Dd self harming help!

[Bluelonerose]

I'm in absolute bits I've just got off the phone to the school and they told me dd (13) has been self harming. I'm devastated that she hasn't come to me with what's wrong.

Where do I go from here? Her teachers going to get the school nurse involved but do I take her to the Dr? What if she won't go?

Please can anyone offer me any advice she'll be home in 30 minutes and I don't think I can face her

I have no advice at all but didn't want to read and run.
Can you perhaps just talk to her calmly? Try to calm down a bit before she comes home.

I really hope this all turns out OK for you both.

Talk to her calmly when she gets in...don't ask to see what shes done. Explain that you're going to make a doctors appointment for her. Ask them to refer you to Camhs and set up a meeting with the school. How did the school find out?

Thanks for replying. I've calmed down a little and she's text saying she won't be back till later so I've got some time.

She's been a bit up and down at school lately getting into trouble etc. Her teacher saw she was upset so took her off for a chat and she told her.

I think I'm more upset that she hasn't spoke to me rather than the fact that she's doing it which I no sounds bizzare but I had and still do have such a horrendous relationship with my own dm I wanted to be approachable. Her teacher said she's scared I'll be cross with her

I don't I just want to help.
What do I do if I can't get her to go to the Drs? She's stubborn as anything and I can't see her going volentenaly. Can I ask for something else?
Tbh the phone call shocked me so I'm all over the place.

I know it's hard but try to stay calm as your being distressed may make her feel she can't talk to you about it.
I work with teens who self harm and parents and there can be lots of reasons why teens self harm and why they don't tell anyone.
I would calmly explain that school have told you (they may have told her they have to tell you) and that you are not cross or upset (even if you are) but that you want to help. Sometimes the self harming can be because they don't know how to express what's happening for them so it's not always that there is a clear cut "why" if that makes sense. It might be helpful to be clear that if she feels like harming herself again, she can always come to you for support but she does not have to explain what she's feeling or why as that can be hard to do. Maybe have a code ("mum can we have a cuppa" or something) that lets you know she needs some support but means she doesn't have to worry about articulating the problem.
In terms of support, dr or school can do a CAMHS referral and schools are often better placed to do so as they know children better than the GP. School may also have access to early support/counsellors rather than CAMHS who may not see her due to referral criteria. There also some good online resources/books/apps that are helpful as well if that's something that would help.

Sorry to hear about your dd. Been there, know that feeling of feeling let down when they can't turn to you. I once came home from having had a root canal done to find that my dd had taken an overdose. It hurt like hell.

But you have got to keep your own feelings to one side for the time being. Just be grateful to anyone being there for her just at the moment, it is not an indictment of your parenting skills, sometimes it is hard to tell the people who care most about us- simply because we know it would hurt them most. That is probably what she meant when she said she was scared you would be cross: she was afraid of seeing your pain.

So you need to reassure her that you are stronger than she thinks, that for the time being she doesn't have to worry about your feelings because there is nothing so bad that you can't cope with it.

Tell her you are glad she felt able to speak to her teacher, tell her you want to help her in any way and that that includes helping her to get into contact with other people who can help. Accept that she may not be able to tell you everything. Be her rock.

The fact that she told the teacher of her own volition, I think shows that deep down, she knows its wrong and she wants to stop, but can't. I'd be quite firm, nice and calm, but still firm and say you'll be with her every step of the way. She doesn't have to talk to the GP if she doesn't want to. I hope you're ok tonight

Understand how you feel - have had similar here. You can talk to the doctor yourself without her there if she doesn't want to go. Get letter from school if necessary as evidence.

Also try not to panic. Have had minor self harm on and off for several years - it's never escalated into something worse.

Honestly, really don't panic. It's obviously understandable because it's so hard to understand why they would hurt themselves, but please try and avoid asking them why they did it as a lot of self harmers can't give a reason themselves and she could feel under pressure. Reassure her that you're there, you aren't angry but you want to help. Self harm is rarely down to actual suicidal intention but more a coping mechanism when things just get too much.

If she can identify times that she feels the need to self harm, if she feels she wouldn't want to speak to you, see if she'll have a look at an app called Calm Harm. It gives distraction techniques for however many minutes which is sometimes all that's needed to get out of that mindset at the time. Or things such as drawing on her arm in red pen can help, even an elastic band to ping on the wrist can too.

It is so hard, and speaking as a former self harmer, parent and nurse, you can and will both get through this

I've recently discovered DD, 14, is self harming and having suicidal thoughts. We've just come back from the doctor's, who is arranging an emergency CAHMS referral. She has warned me that given the hugely overstretched children's mental health services, an appointment may not be forthcoming for a while. My question is, would you inform the school? I am in two minds, as I know she would hate the school to know but on the other hand, it would seem sensible as she could be self harming there too? Trying to be very calm about this...

@Isanyoneoutthere sorry to hear that, i think it would be sensible to email or call her head of year or tutor and ask them to make the necessary people aware just to keep an eye on her

How's it going OP?

A child who is self harming is a child who is suffering in silence. Try to find out why she is suffering.

OP, I was in your child's position rather than being the parent. Horrendous self harm.

Whatever else you do, please please validate how she is feeling; "you understand", "you know she's hurting", etc.

Don't validate the self harm obviously but I will never forget the Dr I saw with my parents when everything can out who, promptly after my mother had told him she had tried to top herself a few years earlier, announced that I was attention seeking and he couldn't see any reason for my self harm. All of my feelings and emotions were destroyed and swept under the carpet in one fell swoop.

Good luck OP. You, as a family, can get through this.

Oh dear Jamboree05 . How awful of that doctor who could not possibly have known what was going on.

She's took the first step get hrr a Phyc appt straight away they will offer cahms say yes I'll take that and a Phyc appointment and don't leave till she gets the Phyc she gets treatment for it cahms can do the treatment over 20+ weeks but they stop once she stops doing it but it can be to quick refuse I've just seen a post she was better they said and she had a complete breakdown get both of the doc but listen thete are different groups at school and one is self harming group just make she's not they try and see who's cut the biggest it's sick people join just for friends

Jamboree so sorry u went through that it's often classed as attention which destroy even more I hope u got help and are ok now

Hi OP

Only just seen this. I've been there with a self-harming DD and more than happy to share my experience if you are still checking this thread?