What do you do when you're at breaking point with your young teens behaviour?

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I'm ready to break down. I can't cope with my 13 year old anymore. I need help.

I'm sorry to hear that. What's happening to make you feel like that?

Cry. Involve gp, school, poss social services. Get help. You’re not the first and won’t be the last. If it’s any consolation mine grew into lovely people eventually.

I have a 13yr old, not that that qualifies me for anything

But anyway, what's up?

Can be a tricky age...

I rang social services when I realised that I could not cope with my then 14 yo ds. I can't honestly say that they were hugely helpful overall but we got some amazing monthly respite breaks for him (which meant monthly respite for the rest of us too), which helped.

My 13 year old.
He's not 'typical' in the sense he had a life limiting her condition so we're dealing with normal teen difficulties and 2-3 hours of medication and physio on top.
It's a huge power struggle.

For instance,

DS has to do some physiotherapy everyday, this involves breathing into a machine that inflated his lungs, he has a goal number to reach which relates to the volume of air he's breathing in.
He only wants to do it by himself so he doesn't have to reach those numbers making the whole process pointless.

If an adult (me or DH) want supervise he point blank refuses to do it. If we pull rank and say that we're supervising he says stuff like 'well I'm not doing then so just know you're making me ill by not allowing me to do my medication how I want.'

This is the same with food, he's desperately underweight but if we're not feeling him what he wants wen he wants it then he refuses to eat and we get, 'when I lose more weight it will be your fault.'

He had a psychologist, he had doctors and nurses and physios and dieticians by listens to none of them.

I don't know how to place boundaries and deal with this, if it were any of the other kids hey get told, eat or go hungry.

Then there's the dreaded screen time. They have an hour a night on school days, they all struggle to go to bed and get up again.
We had a run of DS taking devices had been or up at the end of the night and sneaking them into his room. That earned him a ban for the day and he did the same thing again so in the middle of the night he was up on his phone! He doesn't seem to 'get' consequences at all and it's draining.

That sounds like a very tough situation. I can hear your struggles as you write it down. I do think, however, that you sound like a very caring parent who is doing the very best she can. I hope you can find time to do some special things for yourself. Is there a support group for parents with children needing medical care ?

I teach in a mainstream school that provides specialist provision for students with similar conditions. If they come out with stroppy teen behaviours they still get detentions. That’s the “mainstream school” experience they signed up for.

How life limiting? Do you expect him to finish school, enter the workplace, perhaps find a partner?
If the answer is yes, and I understand it may not be, in which case only you can decide which battles are worth it, he does not get to be a manipulative little a-hole. Which is what he’s currently doing. When he starts with the “it’s your fault” stuff do what you would with a typical teen. Call his bluff. Be honest with the professionals about what’s going on. He’s going to be angry and that’s understandable. Life really hasn’t dealt him a fair hand. He doesn’t get to make you all miserable though. Wishing you lots of courage and strength.

Manipulative arsehole about a dying child, really

Op, I sympathise. Similar problems with my son without the life limiting stuff. Won’t accept his disability.

Does he have contact with other teenagers with a similar disability/illness. It may help.
He has the combination of adolescence and life limiting condition. He is dependent on you but adolescence is all about independence.
Looking at holidays on his own for teenagers in a similar situation may be useful www.otw.org.uk. Give you a break too.
Does he have cystic fibrosis? If so may be worth contacting www.cysticfibrosis.org.uk
Another thing to look into is whether you can get any respite, own budget and employ a young guy that your may took up to work as a buddy/mentor. Rather than being told what to do by parents, professionals and teachers

Why, yes! I won’t do as i’m told and the consequences are your fault is a throughly nasty thing to say to somebody. Common for a teen to try if on, but not acceptable and creates monsters if left unchecked. Hard to do for child with a life limiting condition, though.

Some kindness wouldn’t go amiss then, would it?

He has advanced cystic fibrosis, he spends 2-3 weeks every 3 months in hospital at the very least. He has significant lung damage and antibiotics aren't working well anymore.

Cf patients can't meet but he does talk to some over Xbox live.
I am finding it hard to know when to tow the line to his demands to stop him getting worse (health wise) and when to say enough, you do as you're told and the consequences are on YOU.
He knows the consequences but at 13 he can't see the bigger picture.

He cannot seem to grasp the concept of taking responsibility for his actions in any part of his life, I can watch him dump tablets in the bin and challenge it and he will flatly deny he's just done it, it's infuriating and we're getting nowhere. I can't seem to make headway. The weekends in this house are hell.

Are there support groups that could advise? You say patients can't meet but could they FaceTime for example?
It must be so difficult and draining. In other circumstances you would say fine don't do the HW or whatever. But in that sort of position there's no significant consequence. But then you can't physically force him either.
What would actually convince him? There must be other parents who have faced similar.
And for you. Just because.

This sounds really hard for you all.

I don't have any experience of this situation, so my opinion counts for very little, but how life-limiting is his CF? 5 years? 10 years? Potential for longer with lung transplant? What is his current prognosis, and how aware of that is he? Have you talked to him about how he feels and what he wants? 13 is old enough to start having agency over his own life, especially considering the circumstances, imho. If the severity of his CF is seriously life-limiting, my instinctive inclination would be to give him quite a lot of autonomy over his own situation, as 'normal rules' don't apply so much. As I said, though, I have no experience of this, so please feel free to totally disregard my cack-handed advice!!

There are online support groups for parents of teens with LLConditions.
How he's behaving is not unusual. It's completely unfair that he has these problems & he's kicking against the traces.
I should think one day at a time is only way I could cope. Reframe your expectations.

Not being able to take responsibility for his actions is completely, completely normal. But he’s also showing you he’s not ready to be autonomous.

I don’t know if the techniques Ross Greene uses would work
www.livesinthebalance.org

That sounds really hard. I guess he is doing the same thing every teen is doing - rebelling, trying to gain independence etc but for him it can make him more unwell. Is there somewhere in his life he can have control so he doesn't feel like you are making all his decisions?

Might sound a bit harsh, but maybe if he gets worse and increasing hospital time is necessary that would be a good lesson to learn. Talk to doctors etc about that idea, but if they're onboard it could be worth a try.

Ask him if he wants to die cause ure killing ureself that little bit every time u don't take medication or do his breathing say fine u do the breathing machine he is 13 not 3 show him how it's done and sit down and watch if he does it right if not show him again the Next day just keep doing it as he gets older he needs to do this stuff himself trust me it will cause less arguing and he myt not like swallowing tablets can u maybe get medicine in a bottle for him if not tell him when he's to take them don't shout at him if he doesn't take.yhem put them to the side for later but he just lost tablet time before bed and do that he will soon start talking them my son only eats certain things so I make his dinner seperate is it that difficult then there's no arguing there and hex eating that's the main thing also he has an illness he probably getting down about it give him a break and learn to trust him and let go he will like doing it on his own just show him once each day and best of all no need for arguments