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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

19 year old DD...is this normal, should I be worried?

10 replies

toothmonkey · 05/07/2018 09:00

I thought we were over all the teenage drama that tends to come with highschool but my daughter still seems to get herself into a whole lot of anxiety over friendships even though she is now at university.

She has done really well in her first year, made a very solid friend (living with her next year) and got on well with her flat, she seemed to like them all, was able to tolerate the usual stuff of noise, mess etc. On the last night together, they all had too much to drink and ended up in a huge argument where DD came off as 'the worst person in the world' (her words). I know I get one side of the story but it all sounds very juvenile and a storm in a teacup to me, but it has resulted in most of her friendship group (not best friend) ostracising her which has left her devasted. She has apologised for her part but friends basically want nothing to do with her. Floods of tears and very distressing Skype session with her and she feels very low - its knocked her for six.

I thought all this was over with as she sailed through A-levels with very little drama and feeling relatively confident about uni.

Question is...is it normal for teenage girls to argue over petty things well into late teen years? Also how to encourage her to just move on and forget about it when it feels her world has just collapsed. Thank you

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 05/07/2018 09:05

Yes totally normal it is ridiculous though my dd and a group of friends drunkenly fell out and the group fractured was a real shame. I hope your Dd is ok and it might blow over

Unsureneighbour · 05/07/2018 09:08

Unfortunately from my hazy memories of first year at uni, yes this is normal. I never really experienced it but lots of people I knew had these massive fallings out, especially in flat share/halls situations.

Let her lick her wounds over the summer and support her starting second year afresh and hopefully more mature.

GinUnicorn · 05/07/2018 09:14

I think it does happen but the good thing about uni is the countless opportunities to meet new friends. She will be okay Flowers

MrsRubyMonday · 05/07/2018 09:28

Yes, very normal. I graduated uni about 5 years ago, and there were constant arguments, people getting worked up, accusations flying.

It's important to remember that for most, this is the first time they have lived away from their family, and therefore they have to live with new people, who do things differently and have different expectations. All it takes is one person expecting the bathroom cleaned immediately after every use and someone else happy to do a once a week deep clean and everything kicks off. A lot of the teenagers haven't yet worked out how to navigate these situations on their own.

On top of this, they are all under immense stress with the change from high school to uni, even if they seem to be coping well. It's a big difference in terms of work, motivating themselves, teaching style. Even if your daughter is coping well, others may not be, and may be taking out their frustration on the only people nearby.

I also think it's important to remember that the people in your flat first year are normally chosen by the uni pretty much at random. Whilst it's good if your daughter can get on with the people she lives with, a lot of my friends ended up in flats with people they just didn't mesh well with. They made friends of their own choosing from their course, or from clubs they joined, and then moved in with them second year. Everything settled down after this. I think a lot of people hear the stories of students becoming lifelong friends with their flatmates from first year and have a romantic idea of an instant connection and lifelong friendships, but it really is luck of the draw, as nobody gets on with everyone.

Finally, teenagers are a dramatic bunch at the best of times, adding free reign with alcohol, a cramped environment, hormones and all the other things they are dealing with and it's miraculous that some of them make it through uni unscathed.

I would recommend reminding your daughter that she will be living away from them soon, and doesn't have to speak to them again if she doesn't want to, and that not everyone gets on all the time. Encourage her to join a club or society if she hasn't already, so she has another group of friends that she has chosen herself. I would also strongly recommend making friends with people off her course, as they can be a massive help with assignments and group projects. Reassure her that she is in no way the worst person ever, frustration and alcohol makes teenagers say and do stupid things. It's hard when people tear you down like that sometimes, but being the bigger person really does help, even though it's hard at the time.

toothmonkey · 05/07/2018 09:31

Wow a much needed quick response after a sleepless night! Thank you so much. I'm sure it will blow over like all these things do. Might be a good opportunity for her to meet new people and learn from mistakes.

She's working quite a bit over summer so that will keep her busy.

Thanks again

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 05/07/2018 09:37

I think they are constantly on edge at this age I am not sure why my eldest is 25 and has finally calmed down but my 20yr old is still overly anxious about stuff I can't remember being so highly strung at that age. anyway I think your daughter will be fine her working should keep her busy.

LemonysSnicket · 05/07/2018 09:40

Yup, normal. 1st and half of 2nd year of uni were basically high school x2. Half of you are adults and he other half will act 16 + alcohol +living together +no parents + stress = BOOM

3rd year and 4th were great as everyone has caught up!

LemonysSnicket · 05/07/2018 09:41

Oh, plus people get badly wound up by sharing their space ie you haven't wash up/you don't hoover/ you never buy soap or milk

LadyLance · 05/07/2018 09:42

That sounds rubbish for your daughter. I do think halls can become a bit of a pressure cooker situation, people get annoyed by little things and overlook them for the sake of a nice living environment but it can all boil over.

If she has someone nice to live with next year that's great. Hopefully after the summer this might all blow over, but otherwise I'd suggest joining a society next September so she can meet new people in a less pressured situation.

LemonysSnicket · 05/07/2018 09:42

DSis told me at the beginning that the friends you make on the first day will hate you before the end of 1st year. It's been true for everyone I know.

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