Advice on teenage boys friendships

[Ifyoukeepchanging]

Never started a thread and know this has been on here but am seeking advice/inspiration/examples of dcs that have come through this ok please. Any pdychologists/counsellors reading then your input vety much welcomed please. This is it really..... my 13 year old son is struggling with frienships at school. Part of this may be that sometimes he thinks he knows it all. (not a parent who believes their dcs are angels) Have tried to get him to see a counsellor but he won't go. Have suggested talking to school but he doesn't want me to. He is being bullied at school psychologically by a group that used to be his friend. He is constantly saying that he feels lonely at school esp on breaks. He doesn't have any special needs and is bright but not mega clever. I have searched for books on friendships but they all seemed to be aimed at boys. He's now asking to change schools but I think he will just be taking the issues with him. I want him to be able to have the tools to cope with the teasing/banter/bullying. Also when he is frustrated/angry he hits himself on the head with phone etc but always in front of me do prob just attention seeking (but I could be wrong) I'm dreading the school holidays as he will day everyone will be meeting up as the friends he had don't include him. He belonged to a few clubs but no friends emerged from outside of this. If you have read all of this then thank you. Appreciate any ideas comments as I'm desperate and don't know where else to turn.

Bump

Do you know why his friendships broke down? Did something happen?
I can't really offer any advice from a parenting perspective, as mine are much younger, but I do know what this feels like for him. I fell out with my friendship group at the age of 12 and it was awful. A boy told everyone he liked me. Unfortunately for me the queen bee of our school liked him. No one would speak to me for months. I spent a lot of time on my own. The things that helped me were:
talking to my mum about it, even though she couldn't help
Joining various activities outside school where these people wouldn't be. A drama group provided me with a much needed support group.
The school doing clever, quiet things such as moving the whole class into different seats at the start of term, to try to foster new relationships. This helped me make friends with a couple of girls I hadn't known before.
And once I left and started at college I was fine and fell in with a new crowd. In fact I was stronger as I knew I could make friends when I needed to.

Hope that helps. Hope your son is ok.

Sorry to hear your ds is having problems. Friendships are so tricky at this age (or any age, come to that), but what most children are worried about is where they fit into a group, rather than empathising with someone who isn't in a particular group and trying to include them. It's a bit 'I'm all right, Jack', I think. It's very hard for others to go against those who are seen as top in the pecking order, because that might jeopardise their own position.

If he has any particular interests, could your ds try joining lunchtime clubs at school, so that he has something to do? Are there people that he'd like to invite over during the holidays? Sometimes it's easier to socialise in smaller groups, away from whoever is leading the bullying (and there is usually a ringleader). Often others join in simply through fear of being the next one to be picked on, rather than not wanting to be friends with the subject of the bullying.

Have you spoken with anyone at the school, such as the Head of Year? Schools usually take bullying very seriously nowadays.

Sorry not to be more helpful. School can be quite brutal, sometimes.

Thank you orangeand watcher. Have been out for the eve. Thought no one was going to respond to my post! Can't quite get to the bottom of why its happening but they keep saying he's annoying/ nobody likes you/ you've got no friends that sort of thing. Have tried to get him to ask some of the others that he sometimes speaks to for their mob numbers so he can invite them over but he's reluctant to ask. The ones he used to see out if school sometimes are leaving him out and generally not being very nice to him(but then I don't know how he is being to them as only have his side to go on) Agree with the fact that prob most are more concerned about themselves being part if a group rather than empathising. My ds finds that very difficult as he has always been loyal to his friends and stood by them. He even sticks up for kids that are being teased that he doesn't esp like himself as he thinks its unjust. He has a kind heart so makes it even sadder to see.

Sorry for the last long ramble.! What I'm hoping is that by the time they go back some may have matured a bit and will perhaps realise what misery they're causing and will either stop or others will stick up for him? What sort of age does this happen? Does it ever happen?

