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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 yo refusing school and out of control

17 replies

EyeRollChampion · 02/05/2018 21:07

I am at the end of my rope.

Ds1 (16) has been to school once in 3 weeks. He refuses to get out of bed, goes out with his dodgy mates all day and all night. He stays out for the night, drinks, does drugs (had his stomach pumped weeks ago after drink and drugs with total strangers who stole his phone and left him in a heap on the street) and doesn't care about anything. Doesn't care if we get fined. Doesn't care if he fails his exams. Doesn't care if we have to go to court.

He has been living with his dad the past few months as my mh was so bad I just couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. I would have ended up being violent. I felt and feel like a terrible parent. Since being at his dad's his behaviour has deteriorated tenfold, until we are here. I arranged a camhs referral and applied for the early help hub through the school. Phoned today to chase up and his dad has been sitting on the forms for 2 months! All he needed was a signature from me. Says he forgot. He never even collected the referral. Trying to get CS involved but they never phone back.

I'm trying to get him to come back here but he doesn't want to share a room with his brother and he hates living with me. I should never have sent him to his dad's. But I would've killed him.

How can I get him to go to school before we are prosecuted? I can't even get him to see me, haven't seen him since the Easter hols. I'm terrified he's going to run away or end up dead. I don't know what to say to the school.

Any and all advice or sources greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 03/05/2018 08:11

Anyone?

OP posts:

mrsjackrussell · 03/05/2018 08:42

So sorry this is happening. I have a 16 yr old ds and we've had our ups and downs with smoking weed. No advice but bumping for you

mrsjackrussell · 03/05/2018 08:43

Can I just say your not a terrible parent. Iv had friends similar has happened to with their sons and it was out of their control. Got in with wrong crowd etc

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 03/05/2018 09:02

@mrsjackrussell

Thank you. I'm sorry you've had problems with your son and weed. Did you manage to find any support?

The people he is hanging around with are a couple of years older and school drop outs. They all hang around town all day. Had the police out looking for him last night. He sauntered in at gone midnight with a friend who he said had nowhere else to go.

His dad told him this morning he had 2 choices - go to school or come here to stay with me. He decided to do neither. We can't convince him to do anything!

OP posts:

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 03/05/2018 10:57

Update: ds has put a chair through the wall and left his dad's flat. His dad says he can't come back. I feel sick.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 03/05/2018 11:26

You are not a bad parent, in fact you sound wounderful. His dad has washed his hands of him (that’s not parenting) while you are doing your best to help.

There is something wrong with him. He needs professional help (especially if he’s starting to get violent). I have no advice as I haven been through this but could your GP be a good place to start and ask for help?

Good luck OP x

mrsjackrussell · 03/05/2018 12:49

I didn't actually know he was doing it. No problems at home but he was out all day and night. Didn't know where he was. He eventually admitted what was going on and realised he had to break away from these friends. He's no angel now but not doing what he was doing. Is there anyone at school who can speak to him? Is there a younger male teacher who could have a chat? Try to book a meeting with someone but it depends if your son would agree to it.

mrsjackrussell · 03/05/2018 12:54

Also is there any other adult male father figures in his life who can talk to him? I found my son listened to anyone other than his dad

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/05/2018 12:59

Sounds a really tough situation but please don't blame yourself. Some teens go through an awful self destructive phase, if it was as simple as their 'upbringing' then all siblings would behave in the same way.

A lovely friend has gone through this and has got to the point where she is trying to detach as much as she can to protect her mental health and well being. Very difficult as she worries about him constantly, but realises there is little she can do.

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 03/05/2018 13:50

Thanks for the kind replies. I've got nowhere with the school (was actually told to physically drag him into school ) and in any case we can't get him there.

I've tried today to get him to see the doctor but he just point-blank refuses. I don't have a clue how to get around this.

I've asked my dad to talk to him a few times but he just gets dismissed out of hand like myself and his father.

