Boarding school DS14 and party - am I too precious?

[TheBlessedCheesemaker]

He’s just finished his first year of weekly boarding at school and had been invited by boarding friend to a party in London (80 miles away). He plans to get train (first time ever), get across London (first time ever), go to party/sleepover then come home by himself the next day. Too mortified to ask his mate for the mum’s number so I can call her to check details and has declared he’d rather die than have me drive him there and then collect him at midnight or something. Says I am totally out of touch.
Party host is very streetwise but softy son isn’t. There will be vaping and drink, I am sure, and I am fairly sure that party boy will organise weed - DS has said they plan to spend part of evening ‘in the park’ (and it won’t be to play on the swings).

Am I wrong to put my foot down on this one?

How old is he?

I would say no. As a minimum you need to speak to the Mum. Personally any risk of drugs I'd say no. Good luck!

Travel plans are fine. I wouldn't be happy with the weed.

The train journey wouldn't bother me but hanging around a park with weed and booze and staying away all night so you can't even see what state he gets into would worry me. 14 is too young for that. Actually any age isn't good for aimless park hanging. I've always tried to discourage that in mine, easier said than done though!

Hmmm travelling 80 miles to spend the night sat in a park smoking weed,

That's a tough one. Not.

Hah! No.

Firstly it doesn’t sound as if he’s familiar with travelling in London. Is he?

Secondly if he’s young enough to be embarrassed by your having details or thinking it through with him then he’s too young to be doing this.

Thirdly if you’re too scared of the other parents (or your DS?) to contact them pre-party then how will you be able to communicate with them if anything goes wrong.

Fourthly, well organised teen parties don’t happen in random parks.

Fifthly, all the rest. Far too much talking big from him and the party boy. Really hope you’ve been keeping a firm eye on what’s happening at school day to day ...

There have been lots of recent incidents at DCs school of parties going badly wrong. All involved teens of this age, alcohol and weed leading to one boy being badly beaten up, a girl having to have her stomach pumped and someone being hit by a car.

So for me OP that would be a big fat no.

The fact that he hasn’t travelled on his own before or across London would be enough for me to say no. Not because I think London is generally a scary place but having teens and living by a Tube line, they still needed coaching through how to plan the journey, do changes, understand train directions etc and had lots of experience of being on the tube before independent travel. The party sounds questionable too!

Nope from me and you are not being precious op.

It doesn't sound like there is going to be much parental involvement at all tbh.

As for the rest; everything Gruach said!

Thanks all. I felt I wasn't being unreasonable at all, but I can show all your replies to my son to demonstrate it's not just me. DS thinks that because he isn't into vaping or weed (true: he is on a sports scholarship and obsessed with health, and also subject to drug tests) then he thinks he won't get into trouble and because he is tall and strong and unlikely to be challenged, he thinks it it will all be ok and he will be fine; in reality if there is any trouble he is the person all his friends will hide behind.
Saying that, I could just let him go; the chances of him actually finding his way across London and reaching the party without getting lost are probably close to zero.

Oh, and Gruach: yes, we do keep very firm eye on him at school (with help of friends who are housemasters there); This kind of thing is very difficult though because the environment makes them all feel grown-up, and there are kids there who travel in from Africa and the Far East by themselves who are super street-wise and mature, so it's quite a tricky route to negotiate through. I do know that quite a few of his contemporaries are being allowed to go to this party, and I may well be the only one insisting on speaking to the parents first. So be it.

im quite a laid back parent.
its a hell no from me.
quite sweet that he has been so up front about it though.

DS was also a sports scholar at a boarding school. Any parties he was invited to, however, always involved an email from the organising parent, with detail about the party and what was involved. Mobile phone numbers were always exchanged in case there was a problem. I was really reassured by the level of supervision outlined. The parents usually outlined how much alcohol if any they were providing and who would be available on site to support. They also called parents to collect anyone who had over imbibed - there was someone at each party who overdid it, and had to be collected/taxi'd home. And yes, it was ds1 once.

