Not coping with my kids

[Mumnotfun]

I'm not sure what to do. I know I'm low. I've been here before when my two were tiny. But this is so weird.

I have a 13 year old boy and an 11 year old girl and I'm hating this phase, not disliking it, actually hating it. Even in my worse moments when they were little and I had pnd I never felt so lacking in control than I do right now.

I literally loved the time we had between the ages of 3 and ten, they are 16 months apart so those first couple to three years were tough, but I sort of knew it would be. I struggled badly, but I got through it.

Now, I just don't want to do this! I hate that they don't want to talk to me, I'm suspicious all the time that they are trying to pull the wool over my eyes about one thing or another. I just don't trust them and they probably don't trust me to be honest. My husband is of the opinion that they will just miraculously come out of the otherside at some point with little interaction from us, because that's what he did. But times were different then.

Both children have accessed stuff online that they shouldn't have, I didn't get mad, I explained that it was my job to protect them and answer questions. They were both upset, we locked down the internet a little bit more (parental controls had been turned off periodically to allow access to social media etc but weren't turned back on , an oversight on our part).

I feel I've failed massively as a parent. How could I have got things so right up until now and then messed it all up so badly!

I never expected to feel this way. I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone other than my husband and he's convinced it will all work itself out. I just want to run away and pretend I don't have this life

You haven't actually told us what it is that your DC are doing that's so horrendous!? It all sounds perfectly normal to me, so far. Certainly mine got secretive at that age, and their friends become much more important and involved than us parents. They're growing up, up and eventually away! Make sure those parental controls are on, and try to make sure they don't access inappropriate material at other people's houses.

I'm not sure what's wrong either. It is natural for teens to share fewer details of their life with their parents than a young child. It's part of the withdrawing necessary to prepare all parties for when they grow up and leave home
Accessed stuff online? Discussed and it can't happen again.

That's just the problem to be honest. Maybe they are just being normal and it's me that has the issue. I just wasn't prepared at all to feel this way. I thought I'd love it when they became more independent. I've never been the most maternal person. The issue with the internet is what bothers me most, there are other things, my son has a girlfriend and they have only been together a few weeks, but my husband saw a message on the lock screen of his phone from his girlfriend saying she wanted to take things further. I thought they were just a boy and a girl who were good friends. Without knowing the context I have let my mind run away with that, I'm now in a position where I feel if I raise it he will lose trust in me, if I don't I'm failing as a mum. It's a whole control thing I know it is. I never considered myself a control freak until recently but maybe I am.

Sorry. I just thought what they had done was bad. Sometimes you just need a little perspective I suppose. I'm just not ready for all of this.

You need to keep lines of communication open without grilling them about their lives. We discuss consent, sexting etc. etc.
You need to allow yourself to trust that you've done a good job and they can make good decisions.

Thank you. I think I possibly need to get myself back into some sort of counselling. I had CBT last year and it allowed me to work on my negative thought processes. I'm feeling like I'm slipping back into it again and it's all linked with a lack of control of what's going on around me. I can't get past the feeling that only a couple of years ago, even though I was not with them all day every day, I had knowledge of their feelings and what they were doing. Now, I'm a complete outsider, surplus to requirements and feeling almost bereft.

Do you remember what it was like as a teen? Did you tell your parents every detail of friendship or school day etc?
In a few years they could be moving out. This gradual distancing is nature's way of preparing you and them for that. Start working towards the relationship you want to have when they're adults. Not controlling and demanding but a valued sounding board, trusted confidante and constant source of love and support (when they remember to call or pick up if you do! )

Yes, I hated being a teen, I was a mess, I didn't talk to my parents because, probably like my own kids, I thought they didn't get me. I must admit, I have kept all this to myself, I try not to put it across to them, I've not been demanding, but I have put in place new boundaries of late, in particular phones/tech not in bedrooms after 9.30, but they frequently try to break these rules "forgetting" etc. I'm not sure if my friends with teens are being completely honest with me, they seem to think their teens are totally open with them, hence the feeling of having failed somewhere because mine don't seem to be with me.

I'm not saying you have been demanding. Sorry if that's how it read. Just thinking how you want things to be in the future.
Is there a chance you're projecting that they don't talk much, you didn't talk much, you feel you were a "mess" and so they must be?
Teens test boundaries. Especially new ones!
We rarely know what goes on in anyone else's life. Not really.
How could you access counselling?

I honestly think your kids becoming teens opens up old issues that you had as a teen - things that were bad for you, the differences between them and the teenage you, how your parents reacted to your teen years etc. Maybe counselling will help with that as will giving yourself a break. Its a tricky time and even the best kids will hide stuff from you - its a natural part of growing up.

You're not failing. They are going through another stage. It's a shit stage though but they will come through it. I was you 2 years ago. I had 2 kids same age but daughter is the older one - she was a hormonal mess and life was just shite. Once her hormones calmed down (had to go on the pill to sort that out) she is coming out the other end and for the moment is actually a pleasant human being to be around and we have great chats. DS is just entered the 'Kevin the Teenager' stage at 13. Whilst he's not so hormonally full on as DD was, he's gone from being a cuddly wee boy to developing a bit of an attitude and just talking utter nonsense. But basically he's still a nice kid. Remember this, you are the bones they sharpen their teeth on. It's not pleasant for you but don't take it personally. It will get better. Big hugs x

Thanks everyone. It's really useful to hear other people's honest experiences and not feel so alone. After a trip to the gp (completely unconnected to this) to get some blood test results, some of my results could explain my feelings of despair and general misery. Not 100% on board with that yet, we shall see. I'm also possibly going through the early menopause at 38. So again, this all could be contributing. I actually broke down to the doctor. Anyway, I've decided to step back a little and at least give the children the impression I'm focusing on myself. The parental controls are on and I've explained to them that I want to give them freedom but they also need to work with me. They seem to get and appreciate that. So time will tell.

Ah, if you’re menopausal that opens a whole other box of frogs. Menomood worked for me thankfully.

Hi mumnotfun , menopause + kids is not fun I know.
You sound like a great mum and it is so difficult these days, I'm sure there are places you can get advice or all the social media stuff, sexting but am not 100% on details. Try the local library as the first port of call or school should have some info.

'Knowledge is power' as they say. You don't sound over controlling just loving and concerned.

I have 3 dcs...and have 'survived ' the teenage years
It is a tough time for your kids as well as you, especially as you're being tested for menopause- make sure you get your Vit D levels checked as low levels are linked with depression ...taking a supplement may be useful
Hormones have a lot to answer for!....just as their hormones are raging, ours are in decline, so there's an element of 'grieving ' for our 'old life and dealing with our own problems ( you don't get any sympathy or understanding from teenagers regarding menopausal symptoms unfortunately!)
my dh and dd were at loggerheads for years when she was a teenager, couldn't say anything without it being taken wrong way....defiance was a problem , they like testing boundaries, but you need to be resilient and support them even/especially when they make mistakes
However by time dd left for uni and became independent , she was a changed person and now we all get on so well again
She's just done a mental health 'first aid' course for the company she's on placement with , I'm very proud of her now....hang in there

Thanks. I was recalled by the gp following my latest blood test. My vit d levels are low, my calcium levels are low and my liver function is giving them major cause for concern. God knows what's going on but the vit d one at least explains my moods and general feeling of not coping and exhaustion. The children are sort of aware I'm dealing with some stuff, there's still been "moments" with them but my husband is dealing with most of it to give me a break.

Oh goodness o did alsorts as a teen. My mum was quite laid back about most things and she believed in making mistakes to learn which was good really. Some things she cracked down on - wearing revealing clothes out etc. Social media had only really just been recognised and it wasn’t as famous as it is now. However I knew the do’s and dont’s.

Once at 15 I thought it was a good idea to go get hammered on a field with my mates. Went home an hour after curfew to find my mum sat at the dining table with a face like thunder. I then threw up all over the floor. She didn’t say a word but she handed me the mop and bucket and made me clean it. Then I threw up in the toilet that I then also had to clean while she was stood there saying I hope this learns you to never do this again. Of course it didn’t but it was never so bad even now as an adult.

I do think that you learn by mistakes and sometimes you have to take a back seat and allow them to make them.

Obviously the access online is a lot different now so that should be closely monitored. But I wouldn’t beat myself up about it. We are only human