DS still stealing food........

[Endofmyshortfuse]

He’s a chunky 14. V exercise resistant. We had a problem around Easter with him buying big tubs of ice cream with his pocket money & hiding them in his room. We had abig chat about it & how unhealthy it was. Decided on a snack box, he chose what went in it with the previso that’s when it was gone it was gone.
Just looking for somehting in his room& found a whole cooking choc wrapper. It can only have come from home .
What do I say this time ? What do I do? Punish him ? I’m at a loss here . Thanks

A start would be not to have the treat foods in the house (or hide them better) but he’s 14. If he has access to money and can get to a shop, you can’t really regulate what he eats outside the home.

At least you can make sure what he does have at home is good for him. Sounds like a nightmare, i’m Sorry

I thought they were hidden better ! The stuff he has at home in his snack box are rice cakes/ twig lets/ ritz crackers. I try to make it more savoury than sweet, & tell him that fruit is always freely available but nothing seems to make a difference.
I actually have his bank card at the mo so he can’t just buy stuff. I suspect he may have been taking money from my purse too.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Perhaps someone else will have words of wisdom too!

It sounds like you’re doing what you can then. You might have to lock your purse away too then!

When you say "chunky" do you mean "fat"? I think as Psycho says, this is very difficult for you. You will have to keep talking to him about his health - scare him if you have to, show him revolting videos on YouTube about how junk food is produced and what it does to your insides. Teenage boys are terribly recalcitrant, so you do have an uphill struggle. I would challenge him on the stealing from your purse and talk to him about deception generally. There's no need for him to hide and lie - all the food in the house should be freely available to the people who live in it, just make sure there's nothing junky or treaty for him to find.

I have an adult DS who is a great big chap, rugby-playing physique but with plenty of lard on top. He's always been greedy, but he loves his sport so he's fit at least. I still nag him now to watch his diet but he won't. I feel for you.

Is he comfort eating? If so, why? Ask him

Well you are turning it into a battle and he is becoming a secret eater. That is probably more damaging long term than him eating a tub of ice cream.

My DD used to "steal" food, and occasionally still will if she has had a bad week, though she is younger. We did the snack box, which did help, but we also stopped commenting on the food going missing, except saying to each other (DH and I) something like "oh I wanted a biscuit but they are all gone" or "oh those sweets were for us all after dinner" in her earshot. Once the confrontation/telling off was removed she stopped. At the same time I upped the fruit in the house and she knows she can have fruit or greek yoghurt whenever.

Going in all guns blazing about health and sugar and weight gain is just going to make a teenager dig their feet in. Is he struggling with something and using food as a way of coping with his feelings?

This doesn't sound right, you say he can have a snack box with what he wants in it, then follow it up with you try to make it savoury and put things like bloody rice cakes in it.

Either let him have a snack box with what he wants in it or stop pretending you are. No 14 year old wanting chocolate picks rice cakes.

The whole family needs to eat healthily only buy treat foods, cooking chocolate on the day you are going to be eating/using them and no more than you need.
Can you do some exercise together, it doesn't even have to be obvious exercise. We walk dogs for a local rescue centre and we can easily be walking for two or three hours with various different dogs but the kids don't see it as exercise as they are too distracted by the dogs.

You say he is exercise-resistant, but I wonder if you could work together with DS to find him an activity he'd love to try? Don't put it out there as exercise or a weight-loss tool, but as something to pass the time. Maybe it could be something the family could be involved in as a whole?

"This doesn't sound right, you say he can have a snack box with what he wants in it, then follow it up with you try to make it savoury and put things like bloody rice cakes in it.

Either let him have a snack box with what he wants in it or stop pretending you are. No 14 year old wanting chocolate picks rice cakes."

This. Hes clearly a sugar craver, as I am. Why fill a "snack box for him" with things he doesnt care about either way? You're just encouraging him to eat them because they are there and then ALSO try and seek out the sugar he actually wants. Putting things like mini haribo bags or kitkats in would be better.

Exactly, if you want chocolate, rice cakes, ritz crackers and twiglets are not going to cut it. He clearly wants chocolate and that's fine. Let him have whatever from his snack box, but something he wants or this is just going to turn into a war that will damage him.

Trying to control someone's food intake like this seldom works and can impact their eating habits for a lifetime.

In addition you often find a kid can get puppy fat, then suddenly shoot up and become skinny. My daughter was a little pudgy at that age. She then grew about a foot very quickly but her weight maintained and she became a very slim size eight and has maintained at that and is nearly 21. Basically a sudden growth spurt can take a child from pudgy to slim very quickly.

I’d be working on why he was secretly eating - how resilient is he? Can he talk about and express his feelings?

My experience is that 14 yr old boys are always starving, and often appear chunky until their next growth spurt. Then once interested in the opposite sex become more conscious of their appearance.
Are you feeding him enough at meal times?

Are you feeding him enough at meal times?. I was wondering this too. The amount of calories they need at 14 is phenomenal, much more than I had thought. My DS is the same age and I found this guide from the Caroline Walker Trust really, really helpful. Not only on portion sizes but also the range of nutrientsthry need. Since I’ve paid more attention to providing these, he’s eaten less junk.

I’d be talking to him about why he’s doing it too. He could be comfort eating in which case you’ll need to know why.

If he is overweight, have you tried limiting screentime and making sure he gets enough sleep? Lack of sleep and too much screentime are both associated with being overweight.

