Is it ever a good idea to move schools because your child has no friends

[Monkee4]

Daughter 13 at a girls school. Struggled with friendships for the last 3 years. Very minimal contact with anyone outside school despite us trying to encourage and organise as well. She is funny and kind but youngest in the class. She tends to be disorganised and forgetful but apart from that we seriously don't know what to do to help her. She has been to counselling as she is very low and we were worried about her. What do you think - does it ever help this kind of situation moving schools or will it be the same for her and then worse if you know what I mean. Very very sad for her tonight. Lots of tears :(((

We had a long drive and a long chat this afternoon and she was upset but has said that there are some nice girls in another group she is going to try to get to know and she is going to forget about the others! hurrah lets hope so! We spoke about moving schools and she said that she just wants to try for 2 more weeks - so I said ok.

Hope it all goes ok for your DD OP. Girls are just horrible at this age and from the sounds of things even their mums are involved in cliques at this school. Good for her for persisting and trying to make it work.

Good on her for trying, OP. I guess you can do some digging in the background as to other schools that might be better for her in the long term?

Hi yes I am very proud of her for trying. Silent tears rolling down her cheeks as she is trying so so hard to be brave. I will do some digging around about schools in the long term. I just wanted to thank the OP for recommending that book The Asperkid's Secret book of Social Rules.
I ordered it and it came today. Only read a few pages but EVERYONE should have a copy. Not just people who are Aspergers. It is brilliant!
When I go into school on Wednesday I am going to suggest they buy several copies for the school library. Can't recommend it highly enough. School are getting their knickers in a twist now I have said we might be leaving.

I wouldn’t move her. My daughter is in y10!l and I moved her this year. It started off well but she now has absolutely no friends and is desperately seeking attention in really extreme ways. I wish I could turn back the clock but am just hoping she gets through y11 without too much more drama

How’s it been this week?
It’s hard. DD has struggled with friendships too and I’ve never found school are that bothered unless bullying is occurring (not been a problem for dd in secondary at least) so really the onus has to be on the child at this age. I was similar too and I found my friends out of school - tried a few clubs etc until one ‘clicked’ - maybe in those days it was easier pre-internet as people wanted to meet others’ etc.
I thought DD was going to leave after GCSEs but she intends to go into the sixth form - her few friends - half a dozen ‘proper’ ones at a push are staying and in a way it would’ve been more of a gamble for her to move - although if she does very well on results day the option could be there to move still. Moving means gambling, but I think you need to let your dd make the decision.

Thanks for your suggestions and messages. So sorry Janandem that things didn't work out. It sounds like your DD may be stronger than you think. I keep being told that perhaps they are better at coping with these things than we think. But if your DD is like mine she does a good job covering up her emotions and it comes out in bad behaviour at home and a complete lack of interest in anything other than her phone. If your DD wants to stay on and has some friends then that is great progress for her. Witnessed DD at school event last week and I went home in floods of tears. She just seemed so lonely and lost and seemed to have no one who wanted to be with her. She followed others around but looked utterly miserable. I just worry she wouldn't cope in a new school but nothing ventured I suppose.

I moved mine because she said she had no friends but now she would do anything to go back. Her behaviour is now spiralling out of control but it is too late to do anything. I love her so much but she is making such a mess of her life and it is breaking my heart.

So sorry for you and your DD is there no possibility of going back or do you think it wouldn’t help

No she is going into y11 and I don’t think they would even consider taking her

I was moved four times as I had no friends. My parents should have told me to change not change schools. I was a precocious know it all who didn't know how to interact with children my own age. I had no friends until I reached high school and even then I still had issues. Because of this I still have issues making friends and think they are only my friends for every reason under the sun instead of them liking me for me.

You have just summed up my daughter in a nut shell. Running away won’t change who she is. She always wants to be better than everyone else and puts people down. She can’t accept that people might actually like her. She has invented a persona and now she doesn’t even know who she is.

I agree it is very difficult negotiating the social rules - the asperger kids secret book of social rules was an eye opener to me and you would think at my age I would understand them all. Don't be hard on your daughter for putting people down - that's a teenage thing - they all do it - it is partly hormones and remember even if they appear to know it all they really don't. They still need lots of love (hard at times believe me I know!) I clashed with my mum in my teenage years and it was a very lonely and scarring time for me. I had no one to tell I was scared or unhappy - I kept up a pretense with the group I hung around with - they still meet to this day and I avoid them and their get togethers like the plague. Only brings back painful memories of the person I was then and I have nothing in common with them.

Hi OP have just found yr thread after another sad morning with my 13 yr old son. He's generally a kind kid doesn't have any sn but is bright (not right up there but in some top sets) plods but gets there eventually iykwim. (just for background) He had a small group of friends but they are being horrible to him everyday. He can be how Ivydescribed herself and I'm wondering if thats part of the problem. I managed to get him counselling but he refused to go.

