15 year old daughter has no life, now wants to get pregnant but doesn't have boyfriend.

[pollyinabus]

I have no clue what to do. She is not in school and refuses to go to any home ed study groups that I pay for her to attend or engage in any learning whatsoever. I didn't want to home ed but she has changed schools 3 times in 2 years, and is a refuser. Don't think I haven't tried to make it work, god I have, but after I had my son a year ago I was suffering with PPD and it was all just too much, keeping her at home took some stress off me, as when I tried to get her up for school she'd lash out.

She has been on home "ed" since September. She was quite popular in school but when she stopped going she dumped all of her friends as she couldn't be arsed with them outside of school (though I suspect the friendship group fell apart, not that she will admit that). I hate that she doesn't have a social life but I have tried to get her mixing, going to study groups etc and even trying to get her back in touch with her old Y7 friends but she won't do it. She is very lonely I think but struggles with low self esteem. She has no friends, and def doesn't have a boyfriend. I know you are thinking "she might have one but won't tell you" but she is never left home alone as I stay in all day with my son anyway, and I always make her come with me when I run errands just to get her out of the house. Unless she's keeping him in the attic then there is no logical way she has a boyfriend, at least not one she actually sees in person (and that's my worry!).

She was staying at her dad's this weekend (which is a rare occurrence as he has issues of his own which led to our divorce, but that's another story. She's not stayed with him in 2 years.) and I finally took the opportunity to clean her room. It's been 8 months since I've had chance to do so as she's always in it. I found unused 2 pregnancy tests under the bed. I started panicking, wondering who she could be having sex with and when she's getting the chance etc, it just didn't make sense. I went to pick her up as soon as I found them and I could tell from the way her face dropped when I said I'd cleaned her room that she knew I must have them. I tried to talk to her about it in the car on the way home but she refused to talk.

I didn't get chance to talk to her that evening, she went straight up to her room and I was busy with my son who picked the perfect time to throw a temper tantrum. I went to give her a drink before bed and she said she wanted to explain. She told me that she has never had sex, and doesn't have a boyfriend of anything. I asked why she had the pregnancy tests, and she broke down and told me she wants a baby. Of course I asked her why on earth she wants that at her age but she says she feels like she is stupid, boring and will never amount to anything so at least being a mum would give her a purpose in life. She's also very lonely and I think she believes having a baby will distract from that, but being a single teen mum is one of the most isolating things that can happen to someone. I told her that having a baby would ruin all her hopes and dreams, that her peers would be travelling around the world and thinking about uni and she'd be stuck at home changing nappies and struggling to make ends meet. She just said that didn't matter, all her dreams are shattered anyway as she isn't going to get any GCSE's or go to college. I'm absolutely heartbroken.

I asked her how she plans to have a baby without a boyfriend and she wouldn't say, I was starting to worry so continued to push her. I told her I wanted to check her phone to make sure she hasn't been talking to blokes and such online and then she admitted she'd joined Tinder and lied about her age on the app (she easily passes for 18). She says that several times she arranged to meet 18 year old lads at hotel's etc but then doesn't have the courage to go (small mercies, I guess). The plan has been to meet one of these men, lie about birth control, have sex, get pregnant and then never speak to the father again. I've taken her phone away, and messaged all the men on Tinder telling them that she is a child and that they need to block her on any forms of social media that they may have added her on. I then deleted her account.

Let me make this clear, she doesn't want a boyfriend, she just wants the means to have a baby.

I don't know to do. Should I try and force her to go back to school? She keeps telling me that she is desperate to be a mum and that not having a baby makes her feel suicide. I'm at my wits end and so worried about her. These aren't typical teenage issues and I feel so alone in dealing with this. Where did I go wrong? How can I protect her and also help her get her life back on track? I could type forever but I'm crying now so I need to stop.

This is very sad OP. She sounds desperately lonely.

I think she really needs to speak to her GP about this, if she's obsessing over this it's really not healthy and her behaviour re:social media places her in a very compromising position.

Is she in contact with anyone with regards to her mental health?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy She's not currently got any such help. I've been trying to get her to see a GP for her general anxiety but she refuses to go as she's embarrassed about her lack of friends etc. I feel like she definitely needs CAMHS involvement at this point, so I'm going to ring the GP tomorrow. I just don't know if I can force her to go. She needs help but she won't see that.

I'd agree that she definitely needs some involvement and more support than you can humanly give her.

Speak to her GP and see what your options are.

Yes re gp contact. Does she like animals? Would she be interested in horses? Equine therapy has proved very effective in my experience.any chance you have to broaden her horizons i.e. Church, youth club, volunteering - donating to charity shop or animal shelter/ collection orbeing part of fan club would help. Does she have any aunties or similar that can help her? Encourage any hobbies she has- flowers or makeup or football etc.

I have no real advice, but just wanted to say you and your daughter sound so lovely. I've got tears in my eyes reading what you wrote.

She sounds similar to me when younger although I did finish school and got my gcses. I did go on to have a baby at 16, and I'm now 33, and am a professional with a career, 3 children, mortgage and am otherwise a fully functioning adult.

Of course it would be best if she doesn't follow through her plans. Sadly, experience tells me that nothing you can say will change her mind if she is truly dead set on it.

I really hope she gets some professional support to help her through what is such a tricky time in her life.

You're a wonderful mum. Just remember that. X

I think she had had sex op.

Probably when she was at her dad's, there's now way she'd bother buying pregnant yet if she's never done it.

I don’t think so magic, at 15 she may well
think she can use a test the next day after having sex so has bought them to have ready.

Don’t want to read and run. Don’t have any good advice. No matter what happens be there for her. My heart breaks for you.

I meet many many teenage girls who yearn to have babies at this age because what they think they will get is someone who will love them unconditionally. Of course, they have absolutely no idea what life with a baby is really like. What they all have in common is a fucked up family background, leading to low self-esteem and depression.

Sorry polly, her father's behaviour and rejection of her is not your fault, so please don't think I'm trying to blame you.

Your daughter needs urgent professional intervention. She is at risk of sexual exploitation. Do try to get her to your GP, but if you can't, contact your Local Authority/County Council for both Social Services and the Education Authority. She needs a Social Worker, educational provision and mental health support. Tell them what you've told us, be completely honest and be persistant. This is too much for you to deal with on your own without professional support. The support is out there but you need to be honest and assertive to access it.

Mammysin Unfortunately she is allergic to horses, she went for one lesson at 8 and had to leave after a few minutes. She is very much in to makeup, and used to run her own amateur makeup tutorial channel on Youtube that she managed with friends. It feel apart when she left school and her self esteem plummeted. She's given up all of her hobbies etc, I've been recommending teen groups for her to go to but she just isn't interested

It's like she only wants one thing out of life and it's heartbreaking. I've told her if she's that desperate for a baby then maybe she could go back to school, get her GCSE'S and complete college, and then think about a baby straight after that, as that way she'd be in a better position to provide for the child. And having a baby at 20/21 would be miles better than at 15

What about suggesting she do childcare at college or online alongside voluntary placements? She'd get to spend time with babies and toddlers and it would have her out the house and doing something. When I was the same age I quit school and started volunteering at a nursery, and it did build my confidence. Otherwise what about suggesting a dog, something for her to take care of and give her some responsibility and to get her out the house every day.

She doesn't want a baby. She wants someone to love her unconditionally that has no other calls on their time. I suspect that the timing of this (school refusing at the same time as you are (necessarily) pre-occupied with the baby) is the perfect storm. In her head, her own baby would provide the validation she needs.
Are you single? If not, I would suggest that your partner steps up on the baby side while you concentrate on the much needier teen at this point. I'm assuming that she doesn't have a close relationship with the new baby's father.
But yes. GP and some counselling set up asap.

She sounds quite seriously depressed. Don't think of this baby issue as a problem to be solved, but a way of her telling you how unhappy and lonely and miserable she is. Like @HeddaGarbled said.

I'd suggest that what you need to do, is both show that you understand how she is feeling and that you that know she is suffering (show her empathy); but also that this is a dreadful state of affairs and that she deserves much much more out of life (offer her hope). To that end I'd get her down the GP sharpish. Request an appointment with a GP who is good with depression and mental health. Go with her. Do a bit of reading on depression. Help her understand that it may require all three of medication, talking therapy and lifestyle changes. Good luck.

What about college...she can start at 16? She can pick whatever she is interested in doing(obviously within certain limits). It would be a fresh start,and something to look forward to. Maybe something to do with child minding? In the meantime is there any babysitting jobs she could do,this would get her out and about,maybe a confidence boost,earn herself a few quid,plus show her the reality of looking after kids.

She desperately needs to be back in school.

And op,there is the possibility she already had sex,but I fear if you try push her too much to tell you,she'll go the opposite way,and go even more in to herself. Try reassure her,that no matter what she's done,will ever do,afraid she'll do,she can tell you anything,without judgement and that you'll do everything you possibly can for her. Just keep repeating that to her...if possible try get as much one and one time together that you can.

Would she go to a FE college and do maths & English and a Level 2 course there? Maybe childcare? College might be a bit more free than school. A childcare course might take some of the baby-yearning away and make her realise how hard it is?

I agree medical/mental health/counselling sounds like a must somehow.

Could she help look after a friend’s (preferably awfully behaved) children? Or babysitting? Maybe she has an unrealistic view of what caring for children is like.

Agree that she needs some focus to get her back on track. Could be school, job, volunteering, hobby or something else.

Would her allergies (and everything else that's going on) allow you to get a pet?

Reminds me in a way of my DS who had social and behaviour difficulties (for different reasons from your DD) and the deputy head fixing me with a gimlet eye and asking "does he have pets?" I realised I was not being asked, I was being told, and two kittens duly made their appearance in our lives. Cats suited our lifestyle reasonably well and I am quite fond of cats - a dog would probably have been better for DS but we could not have met the needs of a dog at that time. The cats (while not the most sociable pets we could have had, even by cat standards!) were a big benefit as undemanding companions to DS.

Though it might only work if you are willing and able to take on quite a lot of the day to day to care because if she is depressed (which it sounds as if she is) she may not reliably have the energy to do it. Perhaps don't present it as getting the pet "for her" but as you are thinking of getting a pet and just involving her in decisions, choosing the individual animal, etc. Then the pet can be as much "hers" as she wants.

I think working with kids sounds like a happy medium. Could she volunteer at a baby group if she’s home all day? Maybe even find one specific to teen mums (so she can see/hear the reality of it). Suggest working with kids and encourage her to do childcare at college.

Part of the reason she is home all day might be she is clinging to you for security - a fear that if she leaves the house then her mother will "disappear" either physically the same way that her father did or emotionally. Having a new sibling must have raised the fear, and PPD could have made that fear worse. It sounds as if (among many other things going on) DD is as afraid to leave her mother alone as you are afraid to leave her.

I asked her why on earth she wants that at her age

She hasn't developed an adult sense of irony or she would just have asked you the same question back - why on earth did you want another baby, at your age? And from her (childish) point of view and all irony aside, why did you want another baby when you already have her? She was already feeling insecure and so (irrationally) she is probably feeling displaced and replaced by your new baby. So now she is clinging on to you for dear life. And wanting a baby of her own as someone who will definitely love her the way your new baby loves you.

If you can afford home ed study groups can you also afford any family therapy? It might help make her feel more confident at home and that in turn could make it easier for her to get out to school or college or to socialise.

Your daughter needs urgent help go back to doctor and ask to be referred to child psychologist check her phone every day at random times this is very dangerous trying to meet older men she could have got into a situation she couldn't handle now she clearly has no focus in her life ryt now she's away from school he'd friends shes isolating herself which isn't gd I think it's time u gave her the choice either go back to school or start meeting back up with friends and we will roll u in college for August doing a course u like but if u do that she has to agree to start talking to her friends being around them again will bring some of her self confidence back and she can be a teen again is there one friend she was perticulary close to possibly u could reach out to her on ure daughter fone when u're checking it dont tell her about baby thing jysc sag she's having a hard time and really needs s friend worth a try the more she stays in house with u she's not going to go anywhere also ask friend if anything happened at school that made her want to leave as she was in school had a great group of friends then just gives all that up why

And to that nutter above my post is this women not allowed to have another baby she is old enough to make that decision why would she not have a baby cause her dd would feel like she's pushed out by the baby well if that's what u think is stupid she's 15 not 5 her my is giving her plenty of attention

It's a very difficult situation. She sees the gratification your baby has given you and she wants that for herself.

What triggered her school refusal, do you know? I agree with a previous poster, she does need to be seen my a psychological professional because there is a lot more going on here than "I want a baby"

Can I ask how your PND manifiested? Was she allowed to be involved with your baby, did she get to care for him, leave the room with him, be alone and bond with him? She'd have been fourtten when he was born - old enough to have full care for an hour or two while you had a bath - did she get to do this or were you very protective (My own PND made me overprotective and I wouldn't let anyone else care for my baby)