Trying to understand what's happening to my son

[Appleandbanana123]

My son is 19, but it all started in his mid-teens: he struggle to establish a connection between effort and reward. Every single parents evening I had to listen to his frustrated teachers (rightly so) saying how bright he was but how little effort he was putting into his work. Slowly, the same attitude applied to his sports (he used to love his rugby and swimming) and pretty much everything else. The one exception: his paper rounds and later on his paid part-time work outside school.

So over the years, his school grades got slightly lower each time (still above national average) and he was literally doing just enough to get by. He got a number of A* on GCSEs with almost no revision and wrongly thought that he could do the same with his A-levels.

With a bunch of Bs, Cs and Ds, DS then decided to move into a house owned by a friend's parents and house-share with two mates. He paid himself for to re-sit his A-levels but then failed to turn up for them these past week. He's working full-time in an admin job (an admin apprenticeship) and his outgoing are really low (token gesture, a fraction of what he'd be paying in a normal arrangement), so he's just loving it: all this freedom, nobody on his back and money coming in.

We have fallen out a number of times as I can't comprehend where it's all gone so wrong and why he lacks motivation or desire to succeed. He can't possibly be oblivious to the fact that most of his mates, including his best friend are now finishing their first year at uni while he's in his little bubble.

Then he didn't bother turning up on Mother's Day, skipped lunch on Easter Sunday because he was hungover and still hasn't bothered to give me my birthday present (which was over 2 months ago). In fact, we got him a bag of goodies (t-shirts etc) from a recent trip to America and I ended up giving it to the friend's mum as I found it really upsetting to see it sitting there. Well, not as much as a 'thank you' message. So not only is he systematically shutting every door in his own face but he's also turning into some not very nice person whom I don't recognise...

Apple, you sound like a brilliant mum. Glad the comments helped and really hope you get a proper, warm catch-up with your son soon.

A friends son was much the same as your DS. He was the class clown and managed to scrape through school by the skin of his teeth. He was a very likeable chap but could not see how academic qualifications could possibly be of any use to him. He too left home early and lived in questionable circumstances with friends who had similar outlooks. His parents were driven mad by his choices but couldnt do anything to affect them.

However. Once he started living a proper adult life , taking part time jobs and seeing the salary differences between those who had completed higher/further education and those who didnt made him reevaluate his lifestyle. He knuckled down and paid for himself to go to evening classes to increase his a level grades. Then he did open university . He took a job with a good company that have encouraged him upwards and he is now a partner in that company and doing very well.
It just took him longer than his peers to understand how it all worked.

My son was pretty much the same, gifted, didn't have to work, got by on what he knew. Turned down an offer for Cambridge and went to work in Local Government instead. School bored him, he was bored of studying and so he chose his own path. It might not have been the path I chose for him but at 18 he was an adult and could choose for himself.
He's almost 30 now and very successful, he earns more than all his friends who took the conventional route. He has a degree and a Masters (he didn't have to work very hard for either) funded by his employer and is tipped for the top.
Work fulfils him where studying never did and he works and plays hard and enjoys the respect this brings him.
Your son has chosen the path that works for him and you have to respect that choice tbh. I admit turning down Cambridge took some swallowing but I think I would have lost him if I didn't support him. Just accept his choice because really you have no other choice and your relationship is more important than any pre conceived idea of how he should live his life.

Yep mine was very bright but lazy, the class clown. He scraped into uni quite unenthusiastically then realised he loved it and put in an effort to stay there. He has a decent degree and a good job now at 24 but he was bright enough to do anything really.

And its a shameful thing to admit, but the only reason I backed off him and didn't do irreparable damage to our relationship was that my friend tragically lost her son and I had it brought home to me to appreciate him as he was.

Tinkly Ds's best friend died soon after his eighteenth birthday whilst they were in sixth form. It made it much easier to prioritise our relationship over anything else tbh. I'm so glad I did though because he's a lovely son and we are very close.

Ah we are so fortunate aren't we flesh? There but for the grace of God....

Tinkly yes so very lucky. Ds still, twelve years later, takes the anniversary of his friend's death off work to take flowers to the grave and visit his Mum and sister. I might not have raised a Cambridge graduate but I did raise a kind and compassionate man and that is more than good enough for me.

Op you really have got to be proud of your son for what he can and is doing, not what he hasn't done and please stop comparing him with his peer group, he will make his own life, as others have said.

My DD, just 18, had many health problems when younger, including hearing problems, scraped GCSEs and went on to a Business BTEC. She had to re sit English Language GCSE last year, having missed it by two marks. It was her last chance on old syllabus, and required her to re do her coursework in a short period of time, which in turn caused her to take her eye off the ball in Business.

She has just finished BTEC, we think with Merits but not confirmed till summer. She is having a gap year to decide what to do next, although I doubt it will be uni.

I am disappointed that she probably won't experience uni, as our DS has done, and think ruefully of those missed 2 marks in her English, what difference it may have made. However, I also know that she is immature for her age and that she wouldn't cope with uni in the immediate future.

