Prom woes

[DoinItForTheKids]

Ok. So DD 16 has prom in about 10 days or so. Has a BEAUTIFUL dress, she's going to look fab.

Without writing a novel, she's had lots of problems with friendship groups from about yr 9 (she's now yr 11) - the sort of bullying that involves throwing someone out of the friendship group and essentially DD has ended up with just one or two friends from being the one who's always getting the shaft basically. Of the two friends left they are friends and hang out with girls who were previously nasty to DD (involved in the exclusion of DD) - so it has proven impossible for DD to find any girl friends to go with who aren't linked in some way to people who've been horrible to her. Quite rightly she doesn't want to hang with them.

So she also has what up until last night I would have described as a fab boy friend (by which I mean a friend who is a boy) who has actually helped her through some very low points eg when she was losing contact with her dad for example and she's been on the ragged edge of a full emotional breakdown, he's really been there for her and I thought he was fab.

Anyway she finds out accidentally last night through his friend (who she is also friends with, a boy) that he and main boy friend have hired a car to take them to prom. He only mentioned it in passing to DD telling her that the best boy friend of DD had just said to him yes get a car for us two I'm not going with anyone. When DD said er no, he's going with me, this other lad had no idea. So super awkward.

She tried to resolve it last night but this 'best' boy friend is not responding to DDs messages. If I get involved it probably won't help although obviously I want to go round to him and take him by the scruff of the neck, obvs and to tell him to honour the arrangements he made.

So for all intents and purposes, she's got NO ONE to go to prom with.

What the hell do I do? She's had some awful times this last couple of years and recently despite being a great girl, loads of fun to be around, thoughtful etc etc I honestly think that if she ends up not going (because she has no one to go with) it will literally finish her off altogether. She got so down on herself some months ago I actually was afraid that she might harm herself, or worse.

I guess I could:

• Secretly talk to a teacher contact I have there, ask them to try and get a friendship circle together for DD to go there with
• As above but ask if DD can be advised they really need help on the night and can she help with x y or z during the evening
• Do an announcement in assembly or in forms to say to all prom attendees "the Carlisle School (fake school name) way is to never leave someone with no one to go to prom with so if they suspect someone has this issue, reach out to them so they can enjoy this amazing night too"
• Or (and please please don't laugh) try and get someone from a boy band to take pity on her and come and escort her to prom (which is great, but you're only allowed in as a pupil of yr 11 at this school and with a ticket!) - but I literally would try this if I thought it would work. She certainly bloody deserves it for the shit her dad, his wife and her family have put her through

I've given up asking other parents for support - they just don't give a shit so long as it's not their child that's the one who's being left out they all say oh just call us we'll help - then they don't.

I'm not trying to overdramatise prom or anything, it's what it means to my DD that's important to me and not having another major psychologically damaging incident that just reaffirms her lack of self worth and literally smashes her self esteem to the floor.

If I ask her who else could she go with and could she go with one of the two friends she'll say 'no because they hang out with X and Y' and I'm not sure I can get past that argument. There is one friend who's much more solid than the other one and I almost feel I could potentially talk to her and ask if she'd extend the hand of friendship to DD (if she knew that DD had no one to go with) but it's a risk - of DD finding out or friend saying no and then she loses that friend (it's a fairly recent friendship and very light touch at the minute).

Plus, if this boy best friend doesn't respond soon, it'll end up coming to the night and we've got no further forward and we're stuffed.

Btw, prom isn't about a boy and girl going together, it's just groups of girls, groups of boys (not actually a prom then .... so I'm wondering if the reality of him appearing there with DD has now settled upon him and he hasn't the cahunas to see it through and actually walk in with her. There is no hint btw or mis-communication/ misunderstanding between them that they are an item; DD has a boyfriend and her and this lad are definitely only friends.

Please help me with ideas and strategies MNers of teenage girls - I literally don't know what to do, I'm freaking out here and don't know what action to take to help DD get this show back on the road .

Can her boyfriend go? Or is he not at the school?

Your daughter is 16! You can't step in to tell other girls (directly or indirectly) that they have to go with her. If she was 7, then yes...

I understand how sad you must feel for her.

I think my advice would be that she puts to one side the fact that heer two friends are going as part of a group that includes a couple of the tricky peers and just ask if she can go with them. Take the higher ground and just get on with it if she possibly can bring herself to do this.

