Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 yo dd wants to go to her friends house after school and I'm indecisive

60 replies

DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 16:46

Hi, as in the title, dd, 12 yrs old, wants to go to her friends house after school. Apparently they will be doing homework together which is news to me since she is not that keen on doing homework normally Smile . I'm sure homework is NOT the real reason, they'll be doing anything but homework.

This is a new school and I don't know the girl and her family so not sure if I should allow or not.

I'm a working mum, my workplace is quite a distance away from home. Normally dd does several after school clubs at school and dh picks her up from school at 4.30 to take her to extra curricular activities.She finishes those activities around 7.30-8ish and at the same time I arrive home from work.

In primary school she used to go to child minder with some other kids from her school so the sociisation bit took place in childminder's house, in a controlled environment. Now I'm not very comfortable with the idea of her going to the house of her friend whom I know nothing about. But probably I'm being precious about it.

I don't want to be too strict unnecessarily but also I don't want to be too permissive readily either.

How do you get to know your secondary school child's friends?

I'm so decisive and sure of everything when it comes to giving advice to others, yet so indecisive for my own child.

By the way I cannot organise sleepovers or house meetings in our home for various reasons. One of the reasons is that I finish work late and get home around 8pm. So I can't invite her friends to our place to get to know them, which is inconvenient. There are other reasons too, but this is the main reason.
So, how do you check your teen's and tween's friends? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
DunnoWhy · 01/05/2018 23:34

Yep, totally agree mobile phones make things a lot easier nowadays. That's lucky.

Yep, at home my antennae is finely tuned and like a spy I'm making lots of connections from casual mentions of the names and events to phone calls and chats, and building a picture of her friendship group.

11 for sleepover? You must be very brave Smile

OP posts:
PandaG · 01/05/2018 23:42

Glad you are letting her go. I did at that age too, and not long after allowed trips into the city to mooch round the shops and go for hot chocolate. DD is now 16, and I still insist on speaking to a parent if she is invited for a sleepover and we have not met, and a parents' phone no if she has been before.

Original poster
DunnoWhy · 02/05/2018 00:01

Yes PandaG we trust dd in that she is allowed to go to the local supermarket alone, with a list in her hand, for some light shopping. When we're short of basic essentials food-wise, she's been helping by doing such emergency light shopping for the house for a while now. Also few times she went to some other shopping expedition on her own, in the local shopping centre, to buy herself stationery for school. Popped into Poundshop and WHSmith for school essentials all alone. It worked well.

Also she's been to residential trips away from us with her Brownies group as well as residential PGL trips with her school in the past. So it's not that we want to wrap her up in cotton wool, but the fact that "it's a stranger's house that she goes without us" sort of worry.

But she'll be fine. It's good to spread her wings and be more independent. I'm feeling a lot better about it now.

OP posts:
justabunchofbunting · 02/05/2018 00:05

I think at 12 you should probably let her go round the friends house without having to have met the friend. As long as its not until late I dont really see the problem? You wont be able to personally get to know all your teens friends!!
Id want to have met the parents and child if it was somewhere my child was staying overnight at that age. But just to pop round for a bit after school? No Id just let her go as long as I trusted she would be returning home when she said she would.

GreenTulips · 02/05/2018 00:06

I would say this

Has she form for picking nice friends?

If so you have raised her well and she's making right choices!!!

She should be fine.

Original poster
DunnoWhy · 02/05/2018 00:58

GreenTulips She's still learning about life and people and independence and so on. We have given her the values like self respect and self-preservation but young people like to experiment, just out of curiosity or to push the boundaries or momentary slip up from their usual behaviour or mis-judging a situation or for a laugh or whatever other reasons might be. I know I was willing to experiment in her age, despite being a really sensible and reliable girl most of the time. My parents didn't know what myself and my best friend were up to. Friend was equally sensible and trustworthy girl. But when we met in one of our houses we used to make prank phone calls for a laugh, ringing random numbers and ask to speak to a so-called friend (who happened to have a very funny name- so obvious! ) and if the person on the phone starts chatting with us, we would give our imaginary details and arrange meeting in a public place with them, and go to the meeting place to see if they'll turn up and laugh at them from a distance and many other things. Pre-internet era, house phone was the gadget.

So I can't really trust her fully at her age. She might well be much more sensible and cleverer than me, but cannot be sure.
She is a thoughtful child and behaves well however she had variety of friends with various personalities, some of whom are not exactly her type. She is still developing into who she'll become. So I'd like to say that we have raised her well but it's still work in progress. Not yet complete. So we can't be too relaxed. However in this instance she should be fine, a local child, walking to her house together after school and will stay for a couple of hours, and we'll keep in touch via phone. So I'm feeling better about it.

justabunch yes it'll be only a couple of hours short visit. If it was a sleepover I would not be that lax, I would definitely communicate with the parents.

OP posts:
DPotter · 02/05/2018 01:50

Let her go.

The only way you will ever get to know your DD's friends and then possibly their parents is is you let them come around to yours. If weekdays aren't possible, why not the weekends.

