How do you handle “tone of voice” issues?

[bellylaughs]

DD3 (12) was quite upset earlier about a conversation with DD2 (14). When she relayed it to me it sounded like her older sister had deliberately made her feel stupid. I confronted DD2 about it and she relayed the same conversation but without the tone of voice it sounded quite innocent and as a result she got very irate (screaming) that I was picking on her etc. I totally believe DD3 in this scenario but I always find it really difficult to pin down and reprimand for something as intangible as the tone in her voice. In the end I couldn’t stop her ranting and screeching so I just said she had to change her tone when she speaks to people etc and I left the room. Not very successful. How do you deal with stupid rows like this?

Sometimes if my kids bring me things like this I say I can’t comment because I wasn’t there. I encourage the one with the grievance to go to the other later, when they are both calm and make lots of “I” statements, so “ when you said blah, I felt blah” keeping calm and repeating g how they felt/ feel. Sometimes works.

Sounds like a good plan. Unfortunately DD2 is goes from zero to screaming in seconds if she’s confronted about something. Even afterwards when she’s calmed down.

I’’d still do what ohyes says OP, but if she’s struggling I’d talk to her about how being irate can stop you getting a situation like this resolved.

brilliant advice from ohyes

I'd tell her to ignore the tone of voice and focus on what was said. If that's reasonable, then fair enough.
I'd also say that sometimes you have to be more mature than the person you're talking to, even though they're older.

And, crucially, no-one can make you feel stupid. Bolster dd3's self-esteem.

“You and I both know what you said and how you said it are two different things”

Teenagers are hard work. Mine has been awful today. Much sympathy and

I say ‘you both need to learn how to speak to other people to get them to listen to you’ then disappear. They both are horrible to each other so I won’t involve myself. DH pretends to be deaf