Fight with teenage DD - social services involved

[EnolaMandible]

I am having trouble with my 16yr old DD2. Posted here before but name changed due to feeling ashamed at what is happening. Not a new situation and she has been been difficult all her life to be honest. Things have been gradually getting better but got worse recently because of her sitting GCSEs and stress of this.

She is verbally abusive and swears in front of my youngest DD3 who is 8. On one occasion recently, I flipped out and lost it with her. I pushed her, she hit me and I hit her back. I know I shouldn’t have reacted how I did and I am ashamed of myself. But she is very difficult. I feel very protective over DD3 and the bad language and behaviour she is exposed to.

So following this incident, which my DD1 reported to her psychiatrist, our parent worker at CAMHS has referred to social services. (We are involved with CAMHS for DD1 not DD2). Social worker is making safeguarding enquiries about my youngest as well as DD2 and approaching her school for information. It is devastating and embarrassing. I have a very longstanding and good relationship with DD3s school and now they are going to think I’m a risk to my children.

Since the social worker visit the other day DD2s behaviour has dramatically worsened. She is threatening to make things much worse for us with the social worker. She is screaming and swearing at us and trying to goad us into a reaction. She feels in a position of power.

Has this happened to anyone else? Can anyone help? I’m scared.

Don't worry they see this all the time.
Go in to your daughters primary school and have a chat with the safeguarding officer, that's what I did and she gave me loads of advice and help and told me her door was always open.

I have a teenage dd who in the past has lashed out, constantly swore and threw/damaged things it's a total nightmare.
At one point I said to social services if it was my husband doing this you would be telling me I needed to protect my children but because it's their sister you just want me to go to CAMHS with her.

I don't actually have much advice except not to worry too much and I've found the best thing to do every time my dd kicks off and is violent is to call 101 and log it. The police will be on your side and my dd has calmed down a lot as she doesn't like a visit from them.

Thanks for replying. I will speak to the school then. I am worried about what they are going to think but I know I should be more concerned about improving this situation than about what people think. I feel like the worst mother ever. The pressure is unbearable.

They won't think bad of you they will just offer more support.

You're definitely not the worst mother. People who haven't been in your situation will say things like "oh I'd never let my child talk to me like that " or "what do you expect if you flipped" and my favourite "Just chuck her out" 🤔

Its very easy to judge from outside a situation so don't care what other people think and concentrate on you.

Hopefully your DD will look back on this one day and feel nothing but regret, however it's likely it'll take her to have her own DC to truly understand.

Not much help now, I'm sorry but I'm talking from experience.

I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mum until I had a child and realised what I bitch I was at 16.

Please don’t think the school will judge you - they really won’t. All sorts kicks off behind closed doors for even the most outwardly unassuming and quiet families.

She wants to have power but at the same time she’s terrified of it.

I’d recommend an e-book called Mercury’s Child by Warwick Dyer.

Thanks for the book recommendation. Downloaded to my kindle already. Looks useful.
The thing is, I feel I get on better with DD2 than anyone else in the family. We have a lot of banter, talk about things and get on well. We have a real connection. But she seems to like to hang on to this story of being the unloved child. She's a great kid but sometimes just behaves really really badly and everything breaks down. And I don't handle it well. I am completely hopeless at disciplining her or implementing boundaries. When I have tried, then she just behaves worse. So I feel paralysed with fear of upsetting her more and just do nothing. It's pathetic. I will read the book.

She will be a great friend when she’s older.
Wishing you lots of luck.

Totally understand. You could try and Get evidence. Have your phone handy and when she threatens to deliberately make things worse, your'll have it videoed.
SW'er may not take that much notice of video because it can be manipulated and falsified, but at least your'll have it.

Try and be calm. Have someone with you - mum or friend when SS come again. It's always best to subtly have a witness.

I was there 2 years ago. I said the same thing, to my dd, if you were my husband abusing me like this I would leave you. We got SS involved as it was destroying us and we could not keep her safe anymore(smashed through our boundaries) and it was the best thing we did. Facillitated camhs, Talk to Teens Barnados course and support for my dd. SS considered a foster placement which was scary but SS are there to SUPPORT not to take kids away or to make judgements.

Update: spoke to DD3 school. Told them everything. Mortifying but at least it's done.

Well done OP. It's for the best. At least it's recorded now!