Think about what you just wrote - you don't feel comfortable with your DD visiting a friend's house because you don't know the friend or the family and you can't invite DD's friends over to yours to get to know them. What's the poor girl to do? Something has to give, or she'll be a social recluse - of your making.

DPotter · 02/05/2018 02:00

Cross post.

With the great respect - I think you're thinking too much. How can your DD EVER become the finished article (and by the way, that process certainly extends in the the 5th decade) if she's not allowed to spread her wings ?

Vis a vis sleepovers - what type of communication are you planning with the host parents - a quick chat on the phone, an interview with supporting references and an DRB check or a PI tailing the family for a week. A quick chat on the phone will tell you very little, other than the invitation is bona fide. And the others - well they're just there to point out how much you're over thinking. Stop thinking too much and catastrophising and trust the girl.

Original poster
DunnoWhy · 02/05/2018 05:43

DPotter Yes, I am letting her go.

OP posts:
Skatingfastonthinice · 02/05/2018 06:41

The other point you might not have considered is that if you restrict her unnecessarily, she may begin to blame you for your job, for not being there ‘everyone else’s mum does’ That’s hard to handle as a working parent, heavily invested in their child’s happiness. Teenage years are looming, there may be a lot of blaming and hormones ahead.

MillicentF · 02/05/2018 06:46

"and we'll keep in touch via phone"

I do hope this means your phone will be charged up and ready if she wants to ring you.....

TheIsland · 02/05/2018 07:03

Can you see from your last posts how much you are using your experiences and projecting them onto her?

Yvest · 02/05/2018 07:11

My DD who is the same age often goes to friends I don’t know and they get up to all sorts —- like making more bloody slime

newdaylight · 02/05/2018 07:13

I wouldn’t allow her to go to someone’s house if you have never met the girl or her parents.
Why don’t you ask your daughter if her friend would like to come to yours after school
Er...

AgedTawnyPort · 02/05/2018 07:18

I would let her go.mwe let DD (11) go to friends I haven’t met, all fairly new in first year of secondary and had five girls here last Friday after school.

I hadn’t met them or their parents until they arrived here and parents arrived to collect them at 9pm. Nice kids, nice parents.

The things you describe are just part of growing up, as is going to see friends.

AgedTawnyPort · 02/05/2018 07:20

yvest I found a leaking pot of slime under the bed at the weekend 😂. First of many I suspect.

maymai · 02/05/2018 07:22

Please come back and let us know how it went. If you download life 360 app on her phone and yours it will track her location so you know she is where she says she is!

AtiaoftheJulii · 02/05/2018 07:30

I wouldn’t allow her to go to someone’s house if you have never met the girl or her parents.
Why don’t you ask your daughter if her friend would like to come to yours after school

Brilliant logic - how in this scenario does the other girl come to you if her parents haven't met you either!

To the OP - glad you're letting her go, hope it all goes smoothly Smile

Oblomov18 · 02/05/2018 07:33

Of course she should go. Ds1 met new friends at secondary. I got the parents to text me/whataspp me. I picked him up at their house or dropped him off. Or he got the train there (he walks, many boys train it to school)

Before long I'd met them at other children's party's drop off's or parents evenings etc.

You need to relax a bit. You sound very highly strung.

FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends · 02/05/2018 07:37

Jeez what a mountain out of a molehill. She's 12!!!

NorthernSpirit · 02/05/2018 08:52

Snowflake parenting to the extreme. Let her start to get some independence before she rebel’s.

irregularegular · 02/05/2018 23:02

You also have to remember that in just 6 years time she will be 18. Think about how quickly the last 6 years have gone - the next 6 will be much faster, believe me!

Think about everything you would like her to be doing independently by the time she is 18. You need to start working up to it, otherwise no-one will be ready.

Original poster
DunnoWhy · 02/05/2018 23:39

irregularegular thank you for the comment.

You must be a psychic, dh and I were just talking about this exact thing today, and it's still very fresh in our minds. We talked about how quickly the time passed, very soon she'll be a ake teenager, whilst we try to catch our breath from one school term to the next, trying to adapt to each stage and before we realise she'll be a fully fledged adult with a home of her own and we'll try to fit in with her busy-grown-up schedule. Stop the clock!!!!

I'm well aware how fast this is happening. Brought home the fact that life is indeed very short. Scary.
She's doing well as far as self-reliance is concerned and we're doing as best as we can, not to hold her back.

Of course I worry about her, then again I am a worrier. Having said that we're trying our best not to burden her. She's not any less outgoing or any less independent than her friends. In fact, I would like to think she has experienced more variety such as a bit of age-appropriate independence abroad too. Every little helps.

OP posts:
Sundance2741 · 07/05/2018 07:57

You get to know the parents (if at all) by asking your dd for their phone number so you can send a text checking it's ok and / or by picking her up from their house afterwards. It's not that bad as long as you know the child goes to your dd's school and trust her judgement of them. Mine is now nearly 13 and I've stopped checking with parents - she makes her own arrangements. Often they come to ours, usually in school holidays when I'm not at work (so that part is easier for me ).

Original poster
DunnoWhy · 07/05/2018 10:43

Thanks Sundance2741 . It's all over now and went well. Next time it'll be much easier and more relaxed.
We're growing with her Smile

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread