to let her fail once in a while.

I have a (clever and ambitious but oh so entitled) 16yo DD & an 18yo (who moved out, pretty much), in case that qualifies me to comment.

Is she barely 17 or almost 18?
Coz I think she needs to fly the nest, tbh. Whatever messiness that leads her to, if possible, she'd be better off in her own territory.
Please don't sweat small stuff (her moans about what food you bought).
She needs to find her own path & without stressing you out in every which way.

When she moves out I will easily go days even weeks without interaction with another human being. I don't think she'll make much effort to visit.

Please don't let this be a factor in what U do next. You can't see how much you are focusing your energy around her & as direct result not letting other people in your life or not allowing other opportunities to be with people. If U have to, make a plan for social things you WILL do (could do now, really) to make sure you keep some regular social contacts. Volunteering if you have to.

I was a horrible 17 year old. I did a flit and moved in with a friend giving no thought to my mum. She had done everything to try and get me to college/work/stay in at night etc.
Thinking about myself at that age, I would give your DD a month's notice. This would be to move out or pay rent with conditions including cooking alternative evening meals, laundry, food shopping etc.
I'd hope you might feel better if there was an end date to what you are putting up with.
At 17 I survived paying bills, cooking, going to work. Am nearly 40 now and I don't know what I'd do without my DM.
I hope things get better soon.

She’s not too young to move out. Just saying.

Wow. I thought I was reading about my own daughter and situation there for a minute!

Oh how I fully understand your situation and the utter utter heartbreak (especially when it’s just the two of you - like a team)

I hope I’m on the other side of it all and I’ve noticed massive changes since I changed a few things.

I realised I was doing too much for her and it became an expected thing! If I didn’t do it, then it was all my fault.

The first thing I did was write her a letter saying how I just didn’t want to go on living like this, how this is wasn’t the life I expected us to have... to hate each other so much. I took blame for being over protective and gave her blame for how she treated me. It was a very deep letter with brutal honesty but constantly reminded her that I loved nothing more than her and I really wanted us to come to a compromise so we could both be happy.

I left the letter and went out of a few hours so that she could read it and process it privately with time to think.

When I came back we had a very in depth chat and she told me what I was doing to annoy her.

The chat was hard but my goodness, what a difference since!

I’ve had to learn to trust her, she has had to learn to follow my very basic house rules, I’ve had to accept that she is almost 18 and compared to many other peers, she is actually a bloody good child!

So far the goodness is still flowing, our line of communication are fully open and there is a level of respect between us.

I hope this helps in some way.

Sorry to be blunt but she is treating you like a doormat because you are letting her.

You've got to toughen up and stop babying her.

Do not lend her more money.

Do not wake her up in the morning.

Sit her down and tell her you are no longer doing these things. Would you accept this behaviour from a flatmate? I really think you need to give her a month's notice. If she's earning, she can rent somewhere else.

I’ve read more of your posts and it’s giving a better picture. Think is going to sound harsh but have you set a good example with working for your money or the importance of education. College and uni isn’t for everyone so don’t worry too much about that but have you set the example of getting and keeping a job?

I only say that because teenagers are meant to make mistakes the the values and morals you have taught her are embedded in there and will come out in a few years.

Cpn isn't allowed to intervene except in supporting me in how I want to handle it.

She does pay keep but complains about it and tells me friends aren't treated the same - except I know at least one is.

She's halfway between 17 and 18.

It's my health that means I don't see people. I find it very hard to make friends plus people have their own problems they don't need to have to be working around my issues too.

I moved out myself at 18 and coped but it was far from ideal and I don't want that for her. I felt abandoned to be honest and still have a very poor relationship with my parents.

I don't think she'd read a letter I think she'd just take it as an attack. Whatever I wrote.

Yes she's basically a good person. Not doing anything truly horrendous. Which makes me feel kinda bad for complaining. That's where she feels the injustice too because she is working and doing chores etc she feels it's not appreciated but then I feel that's because she kinda wants a bloody medal for every little thing she does that are just normal parts of being a working adult.

I have a degree, which she knows. I worked until 8 years ago full time when I got sick and couldn't work. She remembers me working and has a good work ethic, when she left her weekend job to do this full time one they were sad to see her go as she is a hard worker.

The school situation I honestly don't believe was mainly down to her. There was a change of management best way to describe and that school has gone right downhill since but they're blaming the pupils. Until then she had done actually really well at school and was on course for getting into uni. They massively messed things up for her which really made her disenchanted with education.

But she's said recently she may consider going back to college or uni in the future.

Ask her if she wants to live with you. Say you would like to live with her- if she can be nice to you.
I get the impression after 17 years of it being the two of you (plus partner for however long) you've both had enough and need a bit of a break from each other.
Maybe you could help her find a place to rent. Better to do it in a calm way, than in anger and kicking her out.