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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Isolated teen son

20 replies

MotherofDragons48 · 30/06/2018 19:38

I'm worried sick about my teenage son. He's 17 and at college now but all through school he was bullied and despite his best efforts has found it very hard to make friends. He seems to get on well with the other boys at college but says they all have their own group of friends and that means yet another summer sat on the Xbox. He talks to others online as he appears to feel safe doing that and I encourage him to have these freind over in person but it never seems to happen. He had one freind but inevitably my son was ousted by a more dominant member of the group and now he's alone again. My heart is breaking for him as I have to work full time and it's not right for a lad his age to be sat with his mum . He loves cars and computer games and isn't that different to other boys his age. He was tested for Asperger's etc but they said he's just 'quirky' . He needs a tribe but how to find one?

OP posts:
CanaBanana · 30/06/2018 19:48

Send him along to hobby groups to try out new things until he finds one that he likes. My Dsis (early teens) loves youth theatre groups and has met loads of friends.

Vitalogy · 30/06/2018 19:53

Is he happy OP?

Original poster
MotherofDragons48 · 30/06/2018 20:17

He seems happy enough sometimes but there's an under current of wanting to belong if that makes sense? I've tried to persuade him to do other things when he's not at college and tell him all the time not to rely on computer games to provide a social life but he won't listen.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 30/06/2018 20:36

That's good that he's mainly happy then. So you've tried to persuade but he's not having any of it. I think leave him be a bit now. My son's the same, although he's seems to be coming out of it a bit now, He's got an idea/interest in a career, so I feel this is a good start.

I know it's a worry OP. Bear with, bear with. What I've learnt in my sons case is that any nagging doesn't help. Show him you're on his side and there for him if he needs any help and support.

Original poster
MotherofDragons48 · 30/06/2018 20:49

I'll give it a go, thanks xx

OP posts:
Underworld345 · 30/06/2018 21:39

He’ll be alright, encourage him by don’t go over the top. He’ll probably get a gf online and then meet up with her - they’ll have a lot in common and he’ll be happy.

Flabbermyghasted · 30/06/2018 21:55

Hi OP. I could have written this about my isolated 17 yo DD. It’s really difficult and I feel for you and your son. I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but I hope he finds his tribe soon.

tardylardy · 01/07/2018 00:04

who tested him?

have you researched Aspergers?

could he be borderline Aspergers?

memaymamo · 01/07/2018 01:38

Even if a test showed he's borderline Aspergers, what then? It won't change whether he has friends or not..

Vitalogy · 01/07/2018 04:32

Even if a test showed he's borderline Aspergers, what then? It won't change whether he has friends or not. I agree, we are what we are and that's that.

Oddsocks15 · 01/07/2018 11:17

I know exactly now your feel. Prom photos back and not one single photo of my DD. The group of friends she went with appear in a couple of group shots but without DD.
She hasn't spoken about the prom other than a stroppy yes when asked if she had a good time. (Looking at the photos I'm not convinced that she did enjoy it).

Went to my SIL house yesterday for a BBQ, DD was in a thick jumper and jeans and had a face like thunder on her... DH and I were chatting, laughing and joking and she was scowling the whole time (mostly at DH and I).

She doesn't want to talk about her friendship problems with DH and I as "we don't understand" or "embarrassing" or say "hurtful things".

Looking at these prom photos I’m crying as everyone is dancing and smiling and my DD is no where to be seen on the photos.

DD has been low for sometime and on the waiting list for mental health appointment.. she won’t listen to any suggestions DH or I make to try and pull herself out of this black mood.. it is breaking my heart

Vitalogy · 01/07/2018 11:52

Oddsocks15 My son didn't go to the prom. It just wasn't his kind of thing. They'll come into their own you see. I think we just have to be patient and show that whatever their personality is, that we are ok with it. I know it's a worry. I don't think it helps if they feel parents are disappointed with them. Puts pressure on to be a certain way.

The times when my son has spoken the most to me about things is when it's not such a full on confrontation. When we're just not facing each other on different sofas watching the tele or something. I now other posters on threads about this, when out and about in the car, they're more willing to open up.

Oddsocks15 · 01/07/2018 12:05

Tried the car tactic vitalogy just a stony silence

Tried the sofa tactic and she stomped off upstairs and slammed her bedroom door.

Gave her the choice on whether she wanted to go prom, she seemed keen initially but I’ve since then I’ve had to push her to get dress etc sorted.. Hmm she is just so down and isolated

Raven88 · 01/07/2018 12:07

He will be ok. He just needs to find his people and he will do this. I was the isolated one most of my teen years and now I'm happily married and I have a small group of friends. Gaming was one of things that helped with the bullying because I could escape. I always thought I would be alone but we find our place.

Vitalogy · 01/07/2018 12:11

Ah, sorry those two ideas haven't worked. What about totally backing off for a few weeks, see how that goes.

I didn't even bring the prom subject up with my son, nothing was ever said about it. Maybe your daughter just forced herself to try and fit in. Bloody hell, the teenage years! I wouldn't want to go through that again.

Vitalogy · 01/07/2018 12:14

*I think they can sense and feel pressure from any engineered discussions.

Northernparent68 · 01/07/2018 21:07

A lot of martial artists are quirky so I’d recommend you encourage him into martial arts classes, and perhaps a gym as Exercise will lift his mood.

Blessthekids · 02/07/2018 08:56

💐 for all

From my experience there is no point nagging them or pushing advice on them. The reality is that they often already know, the advice we offer often backfires as it projects our fears onto them and comes off as criticism and another example of how they are getting it wrong. I do think it’s better to back off, listen and support. If they have a hobby encourage it (without emphasising the social benefits) and look for ways they can enjoy it outside of the home ie workshops, festivals. Try and do things as a family and enlist help from family they get on with ie an aunt or older cousin who can spend time with them. A volunteer role or part time job might also be useful in helping them realise that there is a world beyond school and allow them to meet different people.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/07/2018 09:00

Does he have plans to apply for university? I would recommend a campus one with lots of societies.

Original poster
MotherofDragons48 · 02/07/2018 21:41

Thanks all of you for your advice and for sharing your experiences. I really hope those of us with the more unique teens can learn to understand them a little better! I'm encouraging mine to take a more active role around the house while I'm at work all day (housework!) and suggested he gets a job . X

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