Looking for insight from parents who've raised their teens or who are almost there

[JCS39]

I'm a first-time parent of a teen, and I'm looking to hear from parents who've finished raising teens they struggled with or who maybe haven't finished raising them but have overcome some hurdles. I read posts from parents whose teens struggled with the same things mine is struggling with and some of these posts are years old, and you never get an update on how it all panned out.

My son is 13, and in 7th grade. It's been a horrible school year. He's a well-liked kid but has experienced some bullying this year that has made him miserable and brought on a borderline eating disorder. I feel like we have a better handle on the eating, for the most part, but I'm most concerned now with his anger. When he gets upset, he yells, tells me he hates me, throws things. We're going to get him into counseling to hopefully help him better manage that, but I would love to hear from parents who've been through it already. Did you find it was just a phase? Did your child grow out of it? At this age, it's so hard to tell if it's crazy hormones from puberty and him not being able to appropriately respond to his feelings because his hormones are raging and his brain isn't fully developed or if it's something more.

Thanks in advance for your insight!

My daughter was bullied a lot in high school, especially about her weight. She takes after both her grans who were small and cuddly. She would skip meals when she could and then pig out on rubbish. No anger tho, just very quiet and weepy. When she left after not doing well with her exams, it was to child care collage, the whole group was females and the bullying started again.
Then she was forced to leave, due to knee problems and went in to IT, since then she's done brilliantly, she's 28 this year and she couldn't be better.
I know when your going through it all you think it's never going to end, I think just being quiet and patience with your son and even though mine are older I still use the distraction route, changing the subject, asking about something else.
Hopefully being able to talk to someone will help him see that the anger isn't getting him anywhere, have you thought about a sport/karate club, where he can let off steam but still has to follow rules. Hope this helps a little.

Sport. Something they enjoy and can make like-minded friends at. Helps control the hormones, the eating by emphasising sensible nutrition, helps them to identify the effects the choices we make have (ie.- drank a sneaky bottle of vodka and feel too ill to play rugby at 9am - also drugs etc), encourages discipline and teamwork (even in solo activities like swimming where lifesaving skills teach you to be aware of the needs of others, enables healthy sleeping and therefore concentration and learning capacity, keeps them limited with screen time/crap TV/dodgy games because they are otherwise occupied, keeps them away from gangs and other trouble, good for their health, weight .......

Rambling now.

Sport. I had no bother with my DS (now 22) and DD (now 19) and I put a lot of it down to fresh air, exercise and like-minded company.

Of course they have to find a sport they like. DS was football, cricket and cross country. DD was swimming, road running and karate.

So many more opportunities to try different things than when I was a child. Fortunately I loved yomping around an dilapidated, muddy, uneven athletic track and it set me up for life.

YYY to sport.

Are you in the US? What sports are on offer in his school?

Or clubs he is interested in - robotics, etc?

My DS played baseball (park district league), basketball (school) and then football (to junior year of HS). He wasn't in any way a gifted athlete but he did his best.

He didn't have the issues you describe in your DS but exH and I split up when DS was in the middle of 8th grade after a very rocky few years before that, and divorced two years later - I felt it was really important for him to have male role models he respected and a connection to other young teen boys, plus all the rules associated with team membership (about partying, grades - C to play in HS, and the pep talks about self respect, etc).

I think boys need a tribe in the tween and teen years. They need to feel they are part of a team, and to have a sense of purpose and belonging to something bigger than themselves.

If your DS isn't sporty at all or if the atmosphere in the local sport scene tends to be a bit toxic, how about the arts - music, theater, etc?

Are there opportunities for volunteering? One of my DDs has volunteered in the local library since her freshman year. Another DD volunteered (with me) at our local homeless shelter doing the dinner shift together once a month.

YY to sport or doing something outside of school that they have an interest in. Teens spend far too much time in their rooms isolated and glued to screens, this is not healthy for the mind or body. Doing something active releases endorphins and relieves stress so there are less of these anger outbursts. My teens often leave the house for their activities grumpy and moody but always return happy and in a much better mood.

My teen is in cadets. She has learned an awful lot from them. The kids become a sort of family because they are away at camps often so have to rely on each other.
It's helped her over the years