Emotional and manipulative behaviour sending me to the edge of sanity

[Sophionaliv]

I have 3 DD's aged 15-17-19.
One at school, one dropped out of first year of A levels and waiting to start college again in September, Eldest just finished college and got a zero hour contract job in a hotel bar that has nothing to do with her qualification.
Their father walked out just over 2 years ago, he could never deal with their teenage girlie problems so is more than useless now.
For years they have clung on to the trend of mental illness. I have actually suffered with depression since a very young age, but it is something that I have tried to keep to myself and not make apparent to those around me. So I am also not sure if this is a case of monkey see, monkey do.
For years I have been told by all of them that they too have depression as well as a number of other mental ailments. I've dealt with borderline anorexia, then she gained so much weight she was probably 3 stone overweight has lost lots now but I can see that she is actually 'trying' to go down the anorexia route again. The same DD claims to have social anxiety and cant even talk to a receptionist, but will go to a party where she barely knows anyone and joins in, this is the girl who claims to have no friends. She will say she has insomnia but sleeps all day, new one is she has ptsd over dad leaving. Both her and my youngest have self harmed and not 100% sure that isn't happening right now.

They have a tendency to use mental illness as an excuse for being lazy or talking to me like dirt. I am a fully qualified counsellor and it might come across as harsh but I don't believe them about most of the mental issues. I have not said this aloud to them and as far as they are aware I try my hardest to help them through all of their problems. It's like the issues only become apparent when it suits them, like I said the middle DD sometimes will not even order her own food at a take out, but then will go to places with people she doesn't know and mingle and party without a single problem, it doesn't add up. Its when they want to manipulate me. But how do I stop this as I cannot say I don't believe them, because they get all angry and upset as it is when I 'don't understand' that they are feeling too low to clean their own mess, or go to work.

I also have fibromyalgia but again try my hardest to control it. And even on days when they can clearly see that I am in much pain they do not clear up after themselves without me having to ask and nag, even then its not done properly.
They have left me feeling like a big bag of poo all weekend after a huge confrontation over their lack of help or support in the family home. This wasn't done in a yelling manner, it was calm and collect telling them how I felt. This was after I had taken myself away from the situation and driven to a secluded country area and sat all Sunday evening crying alone for hours.
I tried the reverse empathy approach and told them how alone and unsupported I felt and that this left me feeling like no one cares.
What happened, they turned it back on me. Told me that I make them feel like a burden, when I asked how the answer was because I sometime give off a big sigh when asked for yet another lift, sometimes I have driven them all three of them to 2 or 3 different places already that day, hence the sigh. And I was told that my anger is not warranted over a bit of mess. And that I make them feel like I don't like them because I get angry at them for it. And if I try to say how much I actually do for them, they act like I am sympathy seeking, or want a medal. I want neither just some damn consideration and thought would be nice. They are very intelligent girls and have such quick comebacks and stick together in it too, that I just cant argue my point, come away feeling like maybe I was unreasonable, but after talking it out with adults realise that they have just emotionally manipulated me yet again! One friend yesterday after hearing it all told me that they are actually abusing me!!! At a total loss, middle DD still not even talking to me (nice way to treat the person who has done everything in her power to help you every step of the way and spent the last 2 days in deep sadness, but hey) but I am not pandering to her and just letting her get on with it. My sister is coming to stay with me on Friday as she could see just how badly this has effected me and I was 2 steps away from being committed, so hopefully having her here will help me but any ANY advice on how to treat what is such a volatile situation would be appreciated. The tough love approach doesn't work, I just end up worrying that they are going to cut themselves or worse!

Apologies for any grammar/spelling, typing in an emotional pent up rush.

Can I just add. I live with Fibromyalgia which causes chronic pain and extreme fatigue, but I never use this as an excuse. I work part time as a mobile hairdresser, then spend the rest of my time running the home, cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping and so on, you know the drill, and supporting them in everything they do. Running them around, attending meetings, helping with all paperwork, hospital, doctors, CHAMS, school appointments and so on. My day starts at 6.30am and I rarely sit back down until 8pm. I have not set an example that feeling low and tired is an excuse to be lazy.. Today though, I'm being lazy! Sat on my bed with laptop thinking fuck it all!

