Teaching about coercion and consent

[DoinItForTheKids]

Hi

I've got a 16 yo DD.

She's got a BF but I am pretty sure they've not had sex.

I still worry, especially with the background of boys watching often violent male on female aggressive porn, that the risks are much higher these days to get coerced into sexual activity or to be sexually assaulted.

I think my DD thinks rape for example is only ever a pretty physical, full on attack - which of course is often not the case, and that it would be a case of 'kicking the guy in the nuts' if it happened to her. I don't think the concept of coercion has been talked about in school at all (which is a travesty).

What's prompted me to think about this is she's gone to a friend's house just now, a boy, one year older than her (that's not especially relevant, her BF is 18) but I do also understand that the more they go out to homes where there may be the friend, the friend's male cousin, their friends, you know? The risk is just increasing just purely on numbers. Then if they're being driven in the boy's car there and reliant on a lift back that potentially creates a way to apply sexual pressure that I'm not sure she's really ready for or understands.

Oh god, she's just messaged to say "I might stay over". I've said no. I don't know this kid or the family or who else might be there.

I'm just struggling to find resources that would appeal to a teenager and make her be able to understand the subtle nature of coercion, the effects of porn watching and of course, how to handle coercion.

Any ideas would be gratefully received. Other than that I'll need to have a talk with her. I know it's very unlikely but at the same time, she's completely risk-unaware and cannot see the opportunities for getting into something she can't handle that are opening up with her greater freedoms and I feel I need to get this message across - no one told me as a teenager and I had unprotected sex and worried I was pregnant twice. I don't want that to happen to her.

I know it’s hard but I think you need to calm down a bit.
I think you should just talk to her and explain your worries.
Sometimes, unless you lock them in their room, all you can do is talk to them about personal safety and then you just got to trust that they know what they are doing and are not going to put themselves in stupid situations or surround themselves with stupid people xx

There was an excellent programme about this on bbc 3 years ago www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0345d6w unfortunately it’s not available on iPlayer but it might be worth having a look around to see if you can get hold of it. It was so good that I actually kept it on my Sky planner thingy - it’s been on there for years so that I could show my dd when she was old enough (which she probably is now actually). It was quite horrifying what teenagers thought was acceptable so actually I don’t think you need to ‘calm down a bit’ I think you are being sensible to address the issue.

Find the Cup of Tea analogy on YouTube. It's aimed more at the 'coercer' than the victim, but is very useful as a jumping-off point for discussion.

Is your dd an only? You could discuss this at, say, the dinner table with siblings involved. That would open it up to different perspectives and allow you to talk indirectly, making points without obviously addressing her. You could even find that siblings make these points, which may give them more potency than if boring old mum made them.

Im only saying calm down a bit because I feel like the OP is going to work herself into a state over this. I’m not saying her worries are not a big deal because obviously (and sadly) they are the reality of how things can be.
But I do feel that talking to your daughter about your concerns will help both of you. Even if you feel she isn’t listening and goes with the ‘oh mum’ eye rolling attitude, I can guarantee it will be in the back of her mind constantly. Xx