Just waiting for a call back from CS. Not holding my breath.

OP posts:

Mary19 · 03/05/2018 18:52

It might be worth looking up non violent resistance

Original poster

EyeRollChampion · 03/05/2018 20:20

Thanks, that is close to one of the techniques I tried when he was still living with me. I must have read every parenting book on teenagers. But none seem to address what to do when they reject all outside authority. We rely on schools and the police to back us up but when that fails... then what? Just found out he's sold his £400 laptop for £60 for weed. He's also confessed to stealing money from his dad...who has now changed the locks to keep him out. He has stolen nearly £500 from my bank account in the past. My kids are scared of him moving back in, my dd has asked for a lock for her door and he bullies dd2 who is scared of him, just doesn't know when to stop. I won't give up on him but he has refused to come here, he's staying with one of his drug-taking, drop out friends tonight. He hasn't showered in weeks apparently. I don't know if he's depressed because he won't speak to anyone. I'm desperate, where has my son gone?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2018 20:27

Oh goodness OP I could weep for you

mrsjackrussell · 03/05/2018 23:59

I don't know what to say. Just feel for you. Just keep trying. Was there something that happened to turn him like this?

Nettleskeins · 04/05/2018 00:44

I've a friend whose son behaved a bit like this and he was transformed when he left school and started a job at 17 (he worked in a cafe, and started training to cook) they tried again and again to keep him in school and do exams (he was a clever boy) but he kept going out refusing to work on anything, every deadline was pushed, every bit of help school gave he threw back despite agreeing. In the end, once he was working his mum realised he was in fact incredibly anxious at school, perceived himself as a failure hence the deathwish of drugs and going out all the time, it was just trying to avoid the confrontation with school/incredible low self esteem which resulted, although o surface he appeared very arrogant and chirpy.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say in a nutshell, is, perhaps school is the least of his problems at the moment. What about a Level 1 or 2 Btec as an alternative to gsces, some need no prior qualifications just go through the stages of training (look at your local sixth form college)

If you could take school out of the picture and treat it as a mental health issue which needs solving before he goes back into any training, and your son is more important than truancy officers or people prosecuting you for non-attendance. I think the non-violent book has a passage about how schools can be very inflexible when parental input is the more important part. when you are v upset about school and the worry over that it is taking away your real worry which is HIM, and he needs to know that, that you want the best for Him not just to placate authorities. I've home educated in the past btw. It worked to get the bond back, not saying that is what you need now, more that formal school is not necessarily the key to all this at the moment.

Kareninfrance · 04/05/2018 00:49

Been going through the same for nearly two years with my just turned 18 year old. There is no support for kids 16 upwards at all. I have done everything I can - even requested a judge hearing to try to get a mediator to help. Judge ordered it but they were no help. Unfortunately you won't be able to change anything in my experience - they are the only ones who can change themselves. Do not give him any money at all. Try to stay as calm as you can and be as detached as you can (I know this is so hard to do) and just say to him - he is the only one who can change, you have realised this, and that you will always be there for him if he needs you, but that you have to look after yourself too as you are important and have a right to a life too. When he is ready you will be there but he needs to decidd what he might want to do workwise without an education as if he is not going to school he can get a job and support himself, rent a flat etc and learn how to live in the real world. This seems to have been a bit of a wake up call to my son. He doesn't see me getting upset as I do that in private and have detached myself. He doesn't communicate at all with us bug is living at home and hoing to college again. Good luck x

Nettleskeins · 04/05/2018 00:50

my friend's son was violent and aggressive btw tho sometimes charming and sociable. one of things that helped him was D of E type activities, not necessarily that, but physical challenge type things, he organised them himself, wild camping that sort of thing. He almost certainly had undiagnosed ADHD. (he refused to attend Cahms appt) His mum was in utter despair about him but it is so much better now he is busy and doing something he is good at.

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