No Candy the boyfriend is at sixth form so he's not allowed to go.

I do agree INeed, I wasn't especially saying that doing this would be a good idea, just setting out the options regardless of how crap they are. I do think the only thing is to encourage her to try the route you suggest, but I do still think that there's possibly something the teacher can do 'on the down low' in the background...........?

She's had such a bloody bad time the poor, poor kid.

That’s a shame about her boyfriend. I also think she should go with the group. She could just stay away from the girls she is not friends with. They only need arrive together then they probably all just mingle with others all night anyway.

Me again... I honestly advocate you speaking to the school. An announcement in assembly too. I don’t have any other suggestions to those you’ve already made unfortunately. I have all this to come next year.

Your DD sounds very similar to mine. Lots of outside issues that severely impact on their home life.

I realise that my DD will probably spend the rest of her life recovering from her childhood. It’s desperately sad. I feel very much for you.

Teenage girls and their meanness annoy me so much. I would say that yes it is probably best that she reaches out to her two girl friends and just go with them and then move on once she is there.

If it is any consolation, in adult life, most girls grow out of this behaviour (not all) and /or it is much easier to avoid and bypass these kinds of people and mingle with normal folk!

I hope it turns out to be a great prom for her

Thank you Draughty (me thread mate!).

Thank you to everyone who's given their thoughts.

I've given her a couple of days to see if she resolves anything with this lad and reiterated with her today that tomorrow evening needed to be the end of her thinking time and moving on into taking action. I did say look you may not like these other girls but who cares because most of them you won't see them again in sixth form so why does it matter if you have to pretend to 'get on' with them for one night, You don't have to mix with them, all you really need to do is find someone who you can walk in with and hang with initially. I explained that the evening will bea ll girls running about and flitting around looking and discussing what each other's wearing not firm groups. I said that whilst I admire her principles on not being around horrible people just deciding not to be willing to put up with those girls for just one night and risk not going to prom would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. So she'll have had a day and a half to consider that but I want to know her thoughts and plans Thursday evening.

Even if she's got a plan I am going to ask school to do something. Really, they shouldn't need telling to be honest. They should be making sure that the cliques and "I don't like her" crap is told not to happen on prom night and everyone's to make sure it's a fully inclusive event, 'no man left behind' you know? They don't really seem to plan these things out very well.

^Bless* the teachers all say this Year 11 have been the absolute worst they've ever had. Not much help but at least I know if I didn't already that they truly are awful.

It doesn’t end at school though does it. DD thinks once she’s left everything will be fine. I’ve tried explaining (without trying to burst her bubble) that she’ll encounter many ‘not so nice’ people. I’m teaching her to not allow herself to be walked over but in doing that, she’s become quite assertive - mainly with me, so that’s backfired slightly!

I hope your DD is able to arrange to go with her boy friend. I think it’s rotten he’s changed his plans last minute. I hope she’s able to tell him how he’s made her feel.

If it's not a daft question OP, aside form all the shite she's had to put up with is she actually looking forward to going? I've no idea about proms, I presume the music is modern stuff that the kids like (good grief my leavers' disco was in 1982 and I dressed like one of Dexy's LOL!)

My own criteria would be:-

I felt confident that I looked nice.(your DD will look lovely I'm sure)
I like the music etc
I had someone (remotely pleasant) to talk to

This should add up to a nice evening. Sorry if this sounds over simplified Doinit but in a way that's what I'm trying to do as your post sounded very complex (don't mean that in a harsh way) it's just that sometimes when you're stuck in the middle you can't see the wood for the trees.

I really hope things work out for her.

Oh god yes, we'be been planning it for months, she can't wait. She's got the most gorgeous, elegant dress - really beautiful. No, she really really wants to go and was already gutted that she had no girl friends to go with.

I completely get what you're saying. It's just that posters saying 'just get her to go with her friends' - there's literally no guarantee that she will be able to organise something on this score. And if that's the case, I cannot see her just walking in on her own. I mean, it's just not gonna happen - I've not talked to her yet. I was going to do it yesterday evening but then we went to her actual boyfriend's house and I'd long nodded off before she got back home.