He has become very negative about the situation
He says he often walks round at lunchtime on his own and others say things like no one likes you and you've got no friends. It breaks my heart. Sounds awful but I think it might be him but he won't listen to any advice I try to offer. The group of friends he has don't invite him to things they do and make arrangements infront of him. Suggested he say can he come along but he says thats rude. Has asked them if they want to do anything out of school but they say no. The main friend he had (used to see every weekend) now sees other kids out if school. I'm heartbroken for him esp as the summer holidays will be awful for him. He keeps saying he is lonely. He has been in a few clubs before but the friendships didn't progress out of those times. I'm so worried about him. He would also like to move school but think he will take his problems there. Sorry for long post just wanted to speak to others in similar situ. Sitting here with tears in my eyes.

Might try that book u suggested OP.

OP my DD is 13 and not had the best time at Secondary either. I have suggested moving schools many times but she won’t entertain this. So I had to drop it.
She had a bad time in year 6 with friendships and met two girls over the summer from another class at her primary who were going to the same secondary. At first I thought they were lovely and she was so happy and had a blast July to the February of year 7. Then bingo they socially ostracized her, still try and meddle in any new friendships she tries to make etc.
My DD also bottles things up and won’t tell me much. She says she sits with two girls from her form on a lunch time but she seems to know very little about them, never sees anyone out of school (other than at football training). Other than that she has dyslexia is quite young for her age, she has no hobbies no real interests other than dogs and very little conversation and probably much in common with other girls who seem heavily into boys, their looks and trying to impress.
I feel so sorry for her I have suggested she asks x and or y if they want to go into town go swimming or do something on Saturday or if they want to come round for tea have a sleepover but she just says no. I have suggested she join after school clubs, netball, sewing classes or have a look to see if their is anything else she fancies. The mean girls from primary school volunteer in the library and are quietly still mean so she hates that. She was in the guides but packed in earlier this year. I give her a lift to school most mornings and evenings and other days she walks on her own. I work part time and most nights i am not working it’s what shall we do or where shall we go tonight Mum and the same on a weekend. Unless their is a miracle she won’t see any friends her own age all summer holidays. She met two nice girls on holiday abroad last year both were a school year younger. It’s lovely I get to spend more time with her on one hand but hard work on the other.
I also worry about her. I have tried to get her more interested in her clothes, hygenine and her overal appearance. Her hair is brushed properly now on School days but that’s about it.
I know from her older brother at 13 they all organise their own social lives and other kids would think it weird if her mum intervened. All my friends daughters are in their late teens early 20’s as I am an older mum, she has one female cousin 18 months older but she has always behaved as if she was too cool for school and put DD down since she was about 3. I feel your pain OP.

NameDisguise - my DD often lashes out at me verbally and one of the things she says is go away Mum no one likes you no one wants you here and I suspect she heard that a lot at school. I contacted the school last year and they weren’t very helpful and it’s difficult for them to police. DD won’t admit that people are still mean to her but I think they are.

smelly It's so hard isn't it? I know kids have always been rotten to eachother but it's rubbish when it's continuously to the same person. Schools can't keep an eye on everyone I know and kids do it covertly. Eish they would just notice when a child looks miserable. Blame myself that somehow I have failed him. Also is an only child but that was out of my control as couldn't have any more (miscarried loads) but still feel bad about that. The guilt id immense.

smelly wondering if yr dd would be better making friends with the year below? Girls seem to grow up quick these days but if she's the youngest maybe when she catches up hormones wise maybe everything will fall into place for her? - hope so.

Just seem some reviews about the aspergers handbook seems to be mostly aimed at girls. Does anyone know of a book non aspergers that helps with teenage boy friendships please? Everything I have found has pictures if girls on the front.

OP I know exactly how this feels and it is so upsetting as a parent.
My DD went to a girls school in year 7 and became a different person, she cried every night. At primary she seemed to mix in lots of groups but never had best friends. In Y7 I kept waiting for her to settle but she didn't seem to make any friends. One night through tears she told me she was alone at break/lunch, no bullying and school said they had no concerns. It was awful to watch her so upset.

I took a huge leap of faith, moved house (rental agreement was up for renewal) and moved her into a mixed school. The change in her is unbelievable, she is much more herself and is out all the time with different groups of friends. She says the girls school was very 'cliquey and bitchy', and at the mixed school everyone just gets on.

You have my sympathy, its tough, I had sleepless nights for months and constantly worried about her.

NameDisguise - I think many of the year 7’s are ahead of her in terms of interest in boys, focusing on appearance/looks etc. Also the years don’t mix. DD is very tall for her age, has boobs and started her periods last summer (but in denial about it all) so no catching up to do that way). She is at a very large mixed comp and it sounds as cliquey and bitchy as Dilly says her DD’s girls school was.

Mine is at large mixed comp too but some mix of boys/ girls. I went to all girls large comp and still cliquey there but eventually found a group of 4 of us that met at lunch. Girls can be fickle but think boys as bad these days? It's just crap isn't it. I feel so useless in this issue.

Yes. Definitely. It's a bad idea not to.

I also bought Asperkid (secret) book of social rules. Brilliant book. Has DD read the book op?

Move without a doubt . My daughter is the same age , and I could have written your post two months ago. She was so unhappy . We got her into another school in April where she knew no one at all , and she's like a changed kid . Happy , confident , and with a nice circle of friends . So much so I hardly saw her over the weekend . My only regret is that I left it so long .