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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS lack of motivation

19 replies

fleecyone · 31/05/2018 22:42

Not sure what to do about DS age 18. He's coming to the end of a 2 year college course and has just about dropped out. I've tried nagging, cajoling, etc but I can't make him go if he doesn't want to. He spends most of his time with his girlfriend (although he does see his friends). He hasn't got a job, and even though he's had driving lessons paid for he is completely disinterested in actually trying to pass his test. DH is absolutely hopeless and just shouts at him. Not sure what to do - at the moment I'm just letting him get on with it and hoping he'll realise there's more to life than this. He gets £20 per week from his child benefit, but knows that will stop in August. Any ideas - it's so frustrating!

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SexyManatee · 31/05/2018 22:46

Give him a deadline date and start charging rent from then. He has to get a job. No money from you after the date, just basic board and food. Anything fun, he needs to provide for himself.

NorthernSpirit · 01/06/2018 08:41

He’s 18, he’s an adult.

He’s made the adult decision to drop out of college. I’d stop the expensive driving lessons - if he can’t be arsed it’s up to him. And now that he’s likely to get a minimum wage job how will he afford a car, insurance, running costs?

I’d stop the payouts (if he doesn’t work how does he pay for his mobile phone contribute to the household). You need to get tough - he needs to start paying for himself.

Original poster

fleecyone · 01/06/2018 08:47

But how do I motivate him? I don't want him to sit in a dead end job, and however little money I give him he always seems to get by, probably because he uses puppy dog eyes at his friends as well...Just want him to be a bit more ambitious and get out into the world!

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LemonysSnicket · 01/06/2018 09:32

So he's a leach on his friends? Get him thebook 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck' - not what it sounds like but taught me that life is about putting in the struggle and not expecting an end result without working for it.

SexyManatee · 01/06/2018 10:30

You can't make him be more ambitious unfortunately.

What will do it is a miserable life with no money. He'll learn, but he has to face that reality first.

NorthernSpirit · 01/06/2018 10:46

You can’t motivate him, it’s self driven and has to come from him.

Has he had it too easy? The harsh reality and his choice and the consequences might give him a kick up the back side.

I think kids feel a greater self of entitlement than our generation. He needs to learn. He’s 18, he’s given up college and hasn’t got a job. How is he going to live? Or does he expect you or the tax payer to fund him?

Northernsoul58 · 02/06/2018 12:14

Maybe he's genuinely afraid of being a grown-up and needs some help and guidance about how to navigate the path to the great unknown that is opening up before him. It's easy to assume that young people know how the world works, but many don't.
Has he registered with the electoral roll for example. Does he know that this will help his credit score in future? If he's not had a job before, he may be worried about how to actually get job and what will be demanded of him. (I tell my DS the only two things needed to start with are to get to work on time and do as you are told. The rest will follow.)
Often what we think of as laziness or fecklessness is just fear.

bookmum08 · 02/06/2018 12:26

What was the college course and why did he choose it? Was it intended to lead to a specific job or university subject or just picked because he was told he 'has to stay in education until 18' so he chose something but without thinking what it can lead to. Does he have any idea or clue to what he wants to do with his life? What are (or were when he was younger) his interests that are not education related. Having a hobby can sometimes lead to a form of paid work or career but often realising this or how to acheive this is usually the hard bit.

Original poster

fleecyone · 05/06/2018 19:59

Thanks Northernsoul58, but it's so difficult to talk to him. Tonight I asked him to find his retainer for an orthodontist appt tomorrow and he completely went off on one. (He has had a part time job before, but was fired as he couldn't work a shift he was asked to due to a family commitment.) I don't give a sh*t about him apparently and never have, and he's just so stressed! I don't know what about tho, at his age I was living independently albeit in crappy accommodation! I've tried to teach him all the skills he needs, but obviously as I know nothing it's fallen on deaf ears! DH is no use, basically just shouts - I'm at the point of telling them both to get out!!!

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Original poster

fleecyone · 05/06/2018 20:00

He chose music because that's all he's ever wanted to do, but he is and always has been hopeless at written work. He's like his father in that every time he encounters something difficult he gives up :( Now he's stressed out about failing the course, which he's on course to do as he hasn't done any work.

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Original poster

fleecyone · 05/06/2018 20:01

I'm in tears now as I just feel so useless.

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pilates · 05/06/2018 20:11

Do you think there could be mental health problems, depression?

Original poster

fleecyone · 05/06/2018 20:15

I don't know, he's usually quite happy go lucky, but every now and then he suddenly has a melt down saying he's stressed, and no one cares about him. Last time it coincided with him on the way to failing his GCSEs, and this time he's about to fail his college course. I'm not allowed to "nag" him about going to college, I have quite frankly given up and left it up to him. Looking at it it seems to coincide with periods of time when he's finding school/college difficult, and rather than dealing with it throws a wobbly until it goes away. But you can't go through life doing that...

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chocolateworshipper · 05/06/2018 20:20

Is it possible that he's depressed? When my mental health is bad, I subconsciously self-sabotage (I don't think I deserve anything good, so I subconsciously do things to stop anything good happening to me). Obviously he is technically an adult, but you obviously still want to help me. You could always look into apprenticeships (a way to earn whilst getting a qualification) and find an indirect way to let him know about it (leave something lying around or talk to a friend about it when he's in earshot). I'm wondering whether he'd be less stressed if he realised that exams / coursework aren't the only way to succeed.

chocolateworshipper · 05/06/2018 20:21

oh - cross post. Started the post, but had to sort out the washing mid-way!

Original poster

fleecyone · 05/06/2018 20:27

I hadn't thought about him being depressed, as apart from the times when he really goes off the handle he seems to go along on an even keel. At the moment I can't even talk to him without him shouting at me that I don't understand and don't care. I did try and get him to see the school counsellor when he got stressed about GCSEs but he wouldn't. I'm probably too soft - the son of a friend about the same age died about a year ago, and however horrible he is, I think at least he's still around :(

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chocolateworshipper · 05/06/2018 20:37

It may not be depression - but there are some signs there that it could be a mental health problem of some description. You could try reading "Stress related illness" by Dr Tim Cantopher and see if anything in there sounds like your son. I have his book on depression and it was such an eye-opener. If you want to get one of the books, I would definitely get the one on stress rather than depression - many people find it easier to accept that they are ill due to stress, rather than having depression. The stress book will also cover more conditions than just depression. By the way - even with depression, a person is not low all of the time.

Original poster

fleecyone · 05/06/2018 20:44

Thank you chocolateworshipper, I will look out for that book. I have suffered from stress in the past - I never felt low or sad, but just couldn't stop crying. Perhaps he is just manifesting in a different way.

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chocolateworshipper · 05/06/2018 20:49

Yes - the same MH condition can affect people in different ways.

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