I'm too tired tonight so tomorrow I'll be asking for an update on this whole sorry scenario to see where we are with things. I have explained to her that the nature of the prom is not going to be pairs of girls statically sticking together, but flitting about oohing and ahhing at each other's dresses and so on. But she has such anxiety that the thought of her ending up standing around on her own is understandably not something she wants to entertain. I think my only leverage is it's going to come down to you either adjust your 'who I will and won't hang with' standards for this particular night or you don't go to prom - I think it's as simple as that.

Thanks for all the supportive words folks and I will update when I know more - hopefully positively.

Oh your poor DD - what a difficult situation.
Could she not go with the two boys (the ‘best’ boyfriend and his mate) who’ve hired a car together? I know he’s not responding to her messages but that might be because he’s embarrassed that he’s let your DD down - but if she was to say she’s not putting any pressure on him for the two of them to go together (alone) and would be happy to tag along with both the two boys - he might be more amenable.
When it was my DSs prom some of the parents were involved setting up beforehand and their daughters went along too (with hair and makeup already done) and put dresses on at the venue. I was there too as my DS was DJing and the girls (who weren’t from same friendship group as each other) had great fun helping set up and getting changed together before the start. They had some lovely photos taken before all the other kids arrived. Could you get involved in any way - so your DD could already be there when all the other kids arrive?
If neither of these ideas are likely to be workable I would certainly speak to your teacher contact at the school - he/ she may be aware of another child with no one to go with and your DD and her could pally up and go together.
Very difficult position - must be heartbreaking for you as her mum?

I know this isn't the right answer but personally I'd hire an amazing car that would fit her and the two (boy) friends and get the three of them to go together.

My DD went by herself - just because of logistics of preparation (her sister was doing her hair) and location (DD lives at the very edges of her school catchment area)... She was completely happy, met her friends there. I know this is different, because it was DD's choice. But I suspect there will be girls in this position at your DD's school. If your DD walks in confidently, nobody'll bat an eyelid.

The school won't be able to help. Not least because - assuming this is the Year 11 prom - the children aren't in school any more. So they categorically can't have an assembly on the issue, etc.

I agree that she should ask if she can go with the two boys, and chip in towards the cost of the fancy car. Failing that, she should ask her two girl friends if she can go with them and the rest of the group, she doesn't have to talk to the ones she doesn't like.

I get that these other girls have been mean to her, and on the surface, it looks like the boy friend has let her down - though it's not terribly clear from your post as to whether they had a firm agreement to go together or whether she just assumed? However, she needs to not focus on the wrongs that have been done to her by others and to be proactive instead about planning to enjoy herself. That means she can't be too rigid about how things happen - if Plan A and Plan B both look like they're not going to happen, then she needs to move on to Plan C. I hope she has a fabulous evening.

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

I'm decidedly happy to announce that it's all back on! She's going to be going in the car with them and the arrangement is back on.

We're going somewhere in the car in a bit me and her and I'll ask her if she has offered to put money in to the car hire and if not I'll make sure that she does offer that as it seems only fair and appropriate.

I don't know what caused the problem and haven't pressed her for lots of details - I'm just relieved it's all turned out ok and we can once again look forward to prom! Thank goodness. #massivesighofrelief

That’s great - glad it sorted. You must be relieved.

I don't want to put a downer on your update but if it is a notoriously bad year 11 there is plenty of time for this new arrangement to be derailed.

Everything crossed that this is not the case.

My dd sounds very much like yours and it's hard. She is at uni now and was amazed that certain groups of girls still acted in that way.

Great news DoinIt
I hope she has a wonderful evening!

Great news, OP. Glad that she has sorted it out!

Thanks everyone.

So glad the outcome is a positive one.

I've got a DS16 whose prom is on Monday. It's a lot easier having a lad in the case of the prom as all he has needed is a suit and a mate to share a Range Rover with and he's good to go! (A couple of year 11s are being helicoptered to the prom!!)

It's a bloody difficult age though isn't it as they are not children anymore but then again they are not quite adults!

Hope she has a lovely time.

Holy smoke with the helicopter!! The world truly has gone mad hasn't it!

Thank you. I've just been hidden stitching the lining of her dress (which would effectively be complete see-through lace were it not for the creamy coloured lining) so it didn't catch on her impossibly high heels with every step she took - sorted. Just ordered some Compeed blister plasters as after 20 minutes of standing whilst I pinned the lining, he feet were severely indented from the strappy shoes so we'll be shoving some of those in her evening bag.

I'm sure the end of term disco was a lot simpler than all this!!