Need advice please

[Ochy]

I have a question I’d like help with.

So. Last November I bought my daughter who turned 18 a flight to go to Barcelona on July 1. She was meant to be going with 3 friends from school to celebrate the end of leaving cert and they were staying in one of the girls apartments. Even though my daughter left school in 5 th year as she really struggles academically and the stress of school brought on a serious bout of depression and subsequently was diagnosed with anorexia and was put on Prozac.

My problem is this. My daughter fell out with the girl who’s aunt owns the apartment over a boy. My daughter admitted she was at fault and apologised to no avail. This other girl has now banned her from going on the trip. I’ve contacted her mother and she said she’d talk to her after the leaving cert. I messaged her again last tuesday and have still heard nothing back.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your daughter is 18. She’s an adult, she needs to be sorting her own battles out.

Your daughter has done the gracious thing and apologised. Not upto you (in my opinion) to ring the other girls mum. She needs to speak to the girl herself.

She’s tried repeatedly to meet up with her and her friend refused to meet up. and then blocked her on all social media

She’s not a friend then. Let it go (as tough as it is and she’ll loose a flight). But does she really want to go away on holiday with this girl? Your daughter has been the bigger person and can hold her head up high.

Let it go, your daughter did wrong and is facing the consequences. Even if the other girl changed her mind it wouldnt be a good idea for your daughter to go. The other girl would hold too much power with it been her aunts flat and her choosing whether or not your dd can go.
It's a lesson learned for your daughter and now she needs to learn that no matter how desperate she is for something she never needs to go begging on bended knee to someone she's already apologised to.

Can she make other plans?

She’s uninvited her, not responded and then blocked her. I think she’s made it pretty clear. I definitely wouldn’t be contacting them again, she’s an adult.

I hope her treatment is going ok but as for this holiday, she needs to forget about and try to concentrate on something else.

She doesn’t have that many friends. The one or two other friends she has have all just started working. And it’s more about the exclusion from the other two girls aswell.

Sorry , think you need to write off the cost of the flights and make other plans.

I can totally understand where you’re coming from OP but the girl couldn’t have made the fact she doesn’t want your DD there. Maybe she could talk to to other girls separately and let them know that’s she would love to catch up.

If her other friends are working, has she thought of getting a job?

Your poor DD, that must be horrid.

I don't think she can go with them - even if they're persuaded to let her come with them they're unlikely to be friendly and your DD will have a miserable week.

Could you (or someone else) go with her and have a separate holiday in Barcelona? This close to travel, there might be some last minute hotel deals.

I think you have to accept that DD can’t go (unless you hear from the girl obviously) - she can’t insist on staying there if she’s not welcome, and you've asked the mum twice now.

What are your options with the flight? Can it be changed so you don’t lose the money? Maybe plan a family weekend away instead if that’s possible?

She’s spoken to the other girls and they want her to go and have spoken to the other girl but she won’t budge. My daughter just finished a course and it out most days with her c.v. I’m just worried that this kind of incident might start off her anorexia again or something worse.

I agree with the possibly find a flight and go with her idea. Lots of grown up chic things, let her choose things to do so she feels independent and confident.

She’s done the right and good thing by apologizing and reaching out, after that there’s nothing she can do if other girl is insisting on not letting it go. Let her know you are proud of her and some people are just immature and don’t know that it’s important to forgive, accept apologies and let go. Maybe the other girl will get over it, but she’s done all she can now so it’s ok for her not to worry about it for now and just give it time.

It’s good that the other girls want her there, that means friendships will be intact and she won’t lose them. Encourage her to keep her contact with them but without getting into complaining, rise above and all, send them a message saying have fun if she doesn’t go with them etc. The girls will appreciate that I would hope as your DD will clearly be the adult who is kind and not causing trouble now. So they’ll hopefully stay closer and appreciate that.

Lots of posters saying she needs to move on from this and take it as a life lesson, albeit a bit of a hard one.

Jus to wondering what you’ve decided to do.

I’ve no choice but to move on. Gutted. Thought there might be an evil genius with a better solution. So disappointed that any parent would let their child act this way.

It has made me rack my brain for an alternative though, so I got my daughter to arrange an interview in a pub in the sea side village where Ive spent all my summers growing up. I’m driving her down there today. They give you a room and board and some pay and hopefully she’ll make new friends and get into way more trouble there than she ever wouldve in Barcelona. (Especially if she’s anything like her mother!!)

Thanks for the advice:)

Will you be ok with her living away Ochy? Will she be able to drink if she’s on Prozac?

I’ll be fine with her gone. I’ve another 3 to keep me busy. And she’s only an hour and a half away. Going down next week ourselves for a week. She has drunk on Prozac already. She’s very careful about herself. Knows when to stop and not a huge drinker. She has experienced one or two bad hangovers though.