Daughter won't go to family wedding

[fairlybalancedmum]

Hi everyone. Don't know what to do with this situation with my almost 13 year old daughter. She is consistently saying she doesn't want to go on holidays, days out and now a family wedding a distance away and just wants to stay at home. What can we do? Her dad had a life-threatening illness about 5 years ago while we were away abroad on holiday and she had to be cared for by family for 6 weeks. He is fine now. Maybe this is affecting her? I am presuming she is anxious but do I force it? It is making family life difficult and I feel sad we can't enjoy events like other families. Anyone had any similar experiences? Thanks

From your title I thought she was going to be 15ish. 12 is young to be eschewing stuff like this. So, it may well be related to the difficult events of five years ago rather than just the usual teen angst/rebel phase.

How is she when it's something more "domestic" (e.g. local pub beer garden) as opposed to a day out further afield? She might be worried about something bad happening at a distance.

I wouldn't force it if she is anxious. My teen suffers anxiety, self harm and depression. we don't force her into things, we gently push and cajole. One thing which does help is knowing she has an out i.e a quiet room just for her if she needs to escape and/or her door key and taxi fare home depending on the situation/how far from home she is. Allowing her to bring a friend helps too.

When you are out try not to make her the centre of attention- don’t embarrass her in any way - as long as she is there. Let her stay in the background if that is what she prefers.
I was that girl. Staying home didn’t do me any favours - it just made me more reclusive.

Thanks everyone for your helpful answers. Yes I think gentle persuasion is better than forcing her. I do think its more likely anxiety than just being difficult. She is fine with familiar things locally. She is a quiet girl who loves being at home. I think its more frustration on my part. I expected her to be as excited as I am about the event and we'd all have a good time.

She’s 12, your the adult, you decide.

What does she say when you ask her why she doesn't want to go?

I was like this I used to get terribly home sick on holidays even if I was with with my parents my parents knew this this just used to keep me chatting and plan things they knew I would be excited about and lots of reassurance if truth be told I still get a little like that as an adult and dh is brilliant about it.

I think the other posters have missed the bit where you say her dad had a life threatening illness on holiday a few years ago. Could you afford counselling for her? This is clearly the source of her anxiety.

You have all given me a lot of help with this - thanks. She says its the long drive and the fact she won't know anyone there. I guess I can see her point. We might fly. I'm sure we can make it a better experience for her.

Try and make the trip to the family wedding more enjoyable by finding Something fun to do the day after so she focuses on that rather than the wedding.