Don’t know what advice to give teen ds...or do I just back off?

[Clutterfreeintraining]

Ds is 15 (nearly 16).
The last year has been pretty horrendous for him - two deaths from his year group, one to suicide He’s been let down by his father, at a time when he really needed him and neither of us have spoken to my father for a year. There’s so much squabbling between several of his friendship groups at the moment and it’s making him feel shit, angry, frustrated and any other negative emotion that could be thrown into the mix.
On the weekend, he went to a party and something snapped and he said some not very nice things to one of his friends. He says he can’t remember what he actually said and I’m not sure if that’s because he’d been drinking or whether it’s because he got so cross. I’ve told him he shouldn’t drink if that’s the effect it’s going to have on him.
He’s very conscious of his peers’ opinion of him and no amount of me telling him that it doesn’t matter what some random girl or boy thinks of him is making it any better - probably my most lame attempt at parenting to date!!
Dealing with the fall out from the suicide has been the most traumatic thing I’ve ever had to deal with and has made me so anxious about my ability to parent him. However, what it has made me realise is that life is so damn short and so very precious and that some relationships are worth nurturing and some should be cut loose.
I know I’m bound to be biased but he really is a funny, kind, generous boy. He wants people to like him and doesn’t want anyone to think badly of him but seems to have got caught up in all this conflict between friendship groups and I don’t know what to tell him to make him feel better.
Sorry this is so long but if anyone manages to get this far and can offer some advice, I’d be very grateful!!

It is very worrying especially with the suicides also. However, sometimes teenagers and part of growing up is negotiating these quarrels and feelings. When he gets to work and in life he may come across some difficult relationships and be more capable to deal with them through some of these relationships. It sounds as if you are already being supportive

I’m worried that he feels he’s in a no-win situation.
I’ve spent a long time researching how to promote positive mental health but couldn’t find a great deal of information...a lot of my suggestions are met with an face.

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your tough time recently. I’ve got teens also, and there’s a fine line between Mothering and smothering.

Can this organisation help?

young minds

I don’t really have any advice except to say all you can do,is to be there for him, be a listening ear when needed. Maybe give him a bit of pampering, cook favourite meals, treat him to a meal out etc.

I think this time of. Year is tough for everyone, as it’s exam season. My teens are a lot more short tempered then usual.

Thanks, petal. I’ll have a look.
Yes, I thought the exams were having an effect on things for all of them. He had his last one today and we’re off on holiday for 5 days next week so gmfingers crossed that will give him a bit of time to relax.

Poor lad, he’s lucky to have a lovely mum like you. My ds (14) has also gone through some tough times, one of the best bits of advice I was given was just listen and ask how he feels. Just that! Be there, listen.
It’s so simple and really does seem to help him.
Best of luck OP

He has to figure out who he is & this conflict between peer groups is just bringing this to the forefront. It is natural to be insecure after what's happened.
What was the suicide triggered by?
He will figure it out & you can just be there for him, make sure he knows you're there to support him whatever. It sounds like you're doing this.

You sound lovely. In my experience, teens don't seem to appreciate advice from their mum! I agree with others, a listening ear and a bit of pampering. Hopefully, some time away from school, and exams, will help xx

Excellent advice from LuluBellaBlue - just listen and ask how he feels. Just that! Be there, listen.

You're doing great - even thought you may get a or no reaction at all, it really does help, I've done this with DS who only opens up occasionally, and he said (a long time afterwards) that it does help. Letting your son express his feelings out loud is a key part of him working out what to do.

We had 2 suicides at my DC’s school within 6 weeks & it rocked the whole school. Are there support workers / counsellors at school? Would he speak to them?

oh - and enjoy the holiday - sounds like the perfect timing for a break from all the stress

Thanks for all the replies and advice.
We talked again last night and ds said he does usually take on board my suggestions - I’m kinda chuffed he thinks I talk sense but also feeling the pressure to give him sound advice!!
He’s far more sensible than I ever was at 15
PingPong - sorry you’ve had to deal with similar, it’s so devastating. Yes, there is support at school and I’ve mentioned to Ds, several times, that he can access this support at any time but he’s not keen and says he’d rather talk to me. Whilst I’m flattered he feels he can talk to me, it does concern me that we’re not just dealing with teenage stuff, it’s all got so muddled.

Assume he's been doing GCSEs. This is a really stressful time for all of them and will have been contributing to horrible behaviour all round.
My thoughts: However stupid someone else is being, he should take responsibility for his own behaviour so should apologize to his friend for what he said.
Things are likely to calm down a bit all round once the exams are finished and things may not actually be as bad between members of his peer group as he thinks.
What is he going to do constructively with his long holiday? It might be a time where he can extend his connections beyond his normal peer group. Is he the sort of boy who would be interested in getting a summer job and earning something? I'm not too sure if it is too late to sign up for the National Citizenship Scheme but if not, would he be interested in something like that. Could he be a bit more independent and go away with a friend maybe youth hostelling or something?
How clearly does he understand alcohol units and the actual amount in units that it is sensible to drink. This might be better than just trying not to drink 'as much' as at that age it is so easy to get carried away and not realise how much it is affecting the body.
Would he consider some counselling to help with dealing with the suicide. If he would and you can afford it, then this could be a really useful idea. He needs to understand that you can see a counsellor even if it is a mild rather that a serious problem, just as you can see a doctor for something simple that needs ,say, antibiotics as well as for life threatening illnesses.

Thank you for your reply, educatingarti.
Yes, he’s just finished his exams and whilst he’s seemed pretty laidback about them, I’m sure the pressure has added to things.
I agree about him being responsible for his own behaviour and tried to explain exactly that to him.
Going to have a chat with him next week about plans for the holidays. I’d hoped he’d have got a job but most places locally won’t take them until they’re 16 (not until August for ds).
I’m not aware of the National Citizen Scheme...will google it
Will find some information online re alcohol units and how best to discuss it with him.
I’ve tried to encourage him to access counselling support from school but he’s really not up for it. I spent a long time looking into teen mental health and how to channel ds’ energy into something positive but didn’t really find much online - it’s mostly information on what to do if you/someone you know is depressed/having suicidal thoughts. I absolutely don’t think he is either but felt very anxious that it could so easily get to that stage.
I think the break next week will do us both some good - I just wish it was for longer!!

I am sorry to hear what your DS is going through OP. It’s so tough as a parent to know what’s best. What seems to help DD through these difficult times is just being there to listen and also by making home a sanctuary from all this friendship conflict. I try to love bomb her a bit and make more effort to make her favourite food or spend time together doing things she likes just as I would like someone to do for me after a bad day at work.

Thank you, backintime.
Yes, it is tough sometimes but it’s reassuring reading through the advice and suggestions.

www.ncsyes.co.uk/ncs-for-your-teen

Here's the NCS website!

Thanks for the link. Unfortunately, it only covers England and Northern Ireland. We’re in wales so will have a look to see if there’s a similar option here.