16yo DS is an arsehole.

[Albuquerque]

My eldest son is a arsehole.
There is no other way to describe him I'm afraid.

We've been through hell and back with him as he was suicidal and depressed due to bullying and extreme social anxiety.

We did everything possible to help him and he's finally on the mend (it's been a long year)

Anyway, he's now decided that he doesn't like us at all or his brother (13).
He doesn't want us asking about his day or his girlfriend or his friends or plans (despite his girlfriend spending time here)

I can't talk to him because it "makes him depressed"
Me and DH feel like we have to go easy on him because he's still in therapy and on medication etc and we don't want to make things worse or push him.

My 13yo has noticed and feels DS1 is now the golden boy.

All the while we have two younger severely disabled children to take care of so it is quite stressful.

DS1 is a good kid, has good grades and we know where he is whenever he goes out (which isn't often unless he's meeting his girlfriend at Costa or the cinema)
He has sleepovers at his friends houses and has built up a small circle of friends that he never used to have (we took him out of school and he's in a different type of learning environment but starting a new school again in September which was completely his choice)

Anyway he's just a total selfish arsehole! I love him to bits but by god I have to bite my tongue when he tells me that he's at the age where he doesn't like his parents.

He has the most secure, stable home life you could ever dream of and we are good parents who don't put pressure on him and try to instill the message that happiness is more important than career/grades but just try your best etc yet he doesn't like us? Wtf?

Bloody special snowflake!

I suppose I'm trying to ask (in a longwinded way) if this is normal?
I always thought that as the children got older we would get closer but that couldn't be further from the truth and it's quite upsetting.

P.S, the name calling is just trying to add humour into our situation otherwise we would break down and we only ever call him an arsehole or snowflake behind his back

Thank you for any advice x

Call him an arsehole to his face. He might have a think.

My 16yr old autistic DS is definately an arsehole. I as mum can do no right would prefer anyones company to mine unless hes anxious then its a different story.
I think its typical teenager stuff maybe more typical with a younger teen but there may be a delay in the emotional maturity.
Take the good points he has a girlfreind and is socialising id give my right arm for that. Just ignore the rest unless it becomes too unbearable

Think of it as a biological imperative. If teenagers didn't drive their parents bonkers and vice versa, kids would have absolutely no incentive to move out of their comfortable family homes where they are fed, clothed and loved. They would stay with you forever and the human race would die out because no one can shag their partner senseless with their parents next door.

Yep as neolara says they need to do this in order to leave and find their own way.

Imagine your cute 7 year old wanting to fly the nest, you'd be bereft. Whereas teens .... off you go, close the door behind you please

It's the age. I'd ignore him for a while.

We also have a kid who needed a lot of support and help with MH issues around the same age and her sister once said to us "it is like the DD1 show all day all the time". Sounds like your 13 year old feels the same. We took that on board and now consciously check ourselves when we find ourselves tiptoeing around dd1. You kind of have to try to separate out the MH issues from the normal teen crap and not let them off with just anything.

Absolutely standard, I’m afraid.

I didn’t keep my cool, of which I am deeply ashamed. it sounds as though you are doing much better than I did.

Fight the important stuff. Leave the rest. Manners at table, right and wrong. Consequences. So, leaving his stuff on the floordrobe, if he wants it washed he has to put it in the dirty clothes basket. Just let the rolled eyes and sighs, the bitch face and voice, the martyrdom, wash past you.

If in desperation, say with an amused voice you wish him several children like him.

Pallisers is right.

Yep I came on having seen only the OP to say that this is totally normal in our experience.
Both my DSs have emerged from this as lovely young men. Give it 5 years. I found it a bit like grown up terrible 2s.

And pallisers is right

Oh thank you so very much everyone.
That's such an enormous relief.

Sorry you all have arsehole teens too, and yes, it will definitely make him moving out much easier!

So what would you say if the behaviour comtinued? My DD is 21 & still behaves like this. I am not joking. Its so annoying.

My ds is 29 and living with his partner. He's still an arsehole, but I fear it's too late 😫

I have a couple of arseholes too

One is gay with MH issues. He is treated very differently than the other by necessity. It's really not fair on the eldest but there isn't much I can do about that, tbh

I can't wait until they both leave home. Whenever I see "empty nest syndrome" type posts I nearly crack a rib laughing.

One of mine is treated quite differently as she's such hard work and makes silly decisions, very immature for her age. Still needs a lot of input from us at 17.

Her sister just quietly gets on with life, studies, works part time, lovely set of friends, no bother. Is always where she says she's going to be etc. I can leave her overnight without worrying she's going to have a wild party.

Not fair really is it

My eldest is a proper pain!

He is so rude and treats me like I am thick, I know nothing. He genuinely believes he knows it all. Dh and I refer to him as a real life parody of a horrid teenager.

I see the lovely boy I know is in there sometimes and it's a reminder it's just a phase. Plus he is doing really well at school and he is polite to other adults.

I do feel hopeful he will leave home for university, I think it will be good for him and for us.

I've actually called mine an arsehole before and I've told him when he's being a dick.

I think it's just the age