He's 14! There will be loads more parties to come. If you were inclined to let him go I would be insisting on an email address for the parents, and looking into where I could meet him/insisting on a lift home.

(Or you could, of course, book a twin room in a youth hostel nearby, have a night out in London yourself and then he only has to get back as far as the Youth Hostel.)

Best of luck.

First of all, I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable - the party sounds like a disaster looking for a coastline.

With respect to this though:

Too mortified to ask his mate for the mum’s number so I can call her to check details and has declared he’d rather die than have me drive him there and then collect him at midnight or something. Says I am totally out of touch.

He's probably not being that unreasonable either. Most of the parents probably won't think to check with the host's mum, they're certainly unlikely to consider driving to drop and collect (and their dc would consider it social suicide). When you go to boarding school, you change (most cases, maybe not all), you have to be more independent and you rapidly get used to your parent's not being your primary authority figures. At 14 I wouldn't have even thought to tell my parents about the party; if I wasn't due to be at their house that weekend they wouldn't have known I was going anywhere and if I was due to be there I'd have made the arrangements and let them know I was going to a friends house.

Clearly you have more contact than I did with my parents, but many of his friends probably don't. From that perspective, he may well (rightly or wrongly) see you as being out of touch.

When you go to boarding school, you change (most cases, maybe not all), you have to be more independent and you rapidly get used to your parent's not being your primary authority figures.

So not my experience! Either in the past or right now. Parties organised around 14 year old boarders invariably involve a massive degree of parental communication, shared travel, parents meeting up and full exchange of all available information. It absolutely wouldn’t be happening in the way the OP’s son wants.

If all the other parents really are as slack as reported - well they’re just weird. (And OP, I’m speaking from the point of view of close experience of full boarding schools with a strong cohort of wealthy international students as well as the London set.)

It is a full boarding school (but we do weekly boarding owing to sports commitments) and all the previous parties have involved the mums doing pretty much all the organising; the party host just seems to be a little out of step with what I'm used to.
DS seems to oscillate between the type of kids that I'm used to, an academic group, a sporty group, and now an 'edgy' group. And of course it is these edgy kids that are getting together. Have told DS that I have no problem being that mum and he will simply have to suck it up; will definitely show him this thread when I see him next. (he will also be mortified about the thread of course).

DD15 is a weekly boarder. Can't see what Boarding status has fo to with though? Its a bog standard parental decision and there no way I'd be letting her go to this party.

Travel there solo across London - OK.

Party hosted by unknowns openly involving drugs - Hell no

Travel home solo across. London - No, parental collection only.

Creme - I’d assume the difference is that day school friends are local - so no longer distance travel involved and a greater possibility that friends might be in and out of each other’s houses fairly often. Fewer unknown elements for parents to contend with. Does that seem reasonable?

No not really. With weekly boarders they often don't all live that far away. I think most secondary school parents would say that they don't know the parents of their child's friends.

Anyway, it's not the travel that is the big sticking point here it's the lack of supervision and potential for drugs at the party.

I am also extra suspicious of arrangements where they are not keen on you getting on contact with the friends parents. This can mean that the party hosts parents have no idea what has been planned and/ or they are not going to be home on the night in question. Parental contact is a must for me I don’t care how embarrassing they find it.

Have been texting DS and he has finally caved; have now got mum's number and admission that I'm not the only mum 'kicking up'.

Only reason I mentioned boarding is that DS is surrounded by people who fly in and out of the UK by themselves and kids who travel up and down the country by themselves, so it's quite difficult for me to gauge when I'm being reasonable (still won't let him get the train, though).

Thanks for all the comment, everyone; good to know my head didn't need a wobble.

Great that you’ve made progress!

I do think this summer might be a good time for him to start getting experience in travelling on the train and tube independently. In two years time he might be wanting to go to festivals with friends. In four years he could be off travelling the world solo.

If no parent is involved in the communication then I doubt the party will even happen