Hello OP. I’m not going to be much help here because my DC are much younger - I’ve got this to come.

But I wanted to bump in case anyone browsing at lunch could help.

@Churrolicious Thank you very much, was beginning to think it’s not just me who is totally at a loss with all this x

Sophionaliv we have both been posting on the other thread.i feel your situation. Ds has got worse the last two days.

After him rocking up to get stuff to take to his girlfriends last night and pretty much trying to ignore us and stomp around the house I breathed a sigh of relief when he went. He's apparently back fri eve with gf to stay over as I've put foot down and told him she's welcome three nights a week not 24/7 which is how it's been the last month.
Never any conversation about it etc just him assuming we will accommodate another person in our already full house inc feeding showering electric use etc etc.
Got sick to death of it after us getting no time out and creeping around our own house so we politely told him Sunday to pick three nights a week she can stay. Well to say he's behaved like an absolute asshole since is an understatement.

I'm on meds for ptsd and anxiety which is controlled. I also have an autoimmune disease which resulted in emergency surgery a few years ago now and even though my levels are stable too much cortisol stress hormone released in my body over a few days starts the anxiety and jitters up again and I'm feeling very much that way right now.
I went to bed last night raging upset hurt sand disappointed needless to say I didn't sleep much. Add that to a full working week (I'm also a manic hair dresser with a four week waiting list)plus a nearly teenage dd and an 8 yr old and a home to run in really starting to feel myself going the wrong way again.

Says he's not back til fri evening and in the meantime I won't be doing my usual messages like hope you day goes well,drive safe,there's a homemade mea for you in the fridge etc etc.
I'm stepping right back now I have a few days to calm down before Friday.
Once he's back Friday and will be expecting him to apologise face to face like an adult that he is because he has to learn you don't treat people like that in life.
Get angry op. It's a breath of fresh air to suddenly remember your the adult you pay the bills and it's your home.

My ds behaviour is because we've put our foot down and said no more and he does t like it. Your girls are doing the same.

I've shown no reaction other than calm and repeating the rules even if I am raging inside and upset.
They will drag it on for a few days but it will all work out as long as you stand firm.

Gather them all in the kitchen.
Tell them your rules and what you expect them to do.
Don't let them interrupt.
Tell them the consequences if they don't do as asked eg no lifts that week no internet at home for a few days etc etc.

And tell them it's non negotiable. Tell them you are ashamed that they are treating you like a slave and so did respectfully and you will expect an apology from each one ready to start a new slate.

Be firm. You can do it. I'm in the process of it and right now it feels terrible but I can no longer carry on like I was.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I also suspect some teenagers (and adults for that matter) use depression and anxiety as an excuse not to conform to the normal rules/expectations of life. It's a tricky subject but you know your girls.

I would have lost patience a long time ago - especially with stuff like cooking and washing and giving them lifts everywhere. Tell them all that you are available to talk and listen to them whenever they want to talk respectfully to you, but you won't be their skivvy any longer. Spend more time on your own if you can, or out with friends. The atmosphere in your home sounds very toxic and you deserve a break from it whenever you can.

As for useless ex - well he might not be able to deal with "girls problems" but why can't HE give them lifts or go to the occasional school appointment?

@whattheactualbleep. I’m so sorry this is happening to you too. And with your Illness too. I’ve never had it so bad that I needed surgery but there have been time when I could not get out of bed. But thanks to a drug I found and researched I’ve not been that bad in years.
I gave myself the day off today and am currently hiding out up town centre exhausting every coffee shop and bench haha. Had a text from eldest saying she’s been called into work for 3 can I take her, I said no bike there!
As for telling them how it is and being firm, they have this amazing way of turning it back around, even I said not to interrupt they would wait til the end and then tell me how wrong I am and that I have now made them feel like I don’t love them. And as you probably are aware with fibro my brain does not work fast and I often have trouble getting my point across. Also I worry that they will try to harm theirselves for attention. I will show my sister your post when she comes on Friday and maybe she can help to say what is needed. So looks like Friday could be a big day for us both! Good luck with your DS and I hope he has the mind to actually see that he is in the wrong x

