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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

My dd is being manipulated by her gf

14 replies

XXodessaXX · 29/05/2018 01:17

My dd is 15 and in an online relationship with her gf who is 17. The gf cuts herself bounces back from parent to parent and has admitted mental issues. My dd has become addicted to talking to her online and feels like she can’t not talk to her or the girl will harm herself. My dd has gone from a B student to a failing student because her whole school day is occupied with talking to her gf. My dd also stays up all night to talk with her and they go 48hrs with no sleep. My dd’s behaviour started to change and has become violent and angry. I had to start monitoring their conversations and this girl has started to turn our daughter against us, telling her that things we do and say are abusive and is trying to convince her to runaway and be with her, my dd actually tried to do this and we had to call the police and things just got worse. We have had calls to the police and children’s aid by the gf saying we are abusing our dd and holding her against her will. She is now guiding my dd to make a case against us so she can be removed from the home and they can be together. We have started family counseling but nothing is bringing us back together as a family, this relationship has been going on 2yrs and I don t see it ending any time soon. I feel my dd is being brainwashed and there is nothing we can do to help her. We have contacted the police, our dr. and the school and it seems that we have no way to help her. My biggest concern is that she will be 16 soon and she can just leave if she wants to. I have lost all hope that we can help her and desperately need some advice or if there is something that we are doing wrong or need to be doing

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Cblue · 29/05/2018 01:26

Nowhere near qualified to answer your question but I didn’t want you to feel alone. If you try and fight this DD could rebel and just leave (and end up in a worse situation) so I suspect you are going to have to find a way to work with it. Invite gf for the weekend and make her welcome? Arrange a meet up? Does your daughter have RL friends?

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/05/2018 01:31

Wouldn't this be considered as grooming.

Imagine if the gf was a 17 year old boy, soon to be 18.

Just to check

This is someone who actually exists and not an older man or woman

8pinksnails · 29/05/2018 09:07

It's classic grooming!

Start off nice then making them reliant on you, isolate them from family and friends etc.

If you haven't already please go into your daughters school and speak to the safeguarding team (her head of year is probably a good place to start.)

I'm a teacher and did training on exactly this just a couple of weeks ago.

8pinksnails · 29/05/2018 09:09

Sorry, I just saw you said you have contacted the school, if you didn't speak to their safeguarding lead please ask to speak to them. I can't believe they wouldn't do something about this and take it seriously! If they don't then you need to complain about the school.

8pinksnails · 29/05/2018 09:19

Also have you tried the NSPCC? I would give their helpline a call. 0808 800 5000

XXodessaXX · 29/05/2018 17:29

Yes she actually exists and lives 4hrs away. She has come here once and has booked another trip for next week and I cant do anything to stop it

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CopONNotLinkedIn · 29/05/2018 17:33

Can the internet "break"?

XXodessaXX · 29/05/2018 17:41

I have talked to the school about this and they will not stop her from using her cell phone in class, they know its a problem. I took my dd to the Dr. because I was concerned about depression and the violence, my dd asked to speak to her privately and then a nurse came out and told me I will no longer be advocation for my daughter and she is now in control of her health. A week later my dd had a melt down said she needed to go to the hospital and wanted to end her life, we took her immediately, the Dr at the hospital would not speak to us without my 15yr old dd consent and sent us all home. I have come to find out that she has been seeing a social worker who has been trying to help my dd leave the home and is also speaking with the gf and giving them advice on how to be together. I feel like I'm living in bizaro world and cant understand how we cant talk to any of these people and let them know what is really going on. My dd social worker is now texting my dd and saying "it's an honour" to be helping them. I live in Canada so the resources are a little different and it seems like as parents we have no rights or ability to be able to help her.

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starsuniteonceagain · 29/05/2018 17:53

Can't you try and cut as much contact off with this evil girl? Turn the internet off, take her mobile away etc.

MrsGrindah · 29/05/2018 17:59

Of course you can stop her from visiting! You can take your daughter away if she will go. You can contact the gf and say she isn’t welcome, lock the door and refuse to answer. You need to turn the router off for a while for a start. You cant physically restrain your child but you can make it bloody difficult for them

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/05/2018 21:48

Stop paying the phone bill. Turn the internet off. Could you take her on holiday or away somewhere.

It sounds bizarre an awful.

Have you asked to speak to someone and asked what they would advise if a 15year old was being groomed by an older person.
Not actually mentioning names.

Maybe show them this from the UK

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2906787/Mother-murdered-schoolboy-says-warned-police-grooming-fears.html

XXodessaXX · 29/05/2018 22:26

I’ve taken her phone, internet and computer away and have been told by our councillor, the police and the school that I shouldn’t be doing that, it will drive her to leave and it’s the only way I can keep tabs on her. She will be 16 in 5 days and can just leave. I suggested we go away for her birthday she has refused and this girl is not coming to our home they don’t even know I know about the visit, it all been planned in secret but I’m monitoring my daughters conversations.

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Oliversmumsarmy · 30/05/2018 08:06

The only other suggestion is very risky but based on the fact that teens do the exact opposite that you want them to do.
Be approving of this relationship.

Why not have the girl over. Get to know her. Tell her she is welcome.

Do everything that makes this girl welcome.
Kill it with kindness.

As I said it is risky and you would have to be a great actress to pull it off and it could backfire.

But it is about keeping the lines of communication open. The more reasonable you are the more unreasonable her friend will seem.

Or in theory anyway.

XXodessaXX · 30/05/2018 15:56

I just want to thank everyone for there input, It's good to know that I'm not alone. I will continue to show her love and let my dd know we will be here and love her no matter what and hopefully one day whether it be at our home or somewhere else she will wakeup and see what is happing and break free from this.

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