What exercise has he tried and what do you and his DF do? I know lots of parents who are very keen for their DC to exercise when they don’t do any themselves and then wondered why the DC are resistant.

Decent meals
No snacks.
That should help

Please don't punish him for this. How is his mental health, any signs of depression? Anxiety? He may be eating to cope with difficult feelings.
It could also potentially be due to an eating disorder such as bulimia or binge eating disorder.
Talk to him, and assure him that you are there and if he has any worries or if things don't improve consider making a GP appointment.

There are some really helpful points above.
I agree that his box isn't filled with what he actually wants so he's taking it from elsewhere
I'd avoid using the term 'stealing' this is all building a picture of secrecy and awkwardness.
If he is hungry and eating in private then address it gently by trying to find out what is going on.
I was a secret eater because I was hungry, dinners were small and I was always always told no I couldn't have things that I liked. So the first time I got to have them/ find them I would eat and eat.
It still recurs now, but I recognise it and can manage it.
Take him shopping with you, plan meals that he wants to and will eat. Add desserts into meals that fix his 'cravings' and be sure all his nutritional needs are met including his calorie needs for growing.

After this you have a solid ground for discussion on whether eating is boredom, hunger, for comfort.
Please don't call it stealing, it's food.

Thanks everyone, sorry for not replying earlier - been away - & I do appreciate your ideas.
We do all eat healthily & his portions are def big enough. I do exercise- he does say that I’m like a twig because I don’t snack, but I’m not & I do! His father on the other hand.........
Screen time is limited- he’s very happy reading.
I’m working in trying to find any exercise he enjoys - he won’t even go for walk unless there is food at the end of it. Unfortunately cycling is a no no because of where we live, so I’ll keep trying different things.
1 thing I hadn’t considered was actually putting sweet stuff in his snack box, though he has helped choose stuff so far. Maybe like a few of you have said I need to include 2 finger kit kats etc, so that’s going to be my 1st change.
I do wonder if comfort eating is part. He does says some times that he feels under pressure but it has been for things like having to tidy his room up/ turn his phone off/ revise so inhale found that a it hard to take seriously.
Thanks again everyone, much appreciated x

If he’s feeling under pressure, have you looked at ways of controlling that with him? Exercise can help obviously as can healthy eating but things like yoga, guided meditation, enough sleep and keeping on top homework can all help. There’s some info here on mindfullness

You mention your DH fleetingly. How’s his health and attitude to exercise and food?

Going against the grain here but it makes me sad you describe it as stealing

I had real sugar cravings as a teen, and was berated by my parents "our daughter, a thief! Blabla" I had crazy growth spurts as a teen (6ft!), and my mums lovely healthy meals just did not cut it.

In fact it is a control issue, isn't it. You control his screen time, you control his eating.... but how will he learn to self moderate this way?

My parents were very controlling about food, and I just got better at getting my own treats and better at hiding the evidence. And more desperate to leave home at 18!

It's a control thing, and not one I think you can win by laying down the law

Please don't call it stealing, or call him a thief. It makes things worse.

Are you sure he is getting enough to eat? My parents were extremely weight-conscious, and my portions were kept very small as I wasn’t as naturally skinny as them. I remember always being starving hungry as a teenager, and as I wasn’t allowed to help myself to food I ended up either buying it secretly or ‘stealing’ it from my parents cupboards. It has left me with massive issues around food.

One thing that’s coming across is how many people had their portions controlled by their parents and how many people thought that the portions simply weren’t big enough.

The Caroline Walker Trust guide that I linked to previously suggestions is letting the family serve themselves and having bread on the table if you are feeding teenagers.

It's this idea of "snack boxes" being necessary I find annoying. They're just making things worse in my opinion.

Don't buy the shit!

Apples, nuts, crackers and cheese are all I have and if my DC won't eat those then they must wait till meal times.

They do have muffins when I bake them and of course, the odd fizzy drink bought with their own money...sweets now and then....but it;'s once a week when they get "paid" and I simply won't spend money on biscuits etc.

Mine are 14 and 10...so not babies. Both can go to the shops alone.

snack boxes are just like biscuit tins, I see no harm in them, hell, we even have a "snack cupboard"!

Sometimes mine is full of nut bars, dried fruit etc. other days it's got mars bars and crunchy bars, noodle soup and crisps too

Having free access to all food in the house, has (hopefully) taught my 14 and 16 year olds to self moderate a bit. Some days the choc bars go uneaten for weeks, other days they pounce on them

They need around 3000 calories a day, or so, so that is quite a bit of food!

I can tell when they are having a growth spurt as they'll have a few weeks of almost binge eating, then calms down again.

The only thing I do is tell the younger one that if he is still hungry after 1 or 2 snacks, clearly a snack isn't enough and to just make himself a proper sandwich or something

They need around 3000 calories a day, or so, so that is quite a bit of food I was shocked when I found that out too OP. I had to up what I was serving my DS.

The only thing I do is tell the younger one that if he is still hungry after 1 or 2 snacks, clearly a snack isn't enough and to just make himself a proper sandwich or something that’s good advice too. My DS is starving when he gets in from school. Sometimes he’ll hit the biscuit tin and sometimes he’ll make a sandwich or a snack like beans on toast. We eat at 5 and he still manages to eat that too. He is growing though and they do need a phenomenal amount of calories, like you said