Motivating 13 year old

[greeneggblueegg]

DS is in Y8. He is moderately dyslexic and although has struggled especially with self-confidence seemed to be doing ok.

He is in lower sets but over the last year has complained of being bored and unchallenged. So at last parents evening we took the bull by the horns and discussed with his teachers him being stretched with extension work with a view to maybe moving up. School was happy to do this and spent a lot of time devising extra work.

Well we have just been given detailed updates from his teachers and am feeling totally ridiculous. Across the board we have been told he has made no increased effort in attitude or effort. Very little of the extension work has been completed and what has is of a really shoddy standard. Any opportunity offered by the teachers to go over the work has been ignored.

I have no idea where to go with this. Feeling very foolish that his teachers have not had their efforts reciprocated especially after me and DH pushed for this.

DS will never find school work easy and therefore I need to tread carefully but equally the reports show he is being a lazy little sod who just can't be arsed and needs a good kick up the backside!

Any ideas on where we go with this are much appreciated

Does he still have the extension work?
I’d sit with him and see if it’s a level he’s happy with.
A lot of attitude about schoolwork comes from confidence. If he lacks confidence at the moment and is worried about trying in case he doesn’t improve, that can come across as he can’t be bothered.
When he realises he can improve with a little bit of extra work, he’ll probably get a boost in confidence and try more.
It may require a bit more involvement from you and your dh at this stage.

Sorry it’s a difficult one I have a DD mildly dyslexic also in year 8. I also find it really hard to motivate her. She attends a v large secondary and was in set 4 maths in year 7 and did quite well in her test. So got moved up two classes in maths. But in most things she seems to be in middle sets and just below middle for English. She rarely seems to do any homework, hides her homework planner and is very secretive but she seemed to be doing ok in her interim report. We’ll find out how she’s really doing at parents eve this week.
It’s a hard one we also struggle to noviciate DS in year 9. But after many heated discussions we decided to leave him to it but if School contact us or if their is anything about missed homework in his planner or on school reports IT gadgets will be removed for a goodly while.

Thank you both

DH and I have always been very careful not to put too much pressure on him. Undiagnosed dyslexia until yr 6 meant his academic confidence was rock bottom.

After a steady start in Yr 7 (sets 3&4) his confidence seemed to soar this year and initial reports said he was doing really well.

It was him who said he was bored which now makes me cross as he clearly hasn't risen to the challenge. Teachers all said he should be completing extension work without our help so we stood back.

Motivating any child in y8 or y9 is often hard. Some children are motivated. Care and they work. Most kids aren't. Bare minimum.
I know 50 boys through football. All the same. Ds1 drives me made. Does only enough to get by.
Same with every other football playing boy I know. Many of these are very bright and in top sets, and still don't do that much!!

Or so I was told by EVERY other mum of ds1's football tournament this weekend.

Can't comment of the dyslexia side of things, but please rest assured this is not uncommon, generally.

It is really difficult OP, especially if you and the school are doing everything in your power to help. My DC does homework but it will be the bare minimum - if the teacher asks for a minimum of 100 words they will get 100, not a word more. Same goes for studying for assessments, just the bare minimum. We have had tears about being moved down sets and conversations about how just a bit more effort could make a big difference but nothing has changed. I am not sure what the answer is but hopefully someone else will have some wise words.

But You do need to see him down and explain to him how you feel.

Did you misunderstood what he was saying previously when he said he was bored?

because you need to say to him: I went that extra mile, approaching teachers for extension Work and now I've been made to look foolish.

Ask him why he hasn't? Done it. Or did you misunderstand what he meant. (Ie play dumb, to tell him how you feel but imply you can't understand why he didn't step up to the effort)?

Time, I've been on MN for donkeys years and I still don't have the answer to that question of how to motivate s bare minimum child.

I live in hope

So glad it isn't just me or that I'm some kind of pushy parent.

We do everything possible to help him including a private tutor but at some point he is going to need to take on responsibility for his learning. He has as yet no career in mind so we can't even use that as a prod.

Like PP have said, it is total bare minimum and trotted off as quickly as possibly. No pride at all in presentation or quality.

OP what are his friends like? are they in same sets as him? when DS went through a period like this, it was fortunate his friends just happened to be top set boys even though he wasn't. When he saw the results of his friends and how they studied, he gradually started to copy them. His effort increased and his grades went up.

He is Mr Sociable and has good friends right across the sets. Any whiff of competition or comparison sends him flying off the handle so we have
Tended to avoid that tactic.

A tactic we used with DS1 (GCSEs) is to just hands off altogether. Sometimes the pressure is just too much, home and school. We did this for ds's sake but also for our own mental health. We decided if he didn't do well he will at least see what we've been trying to say when he sees his choices are limited and if he did well, all fine and dandy! it means he can manage himself.

He passed. Not with the stellar results he should have got, but 5A's, with our MH and his intact. Nothing to lose.

I agree about comparing OP, some of DDs friends are top set and she has always felt inferior and lacks confidence as she is not as clever as them. In fact this stemmed from primary when they were on the ‘clever table’ and DDs view was that if you were not on this table then you were ‘not clever’ and this has carried on . One of her teachers actually compares her to these friends in lesson saying ‘look at how x has done this work, be more like x’. Although DD is doing well at this subject she is now considering dropping it for GCSE I suspect because she just can’t deal with the constant comparisons.

I would never advise comparing. What I was describing in my post is a case of iron sharpens iron. No one was comparing DS, it just became obvious to him that his top set friends got better grades because they worked harder, that was without anyone else intervening. He also saw his friends in the lower sets who weren’t working hard and clowning around like him where they were headed and decided to pull his socks up.

