DS16 - social life & friends

[Teenmum98]

DS16 has just finished GCSEs. I'm just a bit worried about his lack of social life and wondering whether I'm overthinking.

For the last couple of years he was hanging around with the "cool" crowd at school. He was going to the usual teen parties which involved alcohol and most likely other illicit substances. But we weren't keen on him drinking at this age so let him go but always picked him up afterwards and made it clear we didn't expect him to drink. As far as I know he only drank a lot on one occasion.

This year his social life seems to have disappeared. I put it down to GCSEs but he hasn't gone to anything since the end of exams (even though I know there have been parties) and last night told us he would rather go to bed early (to get up in time for a sport thing today) as than go to a local party.

He doesn't seem to have any close friends. He doesn't seem to be interested in girls and once said he thought he was bisexual, so not sure if this is a factor too.

He is bright, sporty and not overtly shy. But he just seems a bit lonely to me and I'm not sure whether I should ask him if he's ok or not.

I wouldn't worry too much at this point. I well remember phases of my life as a young teen and indeed, right up until I was 22, having periods of solitude.

I think that as long as he is happy with this, that it's probably ok.

He's attending his sports...and choosing to go to bed reasonably in order to do that....which is a good thing.

It's funny you mentioned the part about his sexuality because before I even read that section, I wondered if he was having some personal issues of that ilk.

The reason I thought that was that because he HAS been part of the "in crowd" and then chosen not to be, there could be a deeper "soul searching" going on for him.

Do you usually chat to him about things? It's always good to ask them how their day was...and ask open ended questions which can't be brushed off with yes or no.

Try to offer plenty of opportunities for him to open up, tell him you love him and reassure him in that way that you're there for him no matter what.

Thanks ajas.

I suppose I can't work out whether he has taken himself out of the "in-crowd" on purpose or whether they have excluded him for whatever reason.

He has also opted to do NCS this summer which none of his "friends" are doing and after initially telling me it was a bit nerdy.

It may be that he is searching for a new tribe of his own volition but part of me is worried that he has felt he couldn't really join in with the risky behaviours and blames us for setting stricter boundaries than other parents. So maybe its more about me wondering wheher we did the right thing rather than him feeling sad.

We do chat about stuff but mainly his sports or recently his school work, not much about feelings. I think I'm not very good at starting that kind of conversation but also, teen boys aren't the greatest at responding.

Has anyone had any experience of getting their DS to talk about this kind of thing to them?

If he felt he shouldn't join in with drinking and risky behaviour then you've done a good job.

Sometimes, the in-crowd are idiots and some kids...the sensible ones who are often the same ones to go on and be successful, work this out faster than most.

I have teen girl...so that's obviously very different to a teen boy, but my best friend has a teen boy and she's always encouraged open discussion with him by asking him about what he's watching on Netflix or what games he's playing...then talking about those.

Good idea - we do actually watch Love Island together if I wanted to broach the subject of relationships .

Thanks for the parenting complement - its such a fine line to tread with teens and a lot of my friends have different views to me so I've been feeling a bit isolated about it.

You sound like you are doing an excellent job. I have a 19 ds and I found once he had made a decision on what he saw as his future, he too seemed to take a step back from some of his group of friends. Simply a matter of self preservation as he saw them going down a path he didn't want to follow (his career requires drug testing on a regular basis and even being around people smoking weed too much would get him thrown out).

Thanks angelica. I'm hoping this is what has happened and that maybe he can strike off in a different direction with friends through doing NCS and when he goes into 6th form. He's staying on at the same school but there will be new people and some of the old people will be leaving.

Also, at about this age, some of the kids pair off...romance blossoms and they quickly drop their social group. Perhaps some have coupled-up and if they were the organising types, it's likely nobody else will bother to sort meet-ups out.