I’ve let my 15 year old daughter down

[lippyliz]

DH and I split, still amicable, still see quite a bit of each other, sort of romantically involved though I’m having second thoughts. Money not great. DD is very demanding. She gets a healthy monthly allowance and spends it before the months out, she then wants £3 here and there which mounts up. I’ve mentioned money isn’t as good as when DH was with us so could she try and think about spending her own more sensibly. We’ve had this conversation a handful of times. DD does not want me and DH together. Tonight she came home unhappy - she’d got hold of alcohol from friends and was drunk. Because if this I wouldn’t let her go back out which displeased her. She started asking me questions out if the blue. To cut it short, she’s told me she’s upset me and DH see each other, she’s upset I’ve told her that I’m struggling with money and that she shouldn’t know these things as she’s a child and she’s told me she feels so much pressure (misses her ex boyfriend who cheated on her, hates school) that she just wants to sleep in her room. DD comes across as happy all the time. She’s very popular with her friends and goes out a lot but she says that’s just so she can forget everything. I feel so sad for her and I feel I’ve let her down when I thought I was being a good parent.

I think the main thing you need to tell her above all else is that you love her and you're doing your absolute best. Elicit her sympathy. Parents should not try to present ourselves as perfect or infallible, we are just as imperfect as our kids are. We can only do our best, and we're restricted by our circumstances, by our failing relationships, and by the money we have. Comfort her, but make sure she knows that you (and her father) are not perfect. You are a complex, difficult person as much as she is, and sometimes you fail. The only solution is to stick together.

Could she be suffering with depression?

Yes, I totally agree. She slept with me last night, something she’s done on and off for a year and she’s said sorry this morning. I’ve told her there’s absolutely no need to be, that I love her so very much and I’d like more chats about how she feels so that I can understand. She’s very confused about what she wants, she’s never liked change and she’s always said she’s happy so long as I’m ok, which is lovely but also a massive pressure on me considering I’m suffering with depression. I always thought I was succeeding and I know I’m doing good but conversations like that worry me

Could she be suffering with depression?

This is a possibility....

I think it's massively unsettling for her that you are speedster but romantically involved- what does that even mean?

She has no idea whether you'll get back together or whether you'll move on. That means she can't know what's going to happen next to her.

Out of interest, why doesn't she want you to get back together?

Speedster = separated!

I think to put it indelicately - with regard to your relationship you need to either shit or get off the pot. It's not fair on your daughter to be stuck in limbo.

She hasn’t known we’ve been ‘romantically involved’ (kissing, cuddling etc) but she does know we’ve met for lunch and that he’s cooked me meals at his flat, but he does come here a couple of times a week to say hi to her, me, the dogs and have a coffee.

She doesn’t want us back together because he had an affair a couple of years ago, let us all down badly, and hurt me a great deal. She loves him but likes it being just me, her and her sister.

It’s such a mess and I feel crap as no doubt does she. I thought I was doing right by maintaining a relationship with DH very much in the background, trying to show that parents can be amicable etc, and I thought I was doing the right thing telling her about money because she just wants to spend constantly and super strops and sulks if I say no. She likes to get her own way and is very demanding - she has an idea of how her life should be - DD2 is much more laid back and calm about things but she lets her feelings known and doesn’t hold back so isn’t holding things in.

She was drunk.

I wouldn’t put much stock in her mood when drunk. That’s what alcohol does.

Talk about it all when she’s sober. And punish her for getting drunk.

she just wants to sleep in her room

Did you mean 'your' room? (Or has she been moved out of the family home?)

You are in a dysfunctional relationship with her ex and your DD has been dragged into it by default (she is learning how relationships work by watching you) no wonder she is confused and angry. More so than a normal split up where it's cut and dried and the DC know where they stand.

It is not wrong to explain to her your financial pressures (to a degree) and encourage her to budget her own money.

She sounds confused. Dad had left, but you are still "involved" ... how does she work with that??

This will mean that she cannot process what is happening to her family and this is leaving her in a state of limbo.

If she knew the situation between you & her father was "separated, but working on things" she could use that, but that doesn't appear to be the message she is getting.

You haven't let her down. Don't forget that you are also going through your own stuff and so letting a ball drop isn't the end of the world.

I think you &your dh need to decide what you are doing.

Dd is right, she doesn't need to be worried about finances but I think she should be aware it is going to be a bit harder without dad.

For God's sake. She is 15. She rely isn't a child anymore. If she is old enough to drink, have boyfriends and, dictate whether your ex gets back together with you or not she is old enough to know the truth of your situation and byexgebdioj her situation. You won't be dpi g her any favours by infantalising her.

She’s quite old enough to be made aware of money being tighter. It does sound like she is trying it on a bit. It must be hard to be where she is in some ways but that doesn’t excuse her from being a bit lacking in empathy.

She was drunk ... I wouldn’t put much stock in her mood when drunk. That’s what alcohol does Alcohol lowers inhibitions so we are more likely to speak the truth and what we are thinking.

She is biologically still very very much a child. Teenagers brains are like toddlers. They need a lot more reassurance and support than they let on.

She's old enough for you to have an honest chat about what's going on with ex. She rightly also feels betrayed by his infidelity and teens can be notoriously black and white about such things.
She's also going through typical teen hormonal angst, trying to separate her personality from you a bit, etc.
You sound like you're doing the best you can and as with everyone, life and parenting is a learning curve. It's good she can talk to you and I wouldn't shut that down.

When it comes to me and DH, it took him 18 months to move out and although we never argued etc it wasn’t easy. It was after he’d moved out he realised what he’d lost At that point and still now, I couldn’t live with him again, not for quite some time if ever, a) neither DD wants it, b) I haven’t even begun the healing process and c) he has made it clear that he can’t live with DD’s - he’s got used to his easy life and as DD2 ‘hates’ him it wouldn’t work anyway. That sounds blunt and it’s obviously not quite straightforward as that but that’s the gist. I’m happier on my own but sad and disappointed that we’ve all lost what we had together. It’s a bit can’t live with but can’t quite live without scenario - even if we have kept it away from DDs in that respect. I can see I need to break away though

She's still very much a child and I think you've done exactly the right thing so far.

She doesn't need to know you're romantically involved with your ex, especially as it might come to nothing long term.

Most teenagers want to spend lots of money, but few have parent that can buy them everything they want. Such is life. It's because she's still a child she's being stroppy about it.

Obviously she's not happy atm, and I think you need to talk lots to find out her view in things, find out if she's depressed etc. Also talk about the dangers of drinking, especially underage drinking.
I'd look at this as a wake up call to how unhappy she is, but not because you've failed her.

I don't know - do you think there's any truth to her complaint that she knows things a child shouldn't ? I don't think 15 is very old, actually.

I'm possibly projecting but my mum overshared my entire childhood and it did, and still does, very much affect me.

Financial struggles, your depression, your ex coming round more often. That's a lot for a youngish teenager to be picking up on. Added to that she knows the story of her dad's affair (is that right?) and that was at an even earlier age.

Perhaps worth digging a bit deeper?

She's still very much a child and I think you've done exactly the right thing so far

Thank you, all of what you say is what I was trying to do

I don't know - do you think there's any truth to her complaint that she knows things a child shouldn't ?

I understand, the through is, I hid his affair for 5 month saying he was working away, I managed to hide it when he told them we were separating. He then went away with OW half way through Father’s Day and when I found out I just lost it with him on the phone. They were not in the room but overheard some conversation.

About a year ago I was fairly quiet, DD1 noticed and got herself worked up it was her. I responded by telling her that I was a bit sad but things would be fine. I answered her honestly when she mentioned the doctors. We’ve never discussed it since.

So she does know things but I’ve tried my best to hide things from her and I’ve only answered her questions honestly but not in detail.

X/DP is DD's bio father? But 'cant' live with them? Has cheated on you? And you are sneaking around to have some 'romantic' time with him?

No wonder DD is disturbed. Teenagers are far more perceptive than we given them credit for, I guessed my Mum was having an affair a year before it came out.

There must be something in the air.

My fifteen year old did the exactly the same thing last weekend. I allow her to drink (very small amounts) at parties but not get drunk. She didn't take any drink to the party she went to last weekend because she said she was ill and was only attending for an hour to be polite.

She got so smashed she didn't dare come home. Fortunately, her fifteen year old boyfriend was mature enough to realise she needed help and called her grandad to come and collect her after she threatened to runaway. I was very impressed with him, not so much with her.

She fell through the door sobbing, begging me to take her 'home' to her father, pleading with me and her sister to go back and live with him, stating she missed him, she missed all the cooked breakfasts he used to make her and the tele they would watch on a Sunday morning while they ate said breakfasts. Me and her sister were baffled. We had no memory of him cooking breakfasts.

I woke her up at 10am the next day with a fry-up and forced her to watch The History of Football . We had a good chat, she has no clue why she said she what she did. She doesn't like her dad, she does remember the breakfasts but isn't sure who cooked them (it was me, they happened rarely) but she remembers the abuse more and would rather live in a field in a tent than move back in with him.

She does have depression and anxiety, so that might be something to look into, OP. She also doesn't respond well to change and we've just moved. She thinks initially when she was talking about 'the old house' she meant our previous house. That is where she planned on running away to, she believes. It was only when I told her they'd decorated it and wasn't the same anymore she decided her dad's was the next best thing.

OP I feel for you as I myself in similar position other than ( no OW just had enough of his behaviour, selfishness, outlook on life, unable to accept responsibility, controlling behaviour & my DC are of ages 8,9,10,11)
By reading your post you must have been with DH quite some time?
I was with DP 12yrs, DP comes to see DC, Which is fine but I too is romantically involved with him still (sex basically) my DC do not know nor will they ever!
I wish I could stop the romantic side of things so I can let go fully, with me I think it fear of change, confidence issues I have too.
I think you DD is struggling with the change and I think you are doing a fantastic job been a supportive mum also as you said in post you want your DD to talk to you more, so I would make a date day with DD 1 every couple of weeks where it just you and her having Q time together.
Also keeping DH affair qt from DDs was really brave a thoughtful and what most other people would do.
Your not letting her down OP just more Q time do you maintain a close bond with her.
Good luck OP 👍

I have to agree with a majority of other people, you need to stop contact with the ex, its very very confusing for your kids. My parents split up when I was a teenager, it was very angry and also involved an affair. My mum moved on quickly, started seeing other people. I came home early from school one day and walked in on her and my dad in bed. It confused the shit out of me. I didn't know what to do with the information, it didn't sit well in my brain and I struggled to understand who my loyalty was to. My mums new boyfriend? my Dad? the other guy she had been having coffee with? My mum? I started drinking, doing pot. It got much much worse and I ended up in an abusive relationship at 17 as I had no idea what healthy boundaries where and how I should be treated thanks to my idiot parents. It has taken me 10 years of counselling to undo the trauma that they caused.

Move on and be clear and transparent about. YOU ALL deserve better. Show your daughters that cheating is totally 100% not acceptable and does not reward the guilty party by giving them their cake and eating it too. Teach them self respect and clear, firm lines in what is ok and what is NOT ok. They can't do it for themselves when it is your job.