We've just tried to discuss with DS and have had total (not unexpected) meltdown. Think he felt backed into a corner so is blaming everyone but himself.

He is most disappointed by his English teacher's feedback - a lesson he enjoys but is clearly not making enough of an effort.

It’s so tough. My yr8 ds1 isn’t self motivated either. He doesn’t have the issues that your ds has but I basically just give him no option now.
I told him that he’s sitting down and working every evening after school for an hour or so before any screen time and if he’s got no homework, then he just recaps what he’s learnt in another subject.
I got fed up of trying to think of different ways to motivate him. I’m sure all my speeches were just noise to him.
He’s got into a routine now and his grades have gone up which is brilliant. He’s realising that a bit of work pays off and I don’t need to nag him as much anymore.

Ask your ds what he thinks would help him to do better. A routine? Someone sitting with him? A reward? Or any other ideas.

Thanks DayKay... so when your DS doesn't have specific homework how/what exactly is involved in recapping? Do you sit with him?

Think getting into a non-negotiable work routine might definitely help (using whatever tactic I can!). Maybe things will then start to sink in and prevent the inevitable fireworks when homework hasn't been done in time or to a crap standard.

Meanwhile now need to respond to al the teachers after yesterday's fallout

I sympathise with your son here. He may well be bored in class. And he may well find the work unstimulating. If his dyslexia prevents him from participating in the same way as other students, but no provision is made to help him access his own clevereness, then he won't make progress. And too often children who struggle with some area of work are dismissed as 'lazy.' I was told DS2 was brilliant at English but lazy. He was told off again and again over the years for not completing his work. Turns out he struggled physically, due to dyspraxia, and couldn't hold the pencil for long enough. the pain put him off. His new school put him onto a computer and he's been whizzing out essays ever since.

Wait for the meltdown to be over. Tell him you believe him when hesaid he was understimulated at school and that he needs a different approach, then ask him to tell you as many ways as he can think of why things aren;t working for him. Check stuff like eye sight, aching wrists and hand cramps, discomfort sitting in a chair for long periods. Check whether words jump around the page etc. Lots of small physical adjustments can improve concentration.

How interested is he is more hands on non academic stuff (or could be interested). Art, Drama, building/designing things, gardening, cooking etc. Does the school have clubs for interests like these? Could clubs be started? Some children are never going to be the academic ones but if they are involved in a project - such as designing and making a Welcome to our School model to go into the school lobby - then their interest and motivation will go up. Find your boy a hobby that can be crossed over into school. He may need a bit of help be reminded what he likes. For example he might think he has outgrown Lego but being part of a school Lego Club and organising a big display event for the whole school to see would be something to be proud of. (Lego is just an example).

greeneggblueegg DD who also has dyslexia hates her English teacher with a passion. To be fair although I have flagged her dyslexia with the school and they have a copy of her report. As she is bright and ‘not causing concern’ in other areas I do think the teachers forget she has dyslexia and they think she is being lazy and not trying. I know dyslexia isn’t a ‘get out of jail free card’ but in a large secondary with a lot of pupils with other issues in her class as she is quiet and well behaved she kind of maybe slips under the radar in class but gets pulled up about her presentation and spelling.

Greeneggblueegg ds studies in the kitchen so I’m on hand if he needs help and I can keep an eye on him.
If he doesn’t have hw, then he mostly goes on bbcbitesize site and goes through what he’s learning in school. He’ll also watch YouTube clips on his topic. It’s brilliant and really helps him to understand what he’s studying.
If you search on,say, ‘ks3 rocks’ or ‘ks3 cromwell’ you’ll get appropriate stuff. He watches it and I ask him to make a few notes while he’s watching it.
I’ve also bought him cgp ks3 textbooks for pretty much all his subjects (used from amazon) and they come out before assessments as it’s likely that he’s missed class work from not concentrating.

I have tried this Day but it tends to fall by the wayside as some afternoons are quite busy with extra curricular stuff meaning I am out with younger DC. How do you manage this? If DD is left to her own devices she will just scatter a few books about and make it look like she has been doing something when I know she’s probably been on face time or you tube watching silly videos. This happened yesterday and this morning she was in a panic that homework was due and she hadn’t done it. Que lots of excuses and pleading with me write a note but I explained she would have to face the consequences at school on this. Grrrrrrr....they are just so frustrating.

BeckInTime I think with him being in the kitchen so I can keep an eye on him really helps.
He has after school activities on two days but I still get him to do some work in those days as his activities only take 1.5 hrs out of his day. The rest of the time he’s free to do what he wants.
I take his phone off him too.

He’s also learnt that he needs to write all his hw in his planner as he will forget he has hw.

I don’t think I’m a pushy mum but I’m not hands off either. I have told him that sloppy work is not good enough and have asked him if he’s proud of the work he’s done.

We had parents evening last week and he’s come such a long way. Ds was so pleased so it’s been worth it.
Fingers crossed that it continues.

Backintime your DD sounds like my DS. Up until last week (when DH properly confiscated the Xbox) moment my back was turned DS would be playing Fortnite

He only does one after school activity so there is no reason to do some work at home. He has clearly been left to his own devises for too long---- (more fool me for assuming he was turning in quality homework)

I agree Day maybe the kitchen is a better way to avoid distraction so will give this a go. An hour a day is nothing considering the amount of time they can waste online.

DD also likes to tell me to back off and that I need to let her be more grown up and get on with it. I would really really love to back off but clearly her version getting on with homework is different to mine. It is just so draining when you have to push and drag them along all the time.