@ChristmasTablecloth I have joined a health club that is a gym and spa pool. I had been going there everyday for a swim and a relax on the loungers, steam room etc, sometimes at night and sometimes if I had free time in the day. I e been so low that I couldn’t even bring myself to go since Saturday but I will restart as I know it was good for me. And as for their dad, he moved around 25 mile away and always claimed he wasn’t available when asked to do lifts so they stopped asking. Most of the time it’s cause he’s in the pub!! Lives above one or should I say lives in one. Total waste of space who see them for a couple of hours a month, takes them for pizza or something once or twice a month and of course he’s fab as he doesn’t moan! They definitely do suffer with some kind of abandonment issues due to the nature he left and how some friends/boyfriends have done the same. If it wasn’t for this I would have upped and gone to my sister who lives 200 mile away and told him that he had to have them until I felt ready to come back. But some of the things the girls say make me see that they are actually testing me to see if I would ever leave them. So the one thing I am always adamant at repeating is that ‘I am going nowhere’

(Also on the other thread)
When your sister is there as a supporter, write a simple list of "rules" read it to them and then hand them each a copy and walk away.
Ignore any comments, it's your announcement not theirs.
Then pretty quickly do something nice, offer a cup of tea or movie with popcorn.
Stick to what you have agreed and when they are abusive or rude ignore them and text your sister.
She can then text them expressing her concern and asking them if they could maybe do things differently next time.
This is a very basic form of non violent resistance. Give it a go.

@Ledkr Thank you, I will certainly take everything advised into consideration and will get my sister to read the whole thread when she comes. Their father is actually taking them Saturday to stay in a caravan overnight at his new girlfriends families house. I should be a little pissed off as they have only met her about 2-3 times and why are they meeting her family, but you know what, its some quite time and me and my sister can work on some solutions. This thread will surely be of much help in that. So thank you. By the way, they stayed over with him ONCE the whole of last year, so you can understand why I am pretty happy about them going!

Have you mentioned all of this to the CAMHS worker if they're involved?. Some family Therapy might help everyone think together and figure out what's actually going on here.

Having your sister over Friday is perfect op.
You like me have a few days. Just keep it all in if you can. No shouting moaning asking etc etc anything at all.
Try your hardest even they gritted teeth to be chirpy in the mornings and when they are around you and spend the next cpl of evenings when your in your room making a list of what you expect from them and what you will do for them
So

Tidy their own mess in communal areas as they go.

No dishes towels etc left in rooms. All to be put in dishwasher and in line etc as they use them.

List a few household jobs like emptying dishwasher,hanging out and picking in washing,wiping kitchen down and emptying bins etc.

Then also that as long as they stick to your rules you will over three lifts per week BUT only if they have done as requested beforehand.
Not sticking to the rules will mean no lifts.

Also state that for the next week the internet goes off at 9pm UNTIL they show some respect for you and your home and if they can't do that it will go off half an hour earlier the week after.

It's really hard but stay strong and focused. Don't give them the chance to turn anything around. They have no argument or points to give across. Your house your rules and tell the 19 yr old they will be expected to cook and tidy up at least one night per week from now on as well as getting the younger ones to help with putting the washing on etc.

Pass some responsibility onto them. I'm afraid trying the tact that they make you feel disrespected or sad that they treat you like it will have absolutely no effect as at their ages apathy isn't natural.

I agree with everyone here, list down what you want from them, print off 3 copies
, hand it to them and walk off.

Also list the consequences if they don’t do it.

If they try to emotionally blackmail you, ignore

But you have to stick to it... it will be hellish for a week or two but eventually they will tie the line of you stick to your guns

Sophi there’s some great advice on here... I went on a ‘non violent resistance’ parenting course a while back and some of it does work. (ledkr’s post refers)

And do not engage with them. Ignore their pleading and excuses.
It really is like dealing with toddlers.
I know it’s very hard - take each hour, then each day. You CAN do this.