Like a pp, I can also see that my DD thrives on work in the way that she didn't with studying. I first saw it a year ago, after a few days work experience, she was coming home a different person to the one who came home from college. She then had an xmas job, and is now back with same retailer, planning to work for part of gap year whilst volunteering locally and then hopefully volunteer/travel abroad. She has a variety of ideas for gap year, is a young Guide leader and has been on Guide trips abroad and gets a buzz from earning her own money and being able to run a car. She is a fiesty young lady that we are proud of, regardless of what the future brings.

Interestingly, our neighbour, who has 2 very bright boys, a year below each of mine, and is pretty damning about university being non-negotiable, is desperate for her eldest, almost 20, to have a summer job now uni finished. However, she is also very snobby about retail work, implying it is below her son, who hasn't done a days work in his life! I think she expected him to walk into a proper summer job, but he has very little motivation from what I can see. My DD might not be as academic as her son, but she has a great work ethic, which is a massive plus in the current climate.

I do wonder what she will do, but am making a real effort not to nag her, but to let her work it all out for herself. I can see that nagging will just push her away.

Like Tinky and Fresh, we have also recently had a tragedy, in our case a young relative, that brought home to me how short life can be and how precious our children are.

I want to keep DD close to us, not push her away, so that we can still do things together and she wants to spend time with us. As Tinky said...There but for the grace Of God

I was similar to your son, very bright and sailed through GCSEs without any revision.

I put my failure down to A) not believing that I’d actually have to work at A levels and then getting a shock when I didn’t pass without revising, I feel if I’d been stretched a bit more from the beginning of secondary school I would’ve had the work ethic and B) my parents insisted I had to get a job as soon as I was 16 and as soon as I got hold of a tiny bit of cash of my own I wanted more, I couldn’t see that if I studied hard I’d earn more in the long run, everything was about the here and now.

I deeply regret my choices now but I was able to go to uni when I was older.

I think he sounds lovely and you should be proud of him and what he has achieved. There are lots of areas that don’t require traditional academic qualifications. You say he is very articulate and well spoken and has a lot of natural ability, he sounds extremely capable. I used to go to lunch with my sons individually every couple of weeks when they were that age. I can really recommend this if it is possible, even meet him for a sandwich to see how he is doing. Make the effort to find out what his hopes and dreams are. As others have said he is doing well to be supporting himself. I think we can all expect too much but the world is a very different place for our youngsters and there is very little job security no matter what academic qualifications you have.

Is it realistic to expect that every single person should strive hard to pursue a goal? Are there even enough goals out there? Doesn't the world need just a few honest workers who do a decent job of what they do without constantly striving to push ahead? Aren't there enough of such jobs that need doing? And should any of us feel ashamed if our children end up doing them?

"But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs."

Yes cory - as George Eliot wrote in 1871. Hopefully the world does still need some honest workers to do the jobs that need doing.

I honestly used to think that the best thing for my kids to have a good life was to be high achievers academically. And having a lazy DS drove me crazy. I was always on his back. We had a really poor relationship.

Now I think the best gift you can give your kid is a secure and loving family, the absolute sense that they are loved unconditionally. Because if they are self confident and happy, everything else just falls into place.

I get on really well with DS now. I still have to bite my tongue quite frequently, but things are much better.

Be thankful you appear to have a normal 19 yr old. We have been to hell and back over the past 4 yrs with our DS who is 18 in October. Short story went downhill at 14 wrong crowd, smoking, drugs went from a A-B with a couple of C predictions, member of local swimming club and playing Guitar to coming away with 3 GCSE's grade C giving up music and stopping any form of exercise at 16 in amongst all this police, social services involvement, arrested for buying Cocaine but no joy he continued on his path of F* IT I will do what I want. He spent a yr at college doing a Media level 3 course equiv to 4 GCSE grade C so I am told and resitting his English GCSE (awaiting results) but still continued to bunk off and miss lessons every week he was there with no regard for anyone else. Now working as a Barista doing the most unsociable hours, still mixing with undesirables. We resided to the fact at the beginning of the year that he will need to learn from his mistakes when he is ready, he was put on a University Path at school but no matter how hard you try some DS and DD will not conform to what you want. We have told our DS he has to leave when he is 18 which is just over 4 months away, I cannot wait for that day when it comes. He is aware he has to go, I will not miss him in the slightest and have also reiterated once he goes to never come back (this may sound harsh) but it is warranted. Maybe one day he may look book and regret the many chances he has been given and try and turn his life around or maybe he will continue to be one of the people you want to avoid in the street who knows. I did not get a card for Mothers Day which did not bother me or was more of relief as then I would have to have some dialogue with him which I do not want. As for buying him stuff don't do it, I stopped that a long time ago. If my Son has money to spend on cigarettes, drugs then he can pay his own way in life including the clothes on his back. All I can say is as other posters have done on here your Son sounds completely normal I for one would swap with you instant.

I can't comprehend where it's all gone so wrong and why he lacks motivation or desire to succeed. He can't possibly be oblivious to the fact that most of his mates, including his best friend are now finishing their first year at uni while he's in his little bubble.

Bumping this thread to post a comment on this

This is a great example of the absence of parental boundaries.
There is over investment in your hopes, disparagement of his attainments, a tone that reveals a lot of anger, and inability to see your DS as a separate human being with hopes, dreams, and a mind of his own.

The rest of your complaints about your DS are great examples of reaping what you sow.