Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What do i do

14 replies

binbagmom · 09/05/2018 20:58

Hi Everyone, 1st time poster on here. Need advice please
My eldest is 17 he will be 18 in a few months time. Hes come to me and asked me if he could go to a party for one of his friends house this weekend. Hes an honest fella we get on great other than his moods swings nothing out of the norm. He said that there will be drink there. He said I'm not gonna lie id rather you know and he wants to stay over in his mates house afterwards.
As soon as he asked my stomach turned I get so anxious when hes out the fear of god is put in me that somethings gonna happen, even when he calls my at school to check in my heart races thinking that there's something wrong.
Anyway back to what my post is about, do I let him go to the party? I told him I didn't want him to go purely because I'm so worried something will happen but I don't want him to resent me from stopping him being out with his friends. He said ah its ok I wont go and we left it at that but now I feel guilty.
What do I do??

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 09/05/2018 21:01

My goodness he is 17 years nearly 18 years old you need to let him go, in a few months you wont have any choice in the matter anyway. He also sounds like a sensible boy.

TheVastMajority · 09/05/2018 21:02

He sounds lovely, but you are putting all your fears onto him and curtailing his social life. You need to let him grow up. Let him go to a party and have a drink. Far better he learns how to drink sensibly before he goes to uni or before he turns 18 and turns into a beer monster.

The issue is you, not him.

YourHandInMyHand · 09/05/2018 21:08

He'll be 18 in a few months, he's been honest and upfront with you, he sounds like a sensible lad, and quite sweet if he checks in with you during school hours! I'd let him go, and I'd tell him to call you IF he needs your help or advice but otherwise to just be sensible and enjoy himself.

He'll be 18 soon so you need to start giving him a little freedom and personal responsibility.

sparklepops123 · 09/05/2018 21:10

Trust in what you’ve brought him up to be. Let him go, if he drinks too much he’ll be the one with the hangover

MissConductUS · 09/05/2018 21:13

How well do you know the mate he'll be visiting? Would he agree to some rules on the drinking?

My eldest just turned 18 and is off to uni in the fall. At some point you have to practice loving detachment.

starsandstuff · 09/05/2018 21:15

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. You're thinking of the worst case scenario. What's the best case scenario? That he goes and has a nice time and is perfectly fine. That outcome is much more likely than something terrible. Let him go - thank him for being honest with you and genuinely hope he enjoys himself. I mean this kindly, but make this about what he needs (to be a normal teenage boy) and not about what you need.

Original poster
binbagmom · 09/05/2018 21:16

Thanks thevastmajority......I was hoping for a reply like that to be honest other than hearing my own rationale. He is a sensible boy I know he is, its the big bad world I'm afraid of, I was seventeen once and I have my I know it all hat on. The issue is 100% me I'm such a worrier always have been. I just don't want it to get to a point where I say yes to everything and let him walk all over me and doesn't listen to a word I say. I know hes going to be an adult in a few months time and then I cant tell him what to do either. Its just the part of him being gone the whole night out drinking worrys me

OP posts:
Original poster
binbagmom · 09/05/2018 21:29

thank you all for the replies I really mean that. Yes I am a very anxious parent, i'm an adult chid of an alcoholic father, growing I was always on my guard out of fear something might happen and its yet to happen, 20 something years of it will do that to a girl. I know I shouldn't let my anxiety get in the way of him growing up I really do know that, not sure how I can switch it off i'd love to be able to do that. I know things could be a hell of a lot worse and I've seen worse

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/05/2018 21:32

Let him go. I'm amazed this hasn't arisen before now.

PandaG · 09/05/2018 21:40

Let him go. Has he had alcohol before? Does he know his limits? DS is now 18 so can buy his own, but since he has been in sixth form we have sent him off to parties with a couple of bottles of decent beer, and said that and no more. He has occasionally drunk alcohol with us with a meal or at a family BBQ or similar since he was about 14, going from a half to a couple of bottles as he got older, and bigger.

If your son has not had alcohol before I can understand why you might be concerned about him going out and drinking, but I think at nearly 18 you have to let him go. We provided the alcohol for our son, so we knew what he was drinking and so he wasn't trying to buy it himself

starsandstuff · 09/05/2018 21:45

OP sorry you had a difficult childhood. I totally understand you having issues with anxiety, and well done being able to parent what sounds like a nice young man who is able to be honest with you. Have you thought about counselling to be able to work through your own stuff? In the meantime www.getselfhelp.co.uk is a great place for some ways to help manage the worrying. Good luck.

bigTillyMint · 09/05/2018 21:47

He sounds sensible and he's nearly 18.
Has he drunk before? Does he understand that some beers are stronger than others and that vodka and other spirits are much, much stronger? Does he know that it takes a bit of time for the effects to be noticeable to him/others?

Does he know that he should try to pace himself and that if he doesn't want to drink much, holding a bottle of beer noone will know how little he has had.

I also had an alcoholic parent so understand your worries, but he needs to learn to look after himself - he is almost an adult.

BackforGood · 09/05/2018 22:08

I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood, but it sounds like you've raised a lovely, sensible, honest young man. Of course you should let him go. Your OP does read as if you were writing about a 15 yr old.

Original poster
binbagmom · 09/05/2018 22:33

I've decided to let him go and I've told him there earlier he was chuffed.

I know I sound over protective and like a helicopter mom but I'm still his mum and every fiber in my body wants to protect him and by being overly caution is all I know how to do that. I know I need to cut the cord for both our sakes but it's not easy

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page