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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Just want some sympathy after DS speaking to me

27 replies

fedupandnogin · 25/06/2018 19:40

Sitting here crying after a row with my 19 yr old son. He's back from uni and I'm finding it hard with him living back in the house. Also all the stuff that he's brought back is all over the place as his room is too small for it to go in and there's nowhere else I can put it. I've asked him to tidy it up. He's left crockery in the living room which I asked him to take to the kitchen. He's left something in the washing machine without emptying it, etc, etc. He has no respect for me and shows me no love. He goes out hardly saying a word and comes home late so I don't really see him. The conversation turned from me asking him to do things to him saying things like 'grow up' to me, 'stop having a go at me', 'stop shouting at me' (when I wasn't shouting). It was much worse than it sounds when I write it down. To give some background, his dad and I separated in 2012 and I had to sell the marital home so his room is much smaller.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 25/06/2018 19:41

Send him to stay with his dad.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 25/06/2018 19:44

Try to and remember he is also adjusting to new living arrangements. Maybe you are taking his behaviour a bit too personally -

HotSauceCommittee · 25/06/2018 19:44

I’m sorry, my DS is only just fifteen and he has in the past sworn and shouted at me.
Does he need to leave to stay with his father if he can’t speak politely to you? Honestly, if there’s somewhere else he can go, if you can chuck him out for a couple of weeks without making him homeless, maybe it would make him appreciate you and his home more.

ellaV · 25/06/2018 19:46

How was your relationship before he went to live at uni?

MistressDeeCee · 25/06/2018 19:50

If you're at crying stage you need to send him to stay with his dad.

He's no right to become your bully just because you're his mum. It's not acceptable to speak to anyone the way he is speaking to you. Nor acceptable to make the place a mess. He's 19 not 9.

I wonder how he will speak to/treat his future life partner if he thinks leaving his stuff around, being untidy and being obnoxious is ok?

I also wonder if you've spoilt him/done everything for him in the past?

But whatever the case it's out of order. Get his dad involved, or someone in real life who can get through to him.

LemonysSnicket · 25/06/2018 19:51

It's difficult coming home from uni- you've had so much freedom to be an adult and now you're controlled again x

I know my mum found it hard with DSis

mathanxiety · 25/06/2018 19:56

How long has he been home?

Pumpkintopf · 25/06/2018 20:02

Can you sit down with him and have a calm discussion about house expectations and boundaries? It's likely to be hard for him adjusting to being home having had his independence too. Maybe allowing him to also express anything he's finding difficult might help?

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 25/06/2018 20:08

You have my sympathies, and he shouldn't speak to you like that. But I have been on the other side and it is hard coming back from uni to being back under someone else's rule, so hopefully after a little transition period things will settle down.

lljkk · 25/06/2018 20:21

Is he like this all the time or can he be nice, too?
If he's like this all the time I wonder if part of problem is you're tired & resilience has gone - not excusing him, just seeing why now of all times it's bad.

I just received apology off of DD who woke me up to tirade at me at midnight last night. Miracles do happen.

fedupandnogin · 25/06/2018 20:56

Thanks all. Not sure whether sending him to stay with his dad is an option. His dad isn't very co-operative or supportive (of me). I do understand how difficult it must be for him being home but I do just ask him to tidy him after himself and have some respect for me and the house.

He has always (for the last few years) had a bit of a temper and an aggressive and vocal attitude. Sometimes he can be nice and chatty but just doesn't show me much respect. I do agree that it's not acceptable for him to speak to me the way he does and do worry about him speaking to women that way in the future. Maybe I have spoilt him too much in the past. Since the ExH left me I've tried to be a good mother and do everything I can to keep going. I work hard to provide for them and to keep the house going and have to continue to do stuff as soon as I get home as well. You are right @lljkk perhaps my resilience has gone. I would love to sit him down and have a calm discussion but right now I can't see that happening. He's the sort of person that will turn that sort of discussion into an argument with me feeling that I'm at fault. (Exactly the same as his father if I'm honest :-( )

