Sheesh. DD 19 upset at not having a job but not applying for jobs and bursting into tears.

[TheTeenagerTroubles]

Help. This may be long but I'm trying not to drip feed without making this too epic.

DD2 is 19, she started a year of A levels and was doing well but hated it so she stopped and took a 2 year College course instead.
She has just finished College and again she did really well.

She had a good Uni offer but doesn't want to go, ideally she wants an apprenticeship with day release to take a degree.
These do exist but her chosen field is highly competitive, her College results were A level AAA equivalent so she's a strong candidate but there are dozens of applicants for each post. She's applied for 2 of these and been interviewed for both.

Even though she didn't get them I think a hit rate of 2 interviews from 2 applications is pretty good going.

To give her credit she has had Saturday/weekend jobs since the age of 15.
So she has 2 good work references.
She is still working in her most recent Saturday job in a supermarket and has taken up extra hours so she works 24/30 hours a week.
It pays more than adult minimum wage so she brings home more doing this than she would on an apprenticeship wage.

The problem is that I think her perception was that she would go straight from College to a job of her choice.
Until now everything has fallen into place for her and she doesn't realise that if she wants a 'proper' job she's going to have to put some effort into it.

She hasn't taken well to the rejection of the two interviews, she keeps bursting into tears, saying she's 'useless' and that no-one will employ her.
She blames me for not helping her. I am helping her but what she really wants is for me to fill in the applications for her.

I've suggested that she could take an £18-£20k a year job as an office junior to get some office experience even if it's not exactly what she wants to do eventually.

I'm fed up of her shouting at me and I don't know how to make her realise that she's going to have to learn to put some proper effort in and not take the rejection personally.

It probably doesn't help that DD1 and DSS1 and DSS2 who are all in their 20s have all found independent lives and jobs and they are doing well.
DD2 seems to have forgotten that it was hard work for them to get there and that they are still working at it.

We're having similar problems with DSD2 who is the same age as DD2. She's only applying for jobs occasionally too, but that's a whole other thread.

DD2 is an adult, I don't mind what she does as long as she's doing something.
Today whilst shouting at me she 'threatened' to stay working in the supermarket.
To which I truthfully said that I didn't mind as long as it made her happy.
So then she ranted at me about that too.

I can't win!
Do I step back and leave her to it?
Keep trying to help?
I don't know how to get her to see that she just has to keep trying.

Any advice gratefully received.

All you can do is provide support - offer to read things over before she submits things.

Or try and do some interview practice questions for her? Can she remember what kind of questions she was asked and how she answered them?

But she needs to toughen up a bit. Even getting to an interview is a huge achievement - the majority of applicants for a role won't even get that far.

Thank you @FanSpamTastic I agree that she needs support and I'm trying to provide it but it's difficult when she's so negative and shouty.

We've been through the interview questions and mock interviews.

I also agree that she needs to toughen up, she's being so defeatist.

She also needs to be applying for more jobs and not be so picky. She doesn't seem to 'get' that sometimes you don't get to do exactly what you want straight away and that if you get into a company and work well then you are in a good position to apply for the role you really want when it comes up.

It's very frustrating.

I do sympathise. The hardest job to get is always the first one - once you’re in and have a good track record, you’re much more employable.
Try not to get over involved here, take a step back and encourage her to make her own decisions and applications. The employment market is pretty good at the moment, I’m sure something will come up for her. Just provide background support and let her find her own way.

Thanks @Babdoc, you're right of course.
Today we had another conversation about it, instigated by her.
Until now she's been resistant to contacting agencies but there are so many jobs available through them now that it seemed to me like an obvious thing to do.

She's spoken to two agencies, both say they can find her work. I know they would say that but she's cheap and employable so it's possible that they will find her work.
She has appointments to go and see them both next week.
So that's a step in the right direction.

With any luck they'll be nice to her and she'll feel more confident to go to some others.

She needs to ask for honest and open feedback from the two interviews she’s been to so she knows what she needs to work on.

As for a 19 year old ‘blaming you’. SHE decided to drop out of A levels. SHE decided not to go to university. She made these life choices so it’s her choice. As for the crying - she’s going to need to toughen up.

Can she get temp work for a while?

How does she get on with her older siblings? She might accept advice from them more easily than from you. My younger sister often reads DMs advice as criticism but I don't think she minds mine so much - it's a different relationship dynamic.

I think beneath all this, she is scared. She’s reached a point in her life where she has to grow up and she’s got older siblings who have been successful. Yes they’ve had to work hard for it but her immaturity is stopping her from seeing that. In her eyes she probably just thinks they are lucky.

She’s projecting anger onto you because she’s angry and frustrated at herself. It sounds like she’s very capable but a bit lost?

Does she have an idea what she wants to do ultimately? What factors are important to her? Type of work? Progression? Pay?

Could her big sister help her, mentor her through the job hunting or even just give her a bit of a pep talk? It might be taken better than advice from a parent (everyone knows parents know nothing about anything ).

@NorthernSpirit she did drop out of A levels but I was fine with that. The College course she took and finished was a good one.
The University offer she got was low and she achieved it easily. She's deferred for a year so she could go next year if she wants to. The apprenticeships she's applying for all include a degree so I understand why she's so keen to get one of those jobs.
I don't mind her not going to University.
I don't mind her working in the supermarket if it makes her happy but she says she wants another job.
She's an adult and she has to make her own decisions.

@Snog yes she can temp for a while and still keep her supermarket job.
Yesterday she spoke to some agencies and she has appointments to see them next week, which is a good start.

@Spudlet and @PerspicaciaTick yes, parents know nothing .
She gets on very well with DD1 and DSS1 and 2, she can and would talk to any of them. She also gets on really well with DSD1, they are completely different but as thick as thieves.
DSD1 isn't much use in this situation as she's experiencing similar but her circumstances are different.
DD1 lives closer so she's more likely to go and see her to talk to her. DD1 gives sage advice and I've spoken to her about it myself.
Going to stay with either DSS for a few days could be a good idea because they will definitely motivate her.

@BluePheasant Yes! You're completely right. She's scared and projecting her anger at me.
And yes she is capable but lost - do you know her?
The challenge is that things have always been easy for her - she loved school, loved college, wanted a Saturday job and got the first one she applied for and my perception is that she thought that finding a job would be the same.
She's taking the rejection personally and, of course, it isn't.
DD2 knows exactly what she wants to do.
As I say, she's been looking at apprenticeships but she could just get an entry level job doing what she wants to do and take an OU degree, she's been talking about this as an option and now I think she's considering it seriously.