Is a change in school not a bad place idea?
Fresh start?

luvjust think that apart from him then being setback (its said that dcs are setback 10months by changing school incl settling in etc) that he will have the same probs? Plus the only school that I could consider is 2 bus rides away and any friends he made wouldn't live near here.

Something I read recently, seemed valid... women make friends and maintain friendship by talking, men make friends & maintain friendship by doing stuff together (I know, very un-MN to say boys & girls are different, not that I give a monkey's about deniers).

Anyway, easier to make friends by doing something together: Scouts, sport, building something, warhammer, martial arts, etc.

From what you say he may need help with improving his social skills.

You say he may be a “know it all”. Is there anyone sensible you could ask for an opinion on why he’s struggling, teacher or parent of one of the other boys? If you get a clearer view it would be easier to coach him.

“Nobody likes a smart arse” I always tell mine.

Have you talked the school about the bullying? They need to address that ASAP...they may also be able to help your DS with his social skills. Can you enrol him in any courses over the summer so he has people to hang out with?

Thanks everyone. Not meaning to sound negative but this is why I'm at a loss. He has been to various clubs etc and stayed for a few years but no friendships outside these evolved. He doesn't want me to speak to school so can't because will break his trust. If I speak to his former friends (one I know him and his family) about it my ds will be mortified plus may give them more ammo-"mummy sorting out yr friendships now" type of thing. It was a real effort to get him to go in today. Still saying no to contacting school. Said "I will just bunk off then "but he won't as he won't want to get in trouble at school!

Thanks raggedthink that boys/girls do make friends differently. Lynette I might revisit that idea about summer activities. We did have something set up for one week but he backed out of it. Got to try something!

This could be my son. He was reasonably popular throughout small primary and went to Y7 with his best mate and suddenly there were hundreds of kids, literally, just in his year. One lad in particular (who apparently has ‘issues’ ) was always really rough, play fighting etc, calling names, low level bullying and just general unpleasantness. To avoid being his target many boys went along with it, including ds’s mate. Ds, bright, perhaps arrogant (as defense?) was left alone and was quite sad for much of Y7 and Y8. I probably made it worse because I didn’t realise quite what was going on (he doesn’t share his problems - refused counselling etc) and I kept telling him to ‘go out and have fun with your friends.’
So Y9 has been a better year. He’s concentrated on the girls - gets on better with them, they like the attention and he’s not bad looking. Also found friendship with other boys who the girls get on with, tbh the more civilised ones. I also completely got off his back and that helped - used to take him out for a burger/lunch/ice cream etc for a change of scenery but made sure I never let him thought of himself as a ‘loser’ for not being out, he now does go out more and has a few good friends who care about each other.
As far as advice goes, I would suggest trying to relax about it as him seeing you stressed and sad for him confirms there is a problem. Agree with him that kids are or can be pretty hideous to each other. Boost self esteem by letting him do stuff he wants to do and encourage anything he’s good at, even if that is hours of fortnite in a darkened room, and take him out for treats etc. Watch YouTube crap or box sets with him. Maybe odd days out with family friends or one or two mates to theme park etc? Generally take the pressure off to be with twats who treat him badly. He doesn’t need friends like that, and it really won’t last forever. Good luck.

My DS and his ex-bf ‘broke up’ this year and unfortunately it was the fault of the friend who’d been trying to excluded ds over various plans. It transpired that the other boys did not like how he was treating ds, plus he was also ‘controlling’ another boy who he has now completely fallen out with. The ex-bf is now pretty much out of the group as they are all fed up of his controlling ways and now are not including him in social stuff. I’m not saying this is the same as your DS but age 14 they change a lot, go through puberty properly (I know another best boy friendship that ended this year, wry longstanding too). Maybe things will change in sept? Have you got friends w kids same age so you can arrange outings in summer with them? If he’s going into year 10 it’s very mixed up for gcses and new friendships form.

I used to find that the last term of the year was the fall out term. Everyone tired and fed up of school and that in Sept everyone had moved on and they started the new term afresh.

My son had a similar situation, though perhaps a bit more bullying was happening- it's hard to tell. It was awful. At least your son is talking to you; ours lacked the confidence to tell us, as I think it was too humiliating. The bullying consisted of excluding him, laughing at him, moving away from him at lunch- things like that.

I did go talk to his form tutor, with my son's knowledge, though only with his very grudging consent. The way I see it- my son was being bullied, and I needed to tell my son, through my actions, that being mean is unacceptable and that if people are being mean then we do something about it.

My son, like yours, was a nice kid (though annoying as hell sometimes) the kind of person who would put his foot in it to stand up for someone else, etc., also a bit of a know-it-all, in spite of his insecurity. I can understand why other boys would think it was fun to be horrible to him .

His tutor said he needed to talk to our son, and get specific details of things that happened, and he also said that there is always a ringleader (sometimes 2), and that what he would do is talk privately to the ringleader, get him to see how hurtful the behaviour is, just have a discussion. Then if anything else happens, he comes down on the bully like a ton of bricks...

It actually kind of worked. Things got better. Nevertheless, in the end, we ended up deregistering from school for 1 term and then starting a new school. Our son immediately made friends and was never bullied again.

I think changing schools and taking time off was the best thing we could have done- it gave him space to get perspective on school, understand that there is a whole world out there. I didn't know that changing schools puts kids back by 10 months, but it certainly wasn't true for our son, (and the term he missed was the first term of year 10, so not ideal, really, you would have thought).

I am not saying that changing schools is ok for everyone, obviously, just that you might consider it. I think people are quite sexist in the assumptions they make about bullying. Boys don't always just thump one another, or scream violent abuse, and then forget it and play football. They can exclude and tease and turn against their friends too.

Just a footnote. My son bumped into his former bully recently, and the bully apologised to him. My son told him it was ok, that he was sure he had been really really annoying, and understood why the bully couldn't stand him. They both were able to laugh about it!

I'm sorry you are going through this. We had it at younger age - I would seriously consider

1. discuss with school confidentially - the bully is currently protected by knowing your son hasn't told anyone at school. You are the adult and sometimes the best thing for kids isn't what they think it is. 2)We moved schools eventually - instant academic progress as dc then happy. DC didn't want to move schools but definitely correct decision. ...

Good luck.

Is he just finishing Year 8? Year 8 is quite a tricky year friendships wise. Apparently. They are settling, after starting secondary in year 7, boys finding their place in the friendship groups. Dominant males stamping their territory.
Plus, a lot get a bit more horrible - rude, obnoxious, cocky, know-it-all, answering back.

How big is his school. Has he tried to break into other friendship groups?

Hi everyone only just checked back on here as didn't see it on the active list so thought no one else had responded from those I'd seen. (I'm fairly new on mn) I'm really touched at your replies. Thank you so much. Lucky thanks for taking the time with yr post. He used to have mostly girls as friends in lower primary so that could work. You're prob right that I'm more bothered than him it's just the "I'm lonely at school" that I find hard to bear althou he's still actyally going in as enjoys lessons(!). In fact he has been invited by the former group of friends to go out over the summer but has declined as said they're not nice to him at school. Tried to encourage him to go as said might be different out of school(and wondering if it's just that their joking with him and he's being oversensitive?) but he's adamant. Just yes does sound similar and hoping it changes in Sept. Clara again sounds similar. Thanks for yr long post too. One of the boys apologised but then restarted the behaviour again a week later! As for the 10 month thing it's just something I read and doesn't mean it's right I guess if yr unhappy at school u don't learn anyway? Glad yours is ok now. Ob yes Year 8! And yes quite a big school. This gives me hope. Thanks everyone who had replied has made me feel more optimistic and positive. I'm hoping it's all alpha male stuff and will settle in Sept. You really are a warm bunch. XX

Just read this very old thread and see that your ds is the same age as mine now and wondered how he's doing as mine is currently in the same situation. I just wondered if anything helped?