OP posts:
Hassled · 25/06/2018 21:02

Something I never anticipated was how hard it can be, having had them away at Uni and missing them and all the rest of it, for them to then come back. take up space, leave mess, and disrupt your routines. It sounds ridiculous - but you get so used to having the house your way, and then suddenly another adult is living in it, but because they're a self-absorbed teenager they're living in it with no thought or respect for you. I do feel for you.

lljkk · 25/06/2018 21:21

sometimes sanity survival means withdrawing emotionally. You don't have to like him to do right by him & have a clear conscience that you always did your duty by him even when he was an annoying git who didn't deserve it.

A few tactics that can work with my kids:

"Do you think the maid is going to pick up after you? Please respect your housemate (me) and don't leave your stuff in the way."

"What do you think is reasonable for housemates to do in this situation?"

"Do I ever speak to you like that? So why do you speak to me like that?"

fedupandnogin · 26/06/2018 06:58

I just feel I've failed as a parent. This is not the sort of relationship I wanted with my children :-( I feel like I'm on a downward spiral again. I'm thinking about writing to him so we don't have to have a discussion where he will talk over me and try to win an argument. Right now I just want to run away.

OP posts:
lljkk · 26/06/2018 11:54

Unmumsnetty (Hugs) *

fedupandnogin · 26/06/2018 18:40

Another tirade tonight. Swearing and shouting at me and his brother. I'm in tears again :-(

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 26/06/2018 19:01

He’s a 19 year old bully. Who does he think he is?

I suggest his dad deals with him or he needs to leave. It is not acceptable for you to be intimidated in your own home. If this was your husband you would be advised to leave.

fedupandnogin · 26/06/2018 20:46

Yes he is a bully. He says I wind him up but I honestly don't. I'd love to get his dad involved but sadly we don't parent together. His dad would just criticise me and take his side sadly. I have suggested he go and stay at his dad's but I don't know whether I can make him leave or whether his dad would even co-operate and have him.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 26/06/2018 20:51

It’s really not acceptable his behaviour.

Either his father deal with him, or is there a male relative or close male friend you can get involved? I’m woundering if he will listen to make authority.

If he treats you like this, I wounder how he treats others, women?

As a start point, ask his dad. If he doesn’t help could you ask the police to step in and have a word? I know it sounds extreme but I fo think you need some help.

Good luck.

mathanxiety · 26/06/2018 21:30

It sounds as if the problem has nothing to do with tetir in from university, except insofar as his horrible personality has bit you like a ton of bricks after a peaceful interlude while he was away.

He is back and trying to re-establish his dominance. Someone has to win this struggle. If you want that to be you, then you need to get tough.

I would give him fair warning that the bullying behaviour he has exhibited since returning is completely unacceptable and any repeat will result in him being thrown out on his ear. If he starts off on another tirade, sit silently, then wait until he goes out next, pack his stuff, change the locks, and text him that it's all in bags at X location.

Don't be afraid to call the police if he makes any threats or causes any damage.

To a certain extent personality is inherited. Your DS may have learned a lot from his dad too. But it's never too late to get tough, and always good to stick up for yourself and the child you are responsible for.

mathanxiety · 26/06/2018 21:31

Sorry for typos - on phone...

fedupandnogin · 26/06/2018 21:35

Thanks all. Will see what tomorrow brings. I really wish I could talk to his dad. Sadly he does show the same characteristics as him

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Pumpkintopf · 27/06/2018 17:44

Op just a thought- I read. -

Adele Faber and 1 more
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

I know he's an older teen but it has some good advice particularly around taking the heat out of conflict.

fedupandnogin · 28/06/2018 07:30

Thanks @pumpkintopf Yes I've also read "How to talk...". Perhaps I should read it again.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 28/06/2018 22:47

How are things now? Any better?