DD's older boyfriend

[chocolateworshipper]

I'll start by saying that I'm not sure what I'm looking for in posting - so feel free to offer advice / sympathise / tell me I'm bonkers / agree that parenting teenagers is hard etc.

DD recently turned 18 and the new boyfriend is 21. OK, so 3 years is not a massive age gap. BUT one is the issues I have is that DD has self-harmed in the past and I still consider her to be vulnerable, so I'm probably more worried about the age gap than I would be if she was a "normal" 18 year-old (hate the term normal, but too lazy to think of a better term).

Another BUT is that the whole thing has evolved out of lies. Firstly she was saying that she was just round the house because his sister was her friend. But funny enough - we never saw the girl, we only ever saw DD with the boy. Then she was telling us "I'm staying at Jane's house" or "I'm staying at Sarah's house", having forgotten that we can see on Find My iPhone that she is at this boy's house. We were initially told that he's a year older. Then it was "no - I said he was 2 years older", then I see on FB that he's 3 years older. Before found out his real age on FB, DH asked him what he did "oh I'm at college" he says - ummm, no you're not.

Another thing is that she's gone from one boyfriend to another, and whilst I've always been very welcoming of previous boyfriends, I'm just not in the mood for greeting another one when there was only about a week's gap between the previous one and this one.

Any words of wisdom oh wise MNers?

I think my word of wisdom would be, don't get too hung up on this particular boyfriend.

Just hang in there with general attitudes about how people should allow themselves to be treated. After all, if she is still at the stage when the boyfriends keep changing, chances are this one (if there is indeed anything wrong with him) won't hang around that long either. As long as she is able to spot red flags.

I know you say she is vulnerable, but is that just the self-harming or do you think she is actually naïve and vulnerable in that sense?

I have a 21yo who has self-harmed and even attempted suicide in the past and who is waiting for a MS diagnosis (probably bipolar), but I think she has relatively good judgment when it comes to men. I like to think that I have taught her good principles there, and though mistakes do happen when she is having an episode she is getting very good at pre-empting herself and making sure she doesn't do things she might regret when her judgment is impaired from her illness.

As for the lying, yes that is a bit concerning, but it depends on the context. Is she worried about you worrying about her? Why at 18 does she feel the need to tell you where she has been at all? I have a just-turned 18yo still living at home and at Sixth Form and our quest for information tends to only go as far as "did you have a nice time?" these days.

I know (not so much for myself but for my parents) the stress of having to greet a new love of their life every 5 minutes: one of my brothers was very much like that. I suspect the trick is to detach and try to think of them as most likely transitory: playmates with a bit of shagging thrown in (which you hope they are managing discreetly) rather than potential son-in-laws.

She's 18 it's really not your business. She won't have to lie to you if you don't ask intrusive questions that she doesn't want to answer. Like Cory at 18 the most I asked was "do you think you will be back for food?" and "have you had a good time?". Only requirement was to let me know if they weren't going to be home when I got up next morning so that I didn't worry.You will do the opposite of keeping her close and safe if you persist in monitoring her.

I think 3 years is a really normal age gap at that age.
Does she have form for lying? Maybe she knew you would disapprove, and feels like she needs a bit more freedom. Really hard I know.
Just stay non judgemental and keep communication open, so that you can support her when/ if she needs it.

As the parent of a potentially mentally vulnerable young adult, I am very aware of the dangers of keeping her in a perpetually vulnerable state by trying to keep her too safe.

Perhaps it's easier for me, because dd also has a physical disability that has left her incapacitated in the past, and I've had to keep reminding myself that the doctor did say that if she didn't keep exercising (even at the risk of putting her joints out), she'd be more likely to perpetuate the problem.

I am very aware of the dangers of keeping her in a perpetually vulnerable state by trying to keep her too safe
Thank you so much for this - I actually think you've completely hit the nail on the head. She actually took 2 overdoses and I spent such a long time being in a state of paralysing fear, that I think I've lost sight of just how much time has passed and that I need to let go to let her continue getting better.

Is she worried about you worrying about her?
Another comment that hits the nail on the head I think. I think we both need to re-establish our relationship - I need to be less worried and she needs to worry less about me being worried!

Maybe she knew you would disapprove
I think the fact that it started as a one-year age gap, then a two-year gap, (and it's 3) does tell me that she was "testing the waters." I can wish that she had let us meet him, see that he was nice enough, and then told us the age gap - but since I don't get everything right in life myself, I can hardly expect her to get everything right

Only requirement was to let me know if they weren't going to be home when I got up next morning
She hasn't done this every time - but you're absolutely right that this is a perfectly reasonable expectation, so this is what I should ask her to commit to

Just stay non judgemental and keep communication open
Yes you are absolutely right.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I can see that it's time for me to let go more. And thanks for reassuring me that a 3 year age gap is perfectly fine (although I shan't be applying that same rule to my youngest teen DD just yet )

"She's 18 it's really not your business"

Well, it only took 2 posts for this response.

The assumption that once your child turns 18 they become a sensible, mature adut and you, as a parent can stop worrying about them

Real life isn't like that. I doubt that I will ever stop worrying or caring about DD. I don't wrap her in cotton wool, but my concern for her won't automatically stop when she turns 18 next month.

OP, I quite understand your concerns, but I guess all you can do is be there for her.

That really isn't an age gap though. They are both university age. At her age I had a boyfriend who was 15 years older than me.

I wouldn't be happy if DD had a boyfriend 15 years older than her. I would think it rather odd that a man in his 30s felt he had a lot in common with a teenager, and might think he was rather predatory.

The point about them turning 18 is not that you stop worrying, about them, but that the next step, within a couple of months, is likely to be them moving to the other end of the country to attend university with absolutely no option of you being introduced to any man they may choose to spend the night with.

And even if they don't personally do it, you need to remember that they are the same age as their friends who will be doing it, so can reasonably expect the same level of independence (barring consideration for the people they share a house with, evidently). And if they are treated differently from their age group, that in itself can be quite damaging to MH.

Yes, I still worry about my dd. But she is not here, she is in London. I can't reasonably expect to take a 2 hr train journey to present any young man for my approval before she goes to bed with him. And as she is now an adult, sharing a house with other adults of varying ages, it is unrealistic to expect that she will confine herself to boyfriends who are exactly as old as she is.

Before dd moved out, she had to spend 2 years living at home while her friends went off to uni. I was very aware of how those 2 years knocked her confidence and thought it important that she should know that we thought of her in exactly the same way as we would had she gone off to uni at the normal age.

Oh and a reassuring story. I was 19 the first time I went abroad on my own: to work as a volunteer. That's where I met my first boyfriend who was 23 at the time. That was 35 years ago and we are still happily married. My mother was worried at first but she kept her doubts to herself and it turned out she was right to do so: we didn't rush into anything, but waited and planned, and when the time was right dh turned out to be a wonderful husband and father

18 and 21 is a complete non issue.

YY Lonicera - that really Ps me off on MN. Once they hit 18, they know if all, can 100% fend for themselves/be trustworthy - and if they can't- well let them go to hell in a dingy and back so that they "learn". I don't want to be the parent that cuts my teen adrift on the stroke of midnight on their 18th. OP - as others have said, best advice is not to stifle but just encourage/ be supportive so she feels she can come to you ifshes got any worries etc.

I'm not saying you stop worrying about them, dd is 25 now and I still worry about her because she has a chronic illness. But when she was eighteen she hit adulthood and it was her choice as to how much she confided in me and it wasn't my place to monitor her love life /sex life or social life. If she chose to tell me anything that was up to her, if she wanted opinions or advice I'd give them to her but at the same time I fully respected the fact that she might completely disagree with my opinion and ignore my advice.
I suppose my opinion might be different because I have four adult children and am speaking from experience rather than pontificating on how I would parent an eighteen year old in years to come.

She's 18. Give her some space.

My mum could have wrote this word for word when I was 18. But she didn't, she stepped back and let me get on with it and in turn I actually went to her and we had honest, relaxed conversations. It did me the world of good and allowed me to grow and become more independent.

Stop spying on her!