14 yo suspended from School - home punishment advice please

[Howshallihandlethis]

My son has been suspended from school for fighting. It’s a fairly long suspension and aggravated by the fact he made a nasty threat on social media.

I found this out today and so far I’ve tried to keep a level head and have said we’d discuss punishment tomorrow, but what’s reasonable?

Initially I thought phone and x box removed for the duration of the suspension, then phone back but with social media restrictions. And also grounding, which means he’ll miss a concert he’s saved for in a few weeks...

So, the tech ban means no contact with friends, no music / YouTube etc. Is social isolation too much of a punishment?

I feel like I’ve lost perspective on what’s fair and what’s not.

I don’t know if I’m going to be seen as a bad parent for saying this but if he’s saved up for a concert and it’s not during his exclusion I’d let him go to the concert but that would be because he had saved for it and it had not come out of my own pocket. I would set him work for the duration of his exclusion and confiscate phone until it’s over and then have a conversation about how he’ll get his phone back but under your terms and that you’ll be checking it regularly and if you find anything on it that it’ll be taken and replaced with a Nokia brick simply used for communication with people you have approved. He’s at an age where he’ll test boundaries and if the concerts before the summer holidays he will be grounded until the holidays (they’re not too far away so it’s not a ridiculous amount of time). I’d advise putting restrictions to what he can access on his phone and making sure he’s not accessing anything that’d provoke him or give him any ideas about fighting. Xx

Do you think that he needs some tools to deal with his anger/frustrations. Perhaps some therapy and/or anger management classes? Of course they have to be ones that are appropriate for teenagers!!!!!!

I really don't think a simple ban from technology is good enough here. Fighting, threatening others, suspension?? This kid will be 18 one day and facing real consequences for his actions. You come off as very blasé. Get him some help.

Yes absolutely confiscate everything. He should be at school, shouldn’t be at home enjoying these things, it’s like a reward and encouragement to do it again. That’s not even punishment, it’s just not allowing reward.

Social isolation, well everyone was fine (better) before endless technology, he won’t be isolated. He’ll just have to figure out ways to do things that aren’t staring at a screen or computer games. Read a book, I’d let him have magazines to read, cook something, do some work in the garden, workout at home, I think a break from it would be healthy.

No to the concert, violence and threats, no no no.

I’d also be concerned about missing school work during suspension. I never quite understood the logic in just suspending kids. There’s no attempt at rehabilitation, once they come back they’ll be behind and lost in school work so way more likely not to catch up or to give up on figuring out how to try. Plus after not having to go to school and enjoying it, if go back and feel lost and stupid for missing things, more likely to act up and get nowhere. Punishment should be more school, not less! I’d get the work he’ll be missing from teachers and have him do at least some of it.

You’ll be the best judge of counseling, talk to have with him based on his character and how bad it was, but I’d go for anything you can at this age, whilst you still have some influence and I trop and before things get really out of hand.

Good luck!

He can't go out in public spaces during school hours while suspended. (Keep in mind for your own planning)

I would want to know what the circumstances were to get suspended .
Was he defending himself, has this happend before?.
Support may be what is required, not punishment .

Definite tech ban during school hours throughout exclusion.

I'd be tempted to do full tech ban for 3 days.
Then 1-2 hours a day max during exclusion period, but you have passwords, especially for any SM during that time.

There are music radio stations for music.

Make sure the 6hrs a day school time is spent productively.

I would be expecting him to spend the equivalent of school hours doing school work at home. No phone, technology and a grounding so no outings. He can also take on some responsibility for housework, cooking, laundry etc.

I think given the fact his wrongdoing involved social media, a full tech ban is entirely appropriate.

The other aspect was fighting (one on one, once and fairly evenly balanced) I wouldn't ground outside school hours. Full tech ban for full detention, grounded (confined to house or venue of your choosing) during school hours, normal school term rules for going out outside school hours.

If he beat someone up rather than got into a fight with both boys equally involved, then total grounding, only leaving the house if you want him to run errands, go for a walk, accompany you to visit family, probably also sports training to work off energy and stay fit, but not for things like a concert.

School will send work (they have to, it's a legal obligation). So he needs to be doing that during school hours. If there's not enough he needs to be reading textbooks - get an idea of his topics in a few different subjects, get him a load of books from the library and make him read and take notes from these. He should have to show you and talk you through all of the work he has done each day. Poor standard / insufficient work means he does it again under your supervision in the evening.

Total tech ban during suspension is fair. Gradual return (With restrictions as you mentioned) also fair.

No concert. Tough shit.

proud OP might not work or might work from home. In this situation I would take a teen to work with me (which would involve them getting up at 5am :o ). Other people may have grandparents able to have a teen in disgrace in their house with them.

Obviously if none of those apply that's very difficult for the op. An already penitent child would stick to the physical grounding (WiFi code would need changing and consoles removing as that's a harder temptation for a bored teen). A teen convinced everything was unfair and unwilling to cooperate would require a parent to take parental leave if they couldn't work from home.

Full tech ban, full grounding, no concert. Tough shit. Needs to be in doing school work and considering consequences of his actions, however shitty they may be. If anything less strict than that then you're enabling and excusing his actions ie even if you're an aggressive shit at school it's ok to do something nice if you've paid for it. Do you really want him growing up with that attitude? Sounds like you both need some serious lessons in actions, consequences and responsibility.

Tech ban is the least that you can do. He used tech to threaten so it's a natural consequence. Does he have a laptop, tablet, any old smartphones? They have the ability to go online so need to be confiscated. He can socialise at school so really not socially isolated at all. He certainly wouldn't go to the concert.

Is the fighting a first time offence? Did the other person get hurt? If this was a one off and only consequences were bruised egos, the only punishment I would give your ds would be to replace any clothing, bags etc damaged in the fight. If this isn't a first time offence, then he'd be doing physical chores like mowing the lawn, gardening, clearing out garage or whatever.

What was the reason for the fight? That's important. Teens are so full of energy and hormones combined with having to be stuck in school with people that they might not get along with and doing school subjects they have zero interest in - and then we (society) wonder why they are so full of anger.
I would take away access to social media. Have the school given work for him to do? If yes then between school hours he does that - no TV or X box because he wouldn't have that at school. He then needs to be found things to 'do'. Help an elderly neighbour with doing their shopping, volunteer at local dog shelter (cleaning them out), get involved with a local park group who do things like litter picking /flower planting, volunteer at the local library....or 101 other things that I am sure he could do.
As for the concert. Tough one this. Is this a once in a life time event? Or does he regularly go to gigs? If it's a regular thing them maybe he should miss it - but if it's his first one and is unlikely to go to another for several years then I think he should be given the chance to earn the chance to go. He needs an out of school hobby. If X box and music are his thing then please find him an actual social group that is involved with these things. I joined a group (adult group) involved with an interest I have a couple of years ago and has been one of the best things to happen to me and my confidence. I had interests at 14 that I wish could of have some type of social group I could of been involved with. Some of those interests could of led to jobs or life friendship in that field - but obviously I didn't know that at 14. It took until I was 41 to find it for me and had a lot of anger inside me in for several